Our alcoholic son is living with us - Al-Anon Family Group

cypressmom · Member

Our alcoholic son is living with us

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

37 yrs old , 8pm curfew hmmmmm good luck with that one . You can set all kinds of rules but alcoholism just dosent respect them . Please find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself you need support from people who understand the struggle your having . Question son is paying you rent , why is he not living on his own .you have a right to serenity in your own home . We are enablers and until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing is going to change . Louise

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Cypressmom and welcome to the board. I second what Abbyal has posted cause that is generally what worked for me also. Getting into Al-Anon was the very best thing I could have ever done for myself and it didn't stop any of the alcoholic/addicts in my life who were driving me crazy from drinking and using. It just doesn't happen that way. You son isn't convinced he is alcoholic and inspite of running into walls and damaging his truck and running red light and the sort he doesn't have enough proof that he needs help. The help he is getting is from you and others isn't helping you and others its just enabling him to continue with what he believes (kinda/sorta...because he knows that normal people don't act that way unless they have a problem with alcohol) he's still got a handle with. Alcoholics aren't brain dead all the time. They do wake up and review the consequence of being owned by alcohol and he is owned by alcohol. He will make all the promises in the world to himself and to others and alcohol will control the outcome. Did you know it is a fatal disease and that without help he or you and his dad have any power over it.

Welcome to the board...go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon, call it and see where and when we get together in face to face meetings for support and healing. He'll probably drink anyway.

danni · Senior Member

Welcome! I am sorry you are in such a confusing and painful situation. I found living with my AH very frustrating, hopeless, and confusing. I was living with so much fear and resentment. I am so grateful that year ago I walked into my first Al Anon meeting. I learned about alcoholism and how to deal with the pain and confusion. I learned that all the efforts I had taken were really only hurting the situation, and I learned how to make sense of my situation and my life while going through this painful situation. One of my favorite Al Anon slogans is "Let it Begin with Me". Often, if one gets help, it is someone closest to the alcoholic, before the alcoholic reaches out for help. I was of no help to anybody until I helped myself. The information and support I got from the meetings helped me make sense of the situation and create stability in my home and family, despite my husband's drinking. We have a 2 and 5 year old, so whether my husband decides to drink or not, at least I have some clarity and sanity. I am working on responding to things (or choosing not to sometimes) clearly and thoughtfully and not just reacting. Things are still challenging sometimes, but they are improving, and so am I. I am sending you so much support, and I hope my share has been helpful.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Abbyal. He has no reason to change while living with you. He is acting like a kid and you are treating him like one in turn.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome! Believe me you have found the best place for help. Plus Al Anon meetings in your area for you are vital.

It is horrible hard to tell them no. We are not made that way. But with an addict child, we have to!
When we allow them to live with us as adults, we are keeping them sick!

Hard concept huh!? We rob them of learning to do for themselves. We have to allow people to do for themselves what they can. When we do for our kids they learn nothing. I sent my son out when he was 22. He is 35 now and so independant, good work, great gal, high morals, will not take a dime from me.

Daughter is the same. it was soooo hard I am telling you. I raised them as a widow so we are super close.

He is an adult, this disease will have him believe his own lies, it will suck YOU guys dry. Makes us so sick to allow them to move in, and the disease loves it. Sure take care of me while I run this body thru havok!

The person needs to face no one can live with him this way. NO ONE. they need to have no where to go, fall in the gutter, be homeless, jobless whatever to get sick enough to pull themselves out of the hell that addiction is.

We need to back off 100%. "Getting Them Sober" Toby Rice Drew volume one...saved me.

Believe me if he was in recovery, he would look at you and say why did you allow the disease in me to hurt you?! He would want you to be strong and protect yourself from him.

This is what we learn in Al Anon and I swear it is the truth. My kids friends all stayed with us as teens. I would not take one in like this, not one. I would say you go out there and figure it out. Saying that is us saying, "I know you can do it, I have faith in you."

I promise you if my ex AH who I loved so much could move in with his mommy he would and he is sixty now.

hugs hugs, hope you come back. We need you too! love,debilyn

Rose50 · Senior Member

Hello cypressmon -

I understand your pain as I also have an alcoholic son. He's 32 and has been hospitalized now 3x in as many months. Each time I thought "this is it - he will finally seek help" and it hasn't happened yet. What we believe is rock bottom is not their rock bottom. He's living with his Dad at this time and has no job. It's so difficult and heartbreaking watching your child self-destruct, but I have learned through Al-Anon that there is NOTHING I can do. He needs to want help and it has to come from within him. I strongly urge you to seek out Al-Anon meetings as they have been a godsend to me. I still worry and am very concerned but the anxiety has eased and I am sleeping better. It helped me so much to talk about my feelings and to be with others who truly understood.

I will keep your son in my prayers.

cypressmom · Member

Thanks to all of your responses. It is nice to have others who understand what we're going thru. We have asked our son before about getting his own place, preferably close to his work. He is driving way too far from where we live. His answer to that is that he is afraid that he will drink more if he lives by himself. That might be but I don't think it could be much more worse than how he is now. The bad thing about all this is that his current job does not provide insurance. But we both still tell him that he should get medical help. I have already found a church where Al Anon and AA meetings are held in the evenings. It is only 3 or 4 miles from us. My husband & I both plan on going as soon as we can. Thanks again, everyone!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Cypressmom - I had to laugh out loud almost at the whole "I will drink more if I live by myself" thing. It is painful to hear but comical almost to me because those are the same hostage taking threats I used to make when I was drinking and I wanted to force people to enable me. That is a nasty thing to say and do to your parents. It is the same as saying "If you make me move out, I will kill myself!"

If a person really wants to get sober, they will not be deterred. They will find their own meetings and get their butt to them just like I did. I started living on my own for the first time at age 36 and it was a strong part of what saved my life. I knew that if I fell on my face from that point, I might not be able to get back up, so that was my bottom and where I started to climb up. I cannot say it will be that way for your son, but I can't say that it wont.

You do not need to be the one to find his meetings, to make sure he has insurance...any of that.... I think the Alanon meetings for you and your husband will be wonderful for you both. Your son is either going to get sober or not and when he is ready, so aid from you and your husband to help him help himself might be useful at that time. You will know he is serious when he does find his own meetings, attends them, has a sponsor, and the changes will be obvious. For now, he just wants you to cosign his BS so he can keep drinking (even if he doesn't know that is what he is doing).

Mark

cypressmom · Member

Thank you for giving me your viewpoint on this. It means alot to me to hear from someone who has been there,,,done that. I am happy for your success and can only hope that things will work out for all of us. This disease runs in our families. My dad died of pancreatic cancer at 49 (I think from drinking). My father in law died at 60 from alcohol. He made my husband's family miserable and scared of him while they were still small kids. It also ended in divorce. One of my brother in laws died at 40 from alcohol. He came out of fighting in Vietnam as a heavy smoker & drinker. He got to the pt. where he was hallucinating & thought people were chasing after him. Two other brother in laws had a drinking problem. One is a widow now & has lessened his drinking a lot where it's not a problem for him. The other one made a decision to quit altogether in 1988. He is married with one grown son and doesn't touch any alcohol at all. On my side of the family, besides my dad with his drinking problem, my youngest brother was on cocaine since his late teen/early 20's. He is now 52 and seems okay. Not sure if he has quit completely. He ended up divorced with 2 daughters. All I can hope is that our son will try to help himself. Our 1st al-anon meeting will be this Thurs. nite. Hoping this helps us.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You will definitely bring a lot to the meetings. You have many qualifiers and much to share. Just reading about what alcoholism has done to so many people in your family helps me see the disease for what it really is which is insideous, powerful, cunning, and baffling. It is good to have you here.

cypressmom · Member

Well, he had another relapse last nite/ this morning, Went to practice with his band for 7p.m. and never cane back to our house. I texted/ tried calling with no response until about midnite. Texted he was staying with a friend. I finally went to sleep sometime after 1 a.m. My husband kept waking up off & on. Last time husband woke up at 3 a.m., he looked to see if our son was here, just in case. He heard a motor running. Our son was asleep inside his truck while it was still running in park position) in street ( we are in a cul-de-sac). He stayed home all day today recouping from all the drinking. He told his boss the truth (very understanding boss). His boss really has ben supportive during all this. Our son works hard & has brought his boss alot of business in his inside sales work. My husband and I both had a long talk with him this evening and son has told us he will go to AA meetings. We will be looking for a close place for Al-Anon meetings, too. I hope this helps all of us.

debbiems · Veteran Member

i hope the very best for your family. i to have an alcohlic son who is 22 and moved back home after 2 years of being on his own and then one year of being locked up for DUI's. i have tryed every possible thing i can to make him stop drinking to the point of putting my marriage on the line. It is horrible to be in this spot. We raise are children and at some point we need to let them be responsible for themselves. I can say it but i am having a very hard time living it. my husband and I have been going to Al anon meetings and i have to say i am surprised how much i enjoy going to them now.

Best of luck praying for you and yours

debbiems

cypressmom · Member

Thanks so much for your reply. Our son was living on his own in Oregon for 1-2 yrs. Then came back here to Cypress, TX abt 5 yrs. ago, after breaking up with his then gf. Not sure when the drinking really got out of hand since he wasn't living with us until this past Oct. Still is.My husband has tried to tell him we'd like to see him get his own place close to his work and be on his own. He has been close to getting DWI's. Been lucky so far. 'Fraid it's just a matter of time. Since he's moved back with us ( last gf kicked him out of her place), it has caused a lot of friction with my husband & me. I am hoping to find an Al-anon place where we can start going, too.

I also wish you the best of luck to you and your family. My prayers also will be with you

Diane

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