The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so guilty of this. I keep trying to belive that somewhere in my spouse is the love, consideration, affection for me that I see him show others. Maybe that's why it is so very difficult. As an ACoA I have a real problem with this because this is exactly how my Mom treated me growing up. I am still so hurt and so damaged from that. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want soooo much to let that go.
Oh, I know that lonliness. I sometime even feel envious of the affection my children receive, though it is embarrassing to admit it. My sponser suggested giving my AH the affection I was wanting, regardless of whether he reciprocated or not. Just a moment of a hand on his shoulder telling him I love him, for example. At first it felt awkward and unfair, but with her support I continued. In time, with this giving, I did start to feel like I was getting something back--maybe not my ideal reaction, but more connection than before. Sometimes more than others. Still sometimes not at all, but at least I know I have done my part. I used to pull away to punish and stew in my hurt feelings, and sometimes I still do, but each day I try again, even if just for a moment. In the Just For Today bookmark, the prayer at the end states, "grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive". So I try to remove my expectations and continue to give. Thanks for the reminder! Sending you support.
Danni - thank you. I have not stopped being affectionate with him. I am inately an affectionate person. But to continually go to the well and the well is dry can be a hard thing, but I haven't stopped.
I hear you and understand that feeling and sadness.
Alanon taught me to "Ask for What I Need". My hubby, like yours was very caring and giving to outside friends and I felt ignored at home.
"Suffering in silence" just caused me great discomfort. Sharing at my meetings and with alanon friends and a sponsor taught me how to express my needs in a non confrontational manner and to "Ask for What I Needed" It worked.
Awesome subject and shares...Truthfully I haven't ever met a person and more than often in Al-Anon who hasn't felt that their love and attention has been reciprocated. I remember counseling when my first addict wife and I were splitting up when my counselor described the picture to my then wife. "Jerry feels that his love isn't being returned" and while I never said those words myself I was amazed that my counselor picked up on it and spoke the truth for me. Addicts and Alcoholics are fixated on the chemicals they use and that own them...everything and everyone else is second and then I learned in Al-Anon while splitting with my second now alcoholic/addict wife that the family, friends, associates and spouses of the alcoholic/addict get "crumbs" only if they get that and I was sooo sad and angry when that truth sunk in...thank God I had already had the lesson about this being a matter of disease and not a moral issue otherwise I would have tried harder to punish my sick spouse.
Then I learned a comforting lesson..."They are doing the best they can with what they have" and that became how I measured the situation of being loved by the alcoholic/addict. That is how the sick person does it and that isn't a reason for me to love less. I was learning how to love properly at that time and learning a new definition of "love" which I still use daily "the complete and total ACCEPTANCE OF EVERYOTHER PERSON for exactly who they are." It doesn't mention love or the alcoholic/addict. Love is a condition of personal character choice just like amills does it. I want to continue doing it that way because there is no room in it for pain for me. If I feel I am getting less I ask myself am I giving less or is there room to give more. If I act self righteously the pain will grow even more greater and that will mean I am not even loving myself. One of the names of my Higher Power is Love and because of that I understand that Love has to be the will of my Higher Power.
Some of the latest lessons of the subject of love as shown to me by my HP is that where there is love there is no fear and the opposite is also true...where there is fear there is no love. I've tested this lesson out in fact using the most recent police assault I've been victim to and amazing there is no fear and there is love. My Higher Power is helping to remind me of this lesson as since the assault there have been two more stops by the police...I have become aware that it is probably because my HP wants them to meet and get love more than anything else. There is no "Saint" in front of Jerry F and never has been maybe "New and improved" would be more appropriate. LOL
Great thread...I'd love (there we go again) to learn more about it...(((((hugs)))))
Ultimately, I am responsible for being able to state clearly what my needs are and then allowing the other person to at least try to meet them. Now maybe they can't and I have to decide if it's a need I can meet through a different way. Affection is something I'm having to state very clearly then I also realized I wasn't openly available to receive said affection. It's a family of origin issue in my case. I can remember my grandma shying away from a hug. It was almost as if it pained her not because she was cold, just because she didn't know how to accept this kind of affection. My mom was obviously similar. We just aren't a huggy feely kind of family between the three of us. Now my kids I hug as often as I remember, .. lol .. I know sad, however I have to remind myself to do specific things. I have also let my daughter know she is responsible if she is feeling this is something she wants to let me know. It's not personal it's literally not how I was raised.
I've had to recognize that a hug it's not a first response for me and I still feel weird doing it. I have to give what I ultimately want from others. I'm learning to state my needs and be clear about it. Knowing that I can meet my own emotional needs is huge. Great thread thank you!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you all and great shares. I'm a very demonstrative person - I need and enjoy affection. There is much affection shared with my daughter and I see much affection shown from my spouse to her (though not as much as she's getting older) as well as immense affection to our pets from him. He is a loving person but it's not without condition (as with most). Not to get to much into it but sex is no issue for him - he says it's a need - he needs that connection and I don't disagree. It means so much to me to have the person I care about occasionally hold my hand - rub my arm when they walk past - put a hand on my back - etc. In typing this I guess I'm realizing that it helps to heal my feeling of invisibility growing up. If I am touched then it's confirmation that I am cared for and that I'm seen - WOW.... that was painful.... tears just started flowing.
