My heart is broken - Al-Anon Family Group

Iris lover of dogs · Veteran Member

My heart is broken

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry for the pain you are in, it's not an easy place to be. I have come to understand for myself that being in love with someone's potential means I have an agenda that they need to change. Of course I need to change them so they can be all that they can be and that so hasn't worked out for me.

I hope you are attending face to face meetings you do not have to go through this alone. Nor should you, you need to be easy on yourself and have a support system to help you as well. Going to the meetings, talking with others who have been there and done that makes a huge difference and it helps with my own healing and being able to get past the hurt and resentments.

It really will get better, however I have found that it only gets better if I put the work into myself. Waiting for it to get better on it's own is a long lonely road, .. it just won't happen quickly.

Keep coming here and keep sharing, hugs P :)

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

prayers your way, iris. so sorry for the pain your feeling. thereis hope within al-anon for sure.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh it definitely gets better. My ex-A wrote a whole book while drunk. I mean he really sat and wrote a novel....and it was good too. But he never followed through on anything and he lived in a fantasy world while claiming to be "an outside of the box" person. What that boiled down to was he couldn't stand to have a steady job and, while he did have a brilliant mind and great potential, his alcoholism and lack of discipline caused him to fail at everything regardless of what I did to support him (and I felt all I did was support him while simulaneously being told "You don't support me!!" constantly).

Flash foward - My ex and his problems are no longer mine. 3 years have passed since we broke up. I have worked the 12 steps very hard and it has paid dividends. When I talk to him, some of his life sounds better and he is functioning a bit better without our toxic relationship to blame for everything, but he still has a load of craziness going on. It's not my problem now. I love him and want good things for him, but his lessons in life are his own. I do not regret the 7 years we spent together even though it was horribly painful at the end and in the first several months to a year after splitting.

Hope this helped.

Mark

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It hurts so badly I won't ever forget it.

Remember your heart is broken. There is medical proof people can die and do from a broken heart. You are suffering so many losses!

Just like any injury or wound we have to take care of ourselves as best as we can. I am talking the primary things first, good water, healthy food, NO junk or smoking or any drugs.

My gut her so bad, ugh I am so sad you feel this way. My dog, a Basset saved my tummy by spooning with me with his warmth on my tummy!

Honestly what really helped me was super hard work. I had an animal sanctuary I had to feed, do all the chores, carry all the feed hay all of it. I worked so hard I would come in and drop on top my bed and sleep in my cloths.

Sleep helped me, and glorious naps.

Also the chat room here kept me sane at night many times. Was home. I would be there and forget I was even in bed with my laptop!

It gets better, however it does take time. But as long as you take care of you, it will get better faster. Friends help big time. Even if you don't want to be there, accept the hugs.

If people ask you if you are ok or whats wrong, I told them I had a broken heart. I shopped with tears running down my face cuz I had just gotten used to picking him up things he liked. Everything was just like dull old plain cardboard.

Then someone stole my Basset. Was awful awful. A breeder of them gave me a puppy. Tavish saved my life. Tripping on his ears, comen to me when he needed to take a nap,so we always and still do nap together.

I am telling you for me raising him, is what helped me heal.

Hes up here next to me right now! So come here A LOT. We really care.

here are some pictures for you to take your mind away for a second. Tavish as a puppy, with his pigs on the sanctuary, him with Sauveur as a pup, then tavish grown up and Sauvy grown up. I have six dogs right now. lovem!! oh I did raise Tav,
Sauvey and an English bulldog at the same time!!! Was sooo much fun and what a healing time!!!

love,debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Things definitely got easier, at first I could barely function. Now I see and know I am healthier
And better for my decision. The blinders just kept falling off and I dove into my program. Now I can breathe and focus on me and my kids. I am sending you love and support on your new journey!

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

take care of yourself like you would a friend in the same boat... for me, I couldn't function at first....couldn't eat... I am now 4 weeks out...and I am feeling better. Its still really hard..but I am trying to focus on the positive... I made lists...lists of why this was the right decision, lists of my good qualities, lists of what I wanted in my life...etc...and when I waivered the lists helped bring me from the "what ifs" to "what is" Try to only hang out with people who get grief and who are kind to you.... keep coming here...we SO get it... sending you healing juju

Iris lover of dogs · Veteran Member

Debilyn -I relate to you so much! Last October, I adopted a puppy, and have enjoyed every single moment of raising him. He gave me a place to put my positive energy without being rebuffed or dissapointed. Spending time with him I felt as though I was living a good life, a healthy life, and I really feel like he gave me the strength to envision a different life. Because I realized - I don't have to do this. And adopting him - I had finally gotten something that I wanted. It sounds so funny, but it is true - I'd just been wanting, hoping, trying for a long time to make our life together work. And then I acted on a want - I want a puppy; I let myself say: I need a puppy; I am getting a puppy. And I felt so empowered! Taking responsibility for making myself happy. Like I said before - he has been a magical healer for me, and I know he will help me get through this next couple of months. It has been a long road. Thank you for your message; it has inspired me.

I have attached a picture of my Monty dog.

-- Edited by Iris lover of dogs on Sunday 1st of January 2012 08:43:39 PM

-- Edited by Iris lover of dogs on Sunday 1st of January 2012 08:44:34 PM

Iris lover of dogs · Veteran Member

Pinkchip - thanks so much for your message. It helps me because my husband is brilliant, talented, compelling like your ex - and I have been waiting for him to meet his potential for so long. It just helps to hear from people that have had the same confusing sets of circumstances to deal with . . . that have moved on, and known that they did the right thing. Thank you for sharing.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Iris he is sooo cute, smart and healthy. Ready to play and love just eminates from him!

I am so glad you have Monty and he has you!

If I had not had animals I can say I would not be here or would have to have been put somewhere for awhile. I am not kidding.

My first husband was killed in an accident. Alone eighteen years raising our two babies. Then married my ex AH. He had a brain surgery and went nuts.

I was devistated. He too was very special. A famous guitar player heading up there. But its all gone now.

It is horrible all the losses. Its not just them, its the dream, the closeness of that person, the sounds in the house, Just someone around.

sometimes now even after 30years I find myself sobbing for my first husband honey.

forgot to tell you for me the way it went was this, was horrible every minute, then the spaces in the time that it was horrible got further and further apart.

I mean days weeks years etc. Its been awhile since I fell apart over my first. But as I go into being, well old, am almost 60 I find I need and want him all the more.

Believe me this will make you stronger because you can get thru it. You are going to grow in ways you never thought you would. One thing for me the little stuff just does not matter. I don't even care if I wear a green sock and a blue one, Or if I feel like wearing my overalls with a lacey blouse and my hippie jewelry!

so much just does not matter. So I have 20 some guinea pigs! I lovem they are spoiled they make me smile, give me chores, some give me kisses. I don't care if I have a pot bellied pig in my cabin, lump under blankets....I LOVE IT,.

I look at people different Iris. I love them more, and see things with great wonder. I remind crabby at each other spouses to be nice to each other.

Also giving helps. BUT its very ok to lay low and go thru some of that icky horrible pain.

I am proud of you for giving yourself a puppy. Now you make me want one. That is a lie, I always want another one....lol

KEEP coming. It does help to come here!!!! love,debilyn

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Slowly, "it" gets better. What that means to me, is that slowly "I" got better.

I was broken, hurting at the very core of my being. Went through a whole whirlwind of mental and emotional arobics... missing, glad, sad, hurting, feel free, breathing, sucking air, chest heavy, stomach without appetite, depressed, anger, and a whole array of other emotions. Mentally I was twisted, murder and sucide were daily thoughts...

Some days my dogs were the only reason I didn't check out of this thing called life... they love unconditionally and they needed me... and many nights they were laying with me in the bed as my heart and mind went on a trip of pain... seems the more I hurt, the closer they moved in on me.

I was an absolute mess.

Then one day came a moment of clarity... I'm either going to get busy living or I'm going to stay busy dying! Just because air was reaching my lungs doesn't mean I was alive.

I started trying to live again... one thing, one thought, one idea, one action at a time. Even started dating... a bit too early, but none the less... any decision, was better than what I had been doing... I was in the fight for my life, and if I had to make some mistakes in my effort to start living again, instead of merely sucking air, so be it.

A year has now passed, I'm not completely out of the woods, but I can see the path of hope that shows me I'm finally headed in the right direction....

It didn't get better until I did... It is not the world I live in, that got better, but how I started to view it that changed and that brought change to the world... as I see and feel it.

If I could reach across cyberspace and give you a hug, I would because when I was tore up from the floor up, needing a check up from the neck up.... a hug is what I needed the most.

John

3 Maltess, 1 mini poodle, and 1 pomeranian, plus two cats make a wild house of activity and the last thing I needed was a house with no activity..so they did their job of keeping me busy.

-- Edited by John on Monday 2nd of January 2012 07:58:46 AM

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I see a theme here...

I have a bullmastiff, 2 cats, 1 conure, 1 african grey parrot, and a ferret.

I live in a zoo...filled with LOVE.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

rehprof wrote:
I think I see a theme here...
I have a bullmastiff, 2 cats, 1 conure, 1 african grey parrot, and a ferret.
I live in a zoo...filled with LOVE.

Now if only we could get people to behave like our pets... life would be so much easier and less painful. LOL

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I have 1 westie, 1 tibetan terrier, on Shitzu-Poodle mix, 1 amazon green parrot, 1 african grey parrot, and 1 cat :)

Iris lover of dogs · Veteran Member

Oh, you have all given me joy today! I love knowing you are out there! And I have a question to all you folks with beloved pets that have shared your experiences with me . . . do we - the codependents living with (or recovering from living with) alcoholics - have a greater than normal need to be caregivers, nurturers? Is that essentially what codependence is? Do we have an abnormally intense sense of empathy or responsibility? I do wonder about this, because I feel like taking care of things is a need rather than a want for me. It give me such joy and energy! Just wondering whether any of you have wondered about this, or have thoughts. It just seems interesting to me that so many of us have felt the same things! Thank you all. And I hope with all my heart that 2012 will be a healing year for all of us, so "Happy New Year"!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Happy New Year Iris, glad you are feeling better about things - hmmm, I grew up in an abusive home with the thinking that if only i could be better, do whatever it took, then my home life would have been better. I learned early to work hard at making other people happy - what I needed to learn, and what my recent experience has shown me is that there are those who will take advantage of it, and they are never happy. Co-dependence for me means giving to the detriment of my own well-being. On an airplane they tell you to first put the mask on yourself before helping others, as an EMT my safety comes first - don't want to become an additional patient, in Al-anon the same principle applies - you can't do a good job in life if you don't take care of yourself first. My second marriage was my first real adult experience with an alcoholic vampire and the only one that could save me from him was me. I actually worked as an in-home caregiver and I had no problem setting the boundaries needed to not destroy myself (ie limited hours, stricter rules regarding bedtimes, etc.) because I was not emotionally invested in her care though I cared about her. With our loved ones, we are emotionally invested in them AND they have had a lot of years learning how to use that love to get their needs met. With addicts, you put them first but you don't come first - it took me a while to get that no matter how he might feel about me, the addiction to the alcohol will always win. Oh and, I have Betsy the Wonder Dog, Fred the moose masquerading as a cat and Smokie the queen of all she surveys - mean cat, cuddles up to the dog then gets all hissy - just not very nice is she?

-- Edited by likemyheart on Monday 2nd of January 2012 01:56:24 PM

Iris lover of dogs · Veteran Member

Yes, Likemyheart - this rings true. And I think I began to understand this (the importance, the rightness of taking care of yourself) truly - an epiphany of a sort - when I got my Monty dog - the idea that it is OK TO CALL A NEED A NEED (and not just an inconvenient want, because want has felt like a weakness to me all my life), and act on it - to take care of my own need. I think that is when I started to internalize the thought - "I don't have to do this" (i.e. tap myself dry for him). I can take care of me, and that is ok, and that is even good and beautiful. But I'm still struggling with keeping this in the forefront of my consciousness. For instance, right now, with my AH scheduled to move out of the house in February, I am working up budgets on excel spreadsheets. He is jobless, so I know that I will have to help support him for a while (I live in a community property state), and my instinct is to think of him - and maximize how much I can give him, and take the hit myself, because I can take it, I'm strong, I can do deprivation, I'm used to it. You can see I'm sure that this is just codependent thinking - still acting like I need to take care of him, still believing at some level that he won't be able to take care of himself. Still feeling responsibility. So, I have been trying to get myself to a mental state of "be fair to him and yourself". Do not work out a budget where you give every possible extra penny to him every month, leaving yourself with barely a budget for groceries. So, I'm still working on it. It is scary to be able to see myself sabotage myself like this, but still feel the compulsion to do it.

niceguy66 · Member

Iris lover of dogs wrote:
But I feel like I am killing something, something that had potential to be beautiful. But I have done this roller coaster for many years now, and I know that that potential is all it ever was, potential. It could never be with alcohol in the mix.

This part of your post hit me to the core this morning. I have loved my AGF for the past 3 years, stuck by her through 9 detox, rehabs, halfway houses, mental abuse, emotional abuse and just a few weeks ago, came to physical abuse.

The person I fell in love with is who I think she is, intelegent, strong, outgoing, honest, compasionate, empethetic, positive, giving, passionate etc......the person she projected to me....

The person she really is, is abusive, self centered, manipulipitive untrusworthey, did I say abusive?

We have to seperate fact from fiction....we have our part in the insanity,

Alcholics, project someone they want to be, or who they think they are....but the disease keeps them from being that, which is why they are in so much pain....

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

so true...there's some good posts in the CODA board about this too...we are in love with the fantasy..the "potential" ...and often reality is far from this...

I recently compromised many important things in order to stay in a relationship...and though my bf and I broke it off about 4 weeks ago, I am realizing how deeply affected I have been by being previously married to an A. It's amazing, in hindsight, the gap between reality, and what "could be."

Hang in there....

Iris lover of dogs · Veteran Member

Rehprof and niceguy66,
I just read your posts. I am always interested to learn that others struggle with the same things - makes me feel less alone. I'm not sure what the CODA board is rehprof, but I am going to look for it, because I still have hours when my emotions take over, and I feel like it is I that am making the decision to kill a beautiful potential reality, rather than (my mind knows) an unworkable situation, and what is, is, and I can't change it. I think it is hard because in more normal relationships (I assume, since I obviously haven't been in one) a partner will 'put up with' some stuff - husband doesn't put the toothpaste cap on, or hogs the remote . . . and I don't know - still - where the line is. Because for years, I have been trying to be patient, and trying to be understanding, and waiting, and helping, etc. regarding my husband taking responsibility for his own life, including drinking. Where was the line? Where should I have realized that it really was just a fantasy, and our potential, beautiful life was not something that was in my power to create? My husband also has consistently told me over the years, when I complained about his behavior, asked him to change it because it was hurting me, or hurting him, that I am just a glass half full type person, can't see all the positive that he does. And this has affected me deeply, has undermined my confidence in myself. I constantly question - am I being fair? Am I being too judgmental? That is why it was so powerful to me when I did something for myself - adopted a puppy - and I felt alive again, I felt like I had the right to take care of myself. Forgive the stream-of-consciousness nature of this reply, but your comments stimulted my brain . . .

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I find the line to be if I'm arguing over something that is seriously just minor crap that no one is perfect kind of thing I need to look at me. I find it is deflection for me not to look at myself. Or maybe there is really something else going on .. me getting upset about things that are not deal breakers I need to look at me. HALT, Hungry Angry Lonely Tired am I not meeting some of my own needs. If I am then I need to look at How Important Is it. Is it a deal breaker .. ummm no .. so many other things that probably should have been deal breakers were not so why is this all of a sudden at the front? Then I look at me. What happened or is going on that I am neglecting.

The accepting the unacceptable behavior. I have always had a high tolerance for pain, where others would be like are you kidding me? I thought that was normal, or at least it was for me because I accepted things that weren't ok. Now I am understanding where to draw boundaries, where to say umm that's not ok. However dealing in an addiction motivated relationship it becomes about how to communicate and when to communicate and saying what I mean and meaning what I say. I really haven't known how to communicate what I mean and now I have to learn.

A really great book that I highly recommend because there are such great sections about communication in it is The Delimma of an Alcoholic Marriage. It talks about how to communicate, when helping is hurting and when the time is right to have a conversation with an active/recovering addict. What I have found is it is really basic communication and it translates for me to all areas of my life. When to get involved and when to step back and wait.

Keep sharing and keep coming back it does get better. Hugs p :)

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