I cant control him, but it is my money? - Al-Anon Family Group

dragonflys · Senior Member

I cant control him, but it is my money?

hawaiilover · Senior Member

Hi Dragonflys,

You are very kind and nurturing. And, your AH is fortunate to have you. My AH does not have that privilege. When it comes to our finances, I am the responsible person that handles the bills and manage the finances. It is all about choices and personal preferences. He handles his own personal bills, however. Bank accounts are no longer joint. Therefore, he has no access to any funds available. Again, is all about choices. This works for us and we all are in agreement. Good luck.

Hawaii

dragonflys · Senior Member

I guess I keep wondering if I was not working, would I be upset if my husband did not allow me access to any money. I handle all the finances, pay the bills. Is he not allowed to go get pizza with friends? Go to a movie? This is what I am hearing from him. Do I give him an allowance? I can't, as I know it will all go to drugs.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I totally am on board with what HL has shared, you have to find what works for you. He may not like the fact however you work hard for your money. In dealing with my inlaws in the past, we have used gift cards OR paid for the bill directly TO the place. Granted they could still get their addiction of choice at least we knew we weren't giving them cash to do so. They couldn't go to the bar. OR we would go buy what they needed and drop it off. I know another family who has chosen to do this and it keeps the cash out of the hands of the addict.

If it came to that kind of choice I would find a way to keep money separate. I'm in the position where I'm currently not working outside the home. I would have to find a way to work it out though. It's to important that we have a home, the basic bills are paid and there is food in the house. For me it would be what is in my best interests for the kids, they have to have those needs met before hand.

Hugs P :)

PS if he wants his own money he can get a J.O.B.

-- Edited by Pushka on Friday 30th of December 2011 11:03:55 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Every situation may be a little different-

Coming near complete financial ruin from his frequent binge spending, I would have started to protect myself and my daughter much sooner. I took over the finances- he was ok with this because he didn't want the responsibility.

After his first rehab, he gave me his credit cards to hold, but maintained an ATM card that he was very careful with- I also gave him money when I felt he needed it. This was an uncomfortable position for me to take, but I did so hoping that it would be temporary. I did manage to secure a roof over our heads and money for bills and food.

Some time later, he wanted to control the finances, claimed I removed his dignity. He currently can easily justify irrational binge spending. But, the disease continues to manifest in him. He says it is simply that we have different ideas... but it is more than that- he just seems to be able to think of himself only.

There comes some point between being practical and having compassion- making sure you have the basics and compassion. It might take a few trial and errors to find something that works for you.

sookie · Senior Member

When it got too bad for me, I also took over the finances...put everything into an account with my name. My husband also wasn't working but that was his problem and i did what I had to do. I absolutely do not regret it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with not having a joint account with an A.

If he is an adult, can figure out how to manipulate you for money, then he can earn his own money.

He is an addict, is very sick. We only make them sicker by enabling them. Playing reversies in this situation does not work.

Paying an A's way robs them of their dignity. It's saying I don't believe in you to take care of yourself.

this is my experience.

hugs,debilyn

wildthang86 · Senior Member

I understand your concern about finances and paying for his drugs. I was not the money maker in the family but had access to the bank account and if I felt he was out on a binge I would go and empty the bank account so he couldn't use up all of our bill and grocery money. After he stopped I still handled our finances while he made the money but we agreed on that to this day I still hold onto to the bank/atm card. I still pay all of the bills. It was a difficult time and almost near loss of our home that brought him back to realize that he coudln't even keep money on him without being tempted to buy drugs, cocaine was his choice. Our car was stolen, supposedly, I say that because they found the car with the keys in it about a block away from where I picked him up from filing the report. Who knows what really happened. Really really crazy things went on during that period of our lives but I stuck it out with him. We still have about the same agreement about money and bills though, he knows he has a disease and can't be cured. He works no program so he is high risk for repeating his past. But I work my program and that's all I can worry about right now or forever actually. Good luck to you and keep your head up. Keep coming back and sharing.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

When my husband left rehab I had already closed out the account with both our names on it.. it was at zero anyway.. hahaha. addicts. I have my paychecks directly put in MY account. it just has my name on it. My husband broke his neck two months ago so when he left rehab he could not work and I have been giving him 10 bucks a day for whatever it is he wants.. we had shared money in our savings so it is both of ours. That money is almost gone now but it was not alot. Now Its very hard because my paychecks do not bring in much support for two people so I just give him money sporadically when he is out of it.. sometimes he makes ten bucks last three days b/c all he does is get coffee with AA people, go to meetings, go to outpatient, read in coffee shops, and walk.. thats just him, hes working his program. But I can tell you this.. no matter what he decides to do.. my paychecks are going to mine.. once his neck is healed and hes working again.. our finances will be entirely separate.. I will be trying to save up.. if he chooses to save some too in his own savings that's great.. but if not its his life.. I have to do this for me. My money will be entirely mine and rent will be 50/50 as will electric bill, water bill, etc. Although my husband is really working AA, I cannot rest my future in his hands because hes shown me time and time again that he will go waste all our money on dope and drink... so that's where I stand on the money situation. The thing is, I had to get there on my own and sharing
on this site is a great way to get ESH but ultimately you must do whatever is best for you at this time. But please remember this... that hard earned money.. that is yours!! If you have reason to think your money is being thrown away on something harmful... then it is up to you to decide what to do b/c it is YOUR money. Support your way, dragonflys

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Every post on here I am making is sounding harsh to me lately, but anyhow....

Yes, you do stop giving him money. You earned the money. It's your money. He is proving he is not accountable. He is free to work and earn his own money and open his own bank account. I would close the bank account. The longer you put up with this, the more he acts like a big irresponsible baby and it will be harder for him to man up when the time comes for him to truly recover. Had none of this happened to change what you consider normal...answer this question: "Do you think it is wise to have an active drug addict have access to your bank account?" You know the answer to that one and it is so very sad that "but I love him" and "but he's my husband" do not suffice enough to change the answer.

Do not think I don't understand how hard it must be for you though. This is your husband and you didn't get married so you could treat him like a kid. Nor did you expect him to self destruct like this. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Mark

looking_for_peace · Veteran Member

Ummm...I am going to try not to sound negative. For many years I tried to separate my finances from my AH's. He was not cooperative. This meant it was near impossible to change things that were joint. The banks were of no help to me. My AH had to sign me off joint accounts as well. If it were a VISA, the balance had to be zero. Needless to say. much of it was out of my hands. I did manage to change the mortgage over to my account (which was actually not supposed to be done, but I think the bank manager took pity on my story). I also made sure my own check went to my own bank account. But truth be told...it made little difference. So...my husband committed suicide November 12, 2011. I ended up with the debt, because it wasn't separated. There is a chance I won't be forced to pay off his VISA and Line of credit because I had nothing to do with it, but the bank sure is trying. I don't want to sound cynical or scare you...but I will NEVER sign any loan or open ANY account with another person for the rest of my life. I don't care how much I love them, or trust them. Unfortuantely things change and no matter how wonderful that person is, mental illness and addictions can grab hold of them. My suggestion is to change whatever you can possibly change. Some of it is out of your control for now, but the minute it gets into your control (for example, a joint VISA balance is zero), then get your name off everything joint if possible. It doesn't mean you don't love him. It only means you don't trust the illness. Good luck.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to echo Looking for peace, i will never have another account linked with another human being. I am having to pay off a vehicle loan because he isn't working, gives me sob story every month as to why he can't pay it (he can afford to go drink but not pay bills). I maintained an account in my name only throughout my marriage because of past experience with irresponsible 1st marriage; second marriage had us with my account and "our" account - our account no longer exists, but my account remains. The dream is to share everything, expenses & income; the reality for those in addiction troubled households is a separate account to make sure there is money to pay the bills. And Michelle - I couldn't imagine what it would be like to get to spend $10 a day on nothing accountable!

dragonflys · Senior Member

Thank you all for the ESH. I know what I need to do. I need to stop taking care of him. I have to get a new bank account...and have my paychecks deposited in there. He will have a student loan check coming and I am afraid that it will all go up in smoke. We need a new washing machine and we need that money to pay for daycare as my husband cannot take care of my daughter during the day. Boy oh Boy, I am not looking forward to that conversation.

Again thank you all for taking the time to write. It really means so much to me that this board is here. I lurk around and read, rarely ever post and am so very greatful that you all are here for me, despite my inability to give back as much as I have received.

Happy New Year :)

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