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Well my AH husband came over tonight and told me that he was so much happier away from me!!
He also said, that his counselor said that I was probably the reason that he drank.
I told him that I did not cause it, he said, "No you didn't, but you did not help either."
Those comments kind of hurt, I guess that means that my marriage is over.
Does anyone have any ESH to offer?
Ugh..probably not what you needed to hear! Perhaps part of his "positive" attitude is that he is starting to gain a sense of ownership over sobriety (?) and maybe he doesn't know how to express that exactly (I am hypothesizing) but I just remember when my AH and I first separated (we are still separated...not divorced) and at first, I did feel very liberated and super excited to just LIVE again. But it isn't like any of my problems really went away...and so I still have lots of work to do. I guess my point is, there is an initial euphoria when change happens and persistent pain becomes a sense of relief that we have longed for and needed, but that doesn't change reality. The reality is, you didn't cause anything...and you couldn't 'help' make him choose to drink or not, he is responsible for his actions.
He may just be feeling positive for the first time in a while, but certainly you know in your heart that you did not cause him to drink (I cannot fathom a counselor would say something like that and take that responsibility away from him--how bizarre...could the words have been misinterpreted??). God forbid he relapses all on his own, then of course has no body to pin it on...my husband relapsed after we were not living together anymore and honestly, it validated for me that I really DIDN'T cause it (I hate admitting that but it's true) and was also a wake up call to him, too.
In terms of your marriage being over, you'll know when it is. If he didn't say it in those words, then it is probably best not to project what you think he meant. That kind of thinking can drive a person crazy.
Live and Let Live has gotten me through these types of times...he is living, he can do and feel whatever...but you also need to live, and you can create whatever kind of life you want. Best wishes for some peace. Keep coming back!!
Trust me , you are not the reason he drinks . Sounds like he has found the councelor practicing alcoholic dreams of , one who shifts the blame to other people never allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior . You are not powerful enough to make anyone drink or stop. Dont jump to conclusions about your marriage take this time to work on yourself , find those meetings do it for you . Oh yeah and if he is so happy without you why does he keep seeking you out .could be he's checking to make sure you dont get to happy with out him Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 30th of December 2011 09:19:46 PM
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 30th of December 2011 09:21:52 PM
By the way, when I said this: "In terms of your marriage being over, you'll know when it is." I definitely didn't mean to imply that your marriage would end! So sorry if that came out wrong Definitely not what I meant...
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Keep reminding yourself, he is *very very sick* and part of that sickness is projecting his guilt and anger at himself onto other people (you). If you do not react to it, he will have to eventually face his own actions.
Do you have Al-Anon literature that you can read when you need some support? It helps SO much...sometimes, just a phrase will click and make things turn around inside.
I really hope you can get to a meeting. It can get so much better for you. I know it is hard to be the one responsible for the kids--that is my situation, too, but they need one sane sober parent.
ttpurtee there's hope when you get the literature, meetings, and the rest of the suggestions including sticking with your MIP family...the recovery experience will change you...change how you see things and hear things because you will come to understand the truth as it is in reality. Your alcoholic (not your husband) isn't near the reality he will come to understand if he also gets around recovering people who will paint the picture of life as an alcoholic the way it is not the way he imagines it. Every solidly recovering alcoholic, myself included, would attempt to hold another person responsible for their drinking or sobriety because it isn't true for one and rings of the need to more deeply work a program of sobriety. Same for you if you work just that little tool of recovery such as the 3c's when ever he attempts to hold you responsible or blame you for what is going on in his life that has to do with drinking or the quality of his drinking you will know with confidence its not true and he needs more help which you cannot give him including accepting his denial. Sooooo when ever he blames "you" its not "true". You're not that powerful.
Glad you keep coming back and reaching out I pray you continue to do that and realize you are not alone in this by a long shot. ((((hugs))))
Hurting people hurt other people. It is sad but true. This disease causes people to have low self-esteem and insecurities. Many show these emotions by putting the blame on others because they can't accept the truth about their own illness. It is not about YOU. Really. You are precious and a jewel. You are made perfect in God's eyes. Pray for your AH. He is a sick human being. What he says hurt. Yet, you know it is not the truth. Keep coming back.
I have doubts that a trained mental health person would put the blame of someones drinking on a spouse, just my 2cents. I have done a lot of therapy and I have always been taught to own my actions and stuff. He is sick! I am sending youlove and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I have to remind myself when my AH baits me....dont jump on the hook!!!
For some folks it is much easier to lash out and deflect issues onto other people than to take responsibility for their actions..
And what I found is that my AH heard what he wanted to hear in counseling...just because your AH says the counselor said that...it may be that your husband has put his own, uh, spin on something the counselor said? Plus, As are notorious BS artists...the counselor may not have the whole story yet...
My AH is always scary and nastiest to me when he has no other ground to stand on...that is when he attacks....
Hang in there...and think of yourself as teflon -- don't let his unkind and nasty words stick!
I think in the Newcomer's packet I got at my first reading, there was something about the alcoholic using two diversions to keep the focus of of himself and the alcohol--causing anger or fear. I think back over all the ridiculous, pointless arguments when I was defending myself...i now know it was just to keep me reacting and busy so I wouldn't be able to stay focused on the real issue. I'm sure I'm not paraphrasing the idea very well, but when I read it, it made so much sense to me. i now try to remember to not engage, not defend myself, not argue a point or not try to get him to see things my way. It is pointless and harmful to me. And what a relief! Hope this helps.
He is literally flinging those comments at you to hurt you. Please dig deep and use our support, the support around you, and your higher power to not let them sink in. You seem to be shocked by the hurtful statements he is making. You are dealing with an angry, emotionally stunted, alcoholic. Yeah, you have a long history and children together, but HE is the alcoholic and you don't have to let him hurt you any more or give credence to his ridiculous insults that he says because he wants you to suffer as much as him.
As difficult as it is, please try not to take his harsh words personally. They sound personal, but it is the disease that is talking and oftentimes is not a reflection of what that person is feeling, but a projection of anger, self-hate, pity, or fear. My exAH has said similar and many other horrible things; I do believe he escalates it until he is satisfied with a reaction... and, more recently escalates it and shuts down when he isn't able to elicit a reaction. When I get barraged, I turn to MIP and Alanon and practice putting the focus back on myself.
Definitely not what I meant...
