Obsessing over what was, what could be... - Al-Anon Family Group

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Obsessing over what was, what could be...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rehprof

I understand that mind frame and the difficulty in changing gears. I found in the beginning of a loss, I really needed to permit my mind to try to sort out the events, and learn from what happened.

I would permit myself to replay the entire relationships or whatever surfaced in my mind for One Hour each day. I would journal my thoughts, and then after an hour I forced myself to stop and acknowledge that I would continue the next day. Then when my mind wanted to drift back to obsession, I would - say NO--Only one hour each day tomorrow we can do this again and then I would use a slogan over and over in my mind until the urge lifted.

I did this for a few weeks. I reviewed my journal, what I had written at the end of each week , as a form of "talking to HP" and then sat quietly to hear what insight on the situation my HP could offer.

I then incorporated this information into my 4th and 5th Step

This was a good way to gain acceptance and clarity on a situation. and to be gentle with my heart and mind in the process.

I also spoke about my progress at meetings and to my sponsor

Keep on putting one thought in front of another Your attitude will shift.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

You just received great ESH from Betty. I would write and write in order to process. I hear in my F2F meeting about setting a time limit, alloting that time to think and then forcing yourself to move on.

I also suggest, if it's possible, go for a walk, pull out a workout DVD or video, do something active. It makes you feel better!!! If you don't feel like it just commit to try for 10 minutes, if after that 10 minutes you still are not feeling it then stop but otherwise keep going.

Sending hugs and support!!!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I love what has already been shared, I know for me I have to focus on the what is vs the what is not. Which is to do a gratitude list and that also helps shift me.

Hugs P :)

nyc018 · Senior Member

Mental self-torture is a big issue for me too. I wish I had an easy way to get off that train. For me I almost have to slap my hand and just say "stop" and remind myself that most of the things I worried about didn't happen, and the things that I was really, really upset over in the past no longer bother me. This gives me just a little bit of perspective and faith that everything that is bothering me now will pass.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

It has helped me to breathe in and then exhale and say "Let Go" very very slowly. then breathe in and then exhaling say "Let God" very slowly again. I also meditate when I can which helps and I try to focus my mind on just one thing, the sun shining, a flower blooming. waves crashing.. or just my HP and what I think is out there. If this is not for you I suggest getting active... hobbies hobbies hobbies... reading, meetings. Some of the things I have been doing are learning Guitar, writing poetry, watching youtube videos of my favorite bands.. researching lyrics and info on various musicians I find interesting.. sounds weird but its a hobby you know its interesting to hear music and read lyrics of others interpretations of smiliar things i am feeling and going through.

It also helps when I am lonely or thinking negative to reach out and ask an al-anoner to meet me for coffee.. youd be surprised how many people will love to sit and talk to someone in need. b/c of step 12.... It is easier said than done to "just knock it off" and the thoughts will come and that is okay. I would tell myself "okay I am thinking this.. I am feelings this.. that is okay and now I can let it go."

Thinking of you!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

When this occurs with me I have a 3 page Al-anon list I read of slogans, sayings and clips from books and wise people. It usually helps me to lose the stinking thinkin and get my head back in my program. If you need some of my pages just ask. Sending you love and support on your journey!

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

melanie beattie's work has been my constant companion these days! its very helpful....esp. "language of letting go"

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Just found this online...not sure who wrote it...but it makes sense to me:

When thoughts are negative in nature (thoughts of worry, anxiety, stress, lack, resentment, guilt etc) they produce resistance to the movement of your life, and this resistance is felt as suffering. Negative thoughts will always stand in resistance to the movement of your life, like blocks of stone in the midst of a swift current of water. Life is a stream of pure positive energy and hence any negative thought will stand in opposition to it, causing friction which is felt as suffering in the body.

The thoughts in your mind gain power from your attention and interest. Your attention is the fuel for your mind. So when you give attention to negative thoughts in the mind, you are unconsciously fueling it and thus attracting more momentum for these negative thoughts. The momentum of negative thoughts in your mind will slow down, and ebb away, automatically when you stop feeding your attention to it. Stay as an open space of awareness without contracting your attention on the negative thoughts of the mind, and soon they will lose their momentum.

You can focus on the positive thoughts generated in the mind, and thus develop a positive momentum in your mind. Every time your mind produces some positive thoughts, e.g thoughts of love, joy, excitement, abundance, beauty, appreciation, passion, peace etc, focus on it, milk it, and give attention to it. This will cause your mind to attract more positive thoughts and thus build a positive momentum. Whenever it thinks negatively, dont give it attention or interest, this will cause the ebbing away of the momentum of negative thinking. Its really that simple. Once you understand the mechanics of how thoughts gain momentum in the mind, you will be in total control of your state of being.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I like it and I forgot to say when I can't pull out and have tried a meeting, my sponsor and literature, I wear myself out physically swimming laps at the local pool or my treadmill until I am mush, it works everytime and have only had to do it a few times in the last year!

Grace7 · Senior Member

When I was deathly ill from my cancer and treatments and had to be taken care of yet, I was still afraid of dying. I'm too young! Want to see my grandchildren grow up, enjoy my husband whom I'm so Happy with! Is it over already? Really? Physically I was deteriorated.

My BFF came and took care of me and my parents who lived with me. She wrote notes and left them around the house, where I frequented, my nightstand, the bathroom mirror etc. They said, "I Am Strong, I Am Healthy!". I want to tell you, saying that outloud looking at myself and seeing the opposite, well....it worked!

So, how about notes affirming yourself that you say Out Loud 10 times a day while looking at yourself. I think it will kill the "old tapes".

"I Am Strong, I Am Valuable, I Am a Treasure"....etc etc come to mind.

Prayers for you heart to heal soon, and trust in just that. It Will heal!:)

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Grieving can take a while. I know my reflections now on the relationship I had with the now ex A were very difficult.

I also know that I had to move through them. There were no short cuts.

Maresie

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I so know the feelings .. Mental torture .. Self harm .. I was in here typing similar to the same this week .. Out of an 11 year relationship with the alcoholic in my life who I still have many feelings for .. After putting in so much of me into him for 11 years that I was feeling absolutely depleted, it felt for so long like so this is it ?? just cold cut off it's done ?? Almost as if the two of us were drunk for 11 years trying to figure out what happened the night before .. This being my own experience only .. I went to a meeting this week and the topic was letting go and letting God .. others were sharing to do something to take them out of their heads, while some others shared the infamous, don't just do something, sit there .. When i'm in the spin with my X who comes once a week to see our daughter (longer stay over christmas) It's hard for me to shake it and get myself to get up and do anything ... I'm already doing something .. because I can't just sit there .. I have to do something !! (in my head) Obssessing .. but I began for the first time seeing how my doing nothing but obssessing is my way and letting God get in there is when i pick myself up and make myself do something .. It's so hard but since we learn by experience his way is to get us up and give us little gifts along the way ..

Keep coming and sharing .. What's hard for me is the recognition there is no cure for alcoholism .. only treatment which is recovery through the steps .. for me there are times I've felt like a failure for things over which I had no control; not recognising alcoholism (the effects on me) in a room even .. when i'm in the past in my thinking without realising it when i'm obssessing i'm looking for a cure to fix things in me or others .. when i'm not finding it in the past then, I jump to the future .. I never find anything except when I'm in today in a meeting just sharing others' experience which always gives me strength and hope ..

Many hugs your way .. keep coming sharing being honest .. the answer is coming here and to meetings .. the solutions are different for everyone ...

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.