Sickness visited my home last night - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Sickness visited my home last night

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

As I read your post BF .. all I could think was the words "You may be right." you aren't conceding to his point, however I find for me it cuts down any argument. How do you argue with someone especially when they are in the "need to be right" mode. Your house, your rules and none of his business. You and I get that and any rational person gets that however trying to be sober A's do not. All it gets you is a big fight and ill feelings.

I really do stick to the "You can't rationalize with an irrational person, you might as well nail jell-o to a tree." it has saved my butt on more than one occasion. I do find I am automatically defensive with certain people about certain subjects because I already know they are in judgement mode. Truthfully it shouldn't matter if they are or not it still is a button pusher for me.

Now this is just a suggestion as we don't give advice at Alanon .. LOL .. however I would highly suggest the kids are ready WHEN he walks in the door. No more last min showers (those can be done at his house), if it's cold, coats and gloves on and then there is no time for him to sit and pick. Which is something I speculate he wants to do because we all know in dealing with an active A they are looking for a reason to do what it is they do for their fix.

I so understand that it creates a certain amount of stress for you getting the kids ready, however once it is done it is done. His house his rules so if he doesn't want the kids on the internet then the laptop as cool as it is to get as a gift would have to stay home. It's only two days, and again we get what we give .. we want our house rules and privacy respected we have to give it as well.

Take what you like, hugs hugs hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

That has to be hard to have him come over like that.

I have seen others make boundaries telling them what I do in my home is my business. period. If it happens again, I will make arrangements for you to pick them up elsewhere.

You sound to me like you did great. Isn't it amazing how nice it is when we don't live with them anymore? I mean its sad too. But so much healthier.

Kids are going to be on the net not only at home. I feel they need to be taught how to use it appropriately and why. Just like driving a car has its bad side too.

hugs hugs! debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm surprised he has the boldness to change the plans like that -- in my experience, others can use failure to follow the plan as a way to change custody. In other words, people say to the court, "He breaks the custody plans and decides at the last moment to see them less, which is stressful for them, so I petition for no more overnights at his place." I've known this to happen (not in my own custody arrangements, but in others I know well). So maybe it's a strange consolation that he's shooting himself in the foot with this erratic behavior.

I wonder if it would work better to have the hand-off at a public place, so you could leave if he starts to get difficult. I know you didn't ask for new ideas, so disregard if it doesn't fit your situation.

It sounds as though you had a lot of awareness. Avoiding a big argument takes a lot of skill sometimes. Your recovery is showing. smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Pushka~ you are right I should have used the maybe you are right line, but I was in defensive mode and suprised he showed up at all, later I found out he talked to my 13 year old and she didn't convey the message. Once he started judging my parenting I forgot my tools in the begining.

Debilyn~ So glad to see you back here! Yes, I can really relax in my home these days.

Mattie~ He is your normel selfish A and his kids DO NOT come first either. I plan on moving further away and this may work itself out naturally, but as of now we live 3 blocks away and in a small town without any major business's although in the early months he didn't come in, I may suggest that I will bring the kids out to the car all bundled up when he pulls in, if he would call and let me know when he is on his way.

I just worry for my 13 year old feeling the way I used to when his drinking came first and knowing plans were changed because of it. I would rather he just be absent then trying once in awhile and the rest of the time incapable of reaching beyond himself.

danni · Senior Member

A longtime member who had a child with her now ex AH suggested that I can physically protect my kids from my AH, but there is only so much I can do in other ways, like hurt feelings, disappointment etc... I kept trying, in vain, to shield them from inevitable pain. I can, when appropriate, share my ESH with them, but they will have their own relationships with him--the good and the challenging. I can love, support and understand them when they get hurt, but I can't control that they won't get hurt by this sometimes. It is sad, but it is a relief for me when I really focus on having the courage to change the things I can. I try to Let go and Let God when certain things are out of my hands and trust that they will get something valuable out of this that may help them on their journeys. Sounds like you are doing a great job! Sending you lots of support!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

Kids are uber resilient it's more important to give her the tools to cope with those feelings than worrying about what she might be feeling. I know, .. our babies, .. mess with me, however leave those kids out of it scenario. I can so relate. It's sooo easy to project how we felt on them.

When the craziness of a year ago was going on, the best thing I did pre alanon was let our eldest know if she needed to talk about anything .. and she didn't feel comfortable sharing with me or her dad we would find her someone to talk to, shrink, pastor, teacher someone though who she felt comfortable with. She let out a big sigh of relief just knowing we would be there for her regardless of what the subject was and we would do our best to hear her. She has come to us both with hard topics and questions. I am very proud of how my spouse has chosen to handle some of those questions too.

I would just encourage you to really keep the lines of communication open and whatever the topic. You are a great mom!!! Whatever your ex thinks is not a reflection of the great parent you are, again .. you are your own validation of a wonderful program. That kiddo will be ok.

Hugs P :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone!

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