The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First and foremost I think ive found a group to join for weekly meetings. But I am worried about what has transpired over the last week. I have been working insane hours at work. And I happen to work second, my husband works first. Hes also had the last week off from work. Every night when i have been getting home from work this last week. Hes extremely drunk, my house is trashed. There are people in my house i don't know or dislike. A women I very much dislike has been flirting with my husband as well. He is amused by all of this. I finally lost it this morning. After my husband got out of bed before he started drinking i went off. And I have never screamed at him when hes sober before. I told him that I am done with all of this, the drinking has to stop. Because i refuse to live with a man that appreciates my work by drinking all night and trashing our beautiful home. I told him i dont want a divorce ill just leave. Leave all my stuff leave everything. Ill get in my car and go, and i wont come back for a long time if ever. This freak out session has him very quite right now. Hes upset with me but I dont know what else to do. My house looks like a bomb went off **** every where bottles and cans. And the very nice Christmas gift we got from his mother of $100.00 dollar went to buy beer and pot. I feel like im living like white trash. And every time we get ahead just a tiny bit he takes a few steps back. Now i have one day off and i find myself spending that whole day cleaning. I dont know how much longer i can put up with this disrespectful behavior. Mostly I dont know where to go from here. Ive never broken down like this with him before. Ive always just put on a happy face and kept going, yet today i find that I can no longer do that. I dont want to hold our relationship and marriage hostage which is what I feel like im doing now throwing this extreme ultimatum at him. But I also dont know what to do with this situation any more. I feel so very lost. Any thoughts on where I should be going next with all of this!!!
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 28th of December 2011 03:14:34 PM
Personally, I think this is unacceptable behavior. In Al-Anon we do not say what you should do but just provide ESH on our own experiences. I feel for you so much right now because you are putting in 100% and getting what? Get to a meeting and get a sponsor as soon as possible. You do not have to clean up after him. His choices, his consequences. This is entirely up to you but just know that you have choices as does he and YOU deserve to be happy... absolutely. okay? ((hugs))
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
perhaps this is not a breakdown, but a breakthrough...
he has choices...but when his choices start messing up your side of the street it's okay to draw boundaries that keep you safe (and not cleaning up after parties on your only day off).
you have a right to come home to a safe, clean, and comfortable home without unwanted (and flirty) guests...
I'm sorry you are dealing with this- go easy on you. I'm glad you're here- living with an active A is overwhelming enough, let alone when combined with other stressors with work, the house, etc. The disease is progressive unless the addict/alcoholic abstains and works a hard at a recovery program. Just so you know- you aren't alone... and, I remember when living with an active A how it was like living with a constant tornado - the extreme mess and chaos - and the disrespect... and, I'm still given plenty of opportunities to practice getting out of his way.
Ultimatums rarely, if ever, work. We are powerless over the disease; but we are not powerless to make positive changes for ourselves. When I'm in this spot, I like to practice the slogan "mean what you say, and say what you mean, but don't say it meanly."
As I have been encouraged, please consider attending face to face meetings, get a sponsor, reading all you can about the disease, and the MIP boards. "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice is a quicker read and something I found very helpful. I've heard people recommend a small Alanon pamphlet on detachment, but I haven't been able to locate that for myself yet.
A sponsor could help talk through how best to determine and set boundaries and how to maintain them and give tips on how to put the focus on yourself. There are options available so you will not be exposed to abusive behavior or take on the consequences from his choices.
Figure out what you really truly want and go from there. This sounds like over the top unreasonable behavior to me, but your mileage may vary. Don't be rash, take your time, think it through and then act knowing what you want the outcome to be, otherwise you may falter and once that happens they never belive you again and (in my opinion) you are inviting worse behaviro because they know they can talk you out of consequences. Hang in there!
It's true that the drinking should stop but also true, unfortunately, that you have no power to make it stop. You do have power to get sanity back into your life. Leaving with no plan, leaving all your stuff there, and just driving away is the kind of fantasy I've had many times, but of course it isn't a real plan, just an expression of frustration with the current situation.
It looks to me as if you have three options. 1) Continue to live the way things have been going (sounds very stressful) 2) Find a way to continue living with your A in the current situation but be okay with it (some people are able to do this with the help of meetings and recovery, Your Mileage May Vary) 3) Find a new place and a way to separate from your A calmly and with planning.
The question I wish someone had asked me early on is: What would you do if you knew for certain he was not going to change? That might be a helpful way to approach it.
I would agree with the above; maybe this is a breakthrough rather than dreakdown ..I'm just out of an 11 year relationship .. I have been through Everything you are talking about Except my partner and i weren't married .. We talked marriage but it never happened .. Thank God. At the moment, he's back with his X gf who was there Before me .. Words can't express how I feel about that .. What really bothers me?? I have Absolutely no control .. I feel used and violated because I was .. I have choices though of what I will and won't put up with in the future to the most degree, but we still have our daughter and visits on Sunday. There's a million areas that get hit in our subconscious that lead us toward reacting that we don't even realise in mock ten in the fear & sometimes jealousy cycle .. It's not just about the A .. Suddenly we feel our Entire security being threatened .. The fear of the financial burdens if he left, our emotional security and companionship, the loss of family members, The loss of assets we've aquired together .. Whenever there is a change in behavior, there is usually always a loss .. The loss of the days he wasn't drinking, the days he was respecting us .. the sober moments .. the good days .. the willingness to make more of the effort .. there is alot of grieving going on and its important to try to be gentle with ourselves .. Unfortunately, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us and we need spiritual help .. The good news is this is a we program .. not an I program .. keep coming sharing it will get better .. I know for me I absolutely would not have been prepared to deal with such a painful crisis in my life were it not for the steps and a Wonderful spiritual sponsor who'd been through the same .. Anger brings confusion and I had plenty .. There is an online site I love .. www.stepchat.com 24/7 chat and online meetings are available .. there are phone meetings too .. keep coming .. Maybe it would be better for the moment to spend your day off with others who understand .. Let the rest take care of itself .. Why should our husbands worry about the condition of the house when afterall they have Us to clean it .. We teach them well how to treat us .. I did it too .. there are days I Still need reminders .. the number 1 unacceptable behavior I've ever accepted though is my own .. I tollerated so much from him .. in my mind, he was making me a victim; but thanks to my steps I do realise i was volunteering for the role out of belief I desperately thought I needed Him to get better before I could .. That and the fact of course I'd felt like I'd known him my whole life because I have; I've known the behavior and we go to what we know by human nature .. Course for me, I also fit the line in one of the blue alanon books that reads, "When my husband and I got married, we became One .. we became Him .. I was so enmeshed .. there was No me left ..
Keep coming .. Hugs & Many thoughts of you today !!
It's true that the drinking should stop but also true, unfortunately, that you have no power to make it stop. You do have power to get sanity back into your life. Leaving with no plan, leaving all your stuff there, and just driving away is the kind of fantasy I've had many times, but of course it isn't a real plan, just an expression of frustration with the current situation.
It looks to me as if you have three options. 1) Continue to live the way things have been going (sounds very stressful) 2) Find a way to continue living with your A in the current situation but be okay with it (some people are able to do this with the help of meetings and recovery, Your Mileage May Vary) 3) Find a new place and a way to separate from your A calmly and with planning.
The question I wish someone had asked me early on is: What would you do if you knew for certain he was not going to change? That might be a helpful way to approach it.
That last question is powerful! It requires facing reality, and deep soul searching!!! I also appreciate the your mileage may vary!!! It is absolutely necessary to have boudaries and guidelines, I know this because it's how I take care of me! I have to keep my side of the street clean and as rehprof stated "he has choices...but when his choices start messing up your side of the street it's okay to draw boundaries that keep you safe (and not cleaning up after parties on your only day off)."
"What would you do if you knew for certain he was not going to change? That might be a helpful way to approach it?" awesome and made my quote and mini journal.
"perhaps this is not a breakdown, but a breakthrough" I love this. Blessings in disguise. I love blessings in disguise. What seems to be the most painful moments have turned into true epiphanies and those breakthrough moments for me.
"he has choices...but when his choices start messing up your side of the street it's okay to draw boundaries that keep you safe (and not cleaning up after parties on your only day off" LOVE IT.
MoonBeam, I hope the ESH helped you. these shares are awesome! Please just know that others are here for you and know what you are feeling.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
You have received great ESH already and maybe this is your crossroads and breaking point of taking unacceptable behavior. We all get there at some point, mine was way past what I thought I could handle. I have read a few great books that I want to recommend to you. "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, "The Lauguage of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie and "Courage to Change" was my first daily reader. I hope you are able to make it to lots of Al-anon face to face meetings and in time find a sponsor this is what saved my sanity and brought me to serenity. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
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