The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im having a terrible time right now. Husband is alcoholic, addicted to pain pills. He's being a real jerk too. We are in a fight. I'm feeling closer to the possibility of divorce than ever before. I need someone to tell me I deserve to be happy. Do I really? Are things just only going to get worse? I don't even know where to begin with divorce, I can't ask anyone I know.
When I've been reeled in to the chaos, my best bet was to step back or walk away. It took me nearly forever, and I'm still learning, to not attend every fight I'm invited to. Also, that when dealing with an active A, it is not possible to have a rational discussion... if it even hints at taking a turn for the worse, it is my cue to kindly disengage. Remember the three Cs- you didn't cause it , you can't control it, you can't cure it.
It's been my experience that things escalate with my A when he is overcome by fear.... it comes out on me as horrible words and behavior- without Alanon I never would have known that he is suffering too.
You came to MIP - a step towards taking care of you!
Can you get to a face to face meeting or do you have a sponsor you could call to talk this through?
I've found that my best decisions were not those that were not born from chaos and confusion. You do not have to decide about a divorce right now. Make sure you are safe and think of what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Take a deep breath GreenerGrass. Al-Anon teaches us that we don't have to make any decisions right now. First thing I always tell myself is what do I need to do for me right now? Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT...Al-anon anacrynm for how to cope in a crisis) If I'm hungry then I get a bite to eat. If I'm Angry I do one of several things, I either work out, write in my journal, or punch a pillow. If I'm lonely I take myself to a meeting or pick up the phone to call an Al-Anon friend. If I'm tired, I take a nap. These may seem like simple things, but oh so hard to do when we're caught up in the disease of alcoholism.
Do you have a home Al-anon group? That's a good place to start if you haven't. If you have got a home group, a sponsor is also a good resource. Of course keep coming back here and posting because this site has helped me immensely also.
Take care and hang in there, and yes you do deserve to be happy. It can get better.
Overcome
-- Edited by Overcome on Monday 26th of December 2011 07:40:52 PM
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I do have a mEeting on Tuesday I can go to. But I haven't been more than twice because I have to bring my two little ones, and they are so distracting. I feel like I'm ruining the meeting.
Feelings aren't facts and allowing my emotions to control or taint my decisions has never worked well either on the positive or negative side of things. You've already gotten great ESH, I just wanted to let you know I"m thinking of you and sending love and support during this difficult time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
when I am feeling crazy, out of control, reactive...I remember...
I have made it through crises before, and though they may have been different circumstances, I know I will make it through this storm too...believe in your abilities to call in resources as you need them, seek support here on the boards...you can do it if you think about it a little at a time...you only have to get through the day one minute at a time if that is what it takes....
it helps me not to think about the BIG SCARY stuff.(like should I DIVORCE, and WILL I ALWAYS BE ALONE) ..but rather simple things I can control...what kind of tea shall I have? who will I call who will be a supportive ear? where will I walk the dog at the top of the hour? Buy a new pen and journal and write and write.....it's absolutely okay to fall apart too. we ALL have. buy stock in kleenex. when you are feeling shakey and scared is not the best time to be making big decisions anyway...get your sea legs back on first...
recently a friend told me...remember this awful feeling place is not a destination...but a place you are moving through..you will get to the other side of it...another guy -- winston churchill said..if you are in hell, keep going.
Focus on support people for you, eating good foods, distract yourself from the dark scarry places with a movie or a book...one minute at a time is how you get through it...
and know that there are MANY of us who are pulling for you
Yes, you do deserve to be happy. You really do. But, I can't tell you what to do about a divorce. I know it can get better, and in my experience, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. I also know that Al-Anon suggests that you not make any big decisions for 6 months after joining the program. It takes time to get some real serenity and I know I could never really make any sound decisions without serenity. Without serenity I was REacting, not acting. My insane emotional state made sound decisions impossible.
If you want to know the particulars of how to do a divorce, I would look in the yellow pages for a lawyer that did free consultations. It doesn't hurt to know what the process entails if you ever do decide to go that route. I try to be an informed decision maker nowadays.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
My sponsor told me when I was feeling like you're feeling that it was never necessary to make a decision so big when I was knee deep in the crisis mode. I kept saying "what do i do? what do i do?" and she said perhaps that my decision today should be simply to make no decision. Sounds silly but it helped me so much because it took all the pressure off the decision I HHAAADD to make that minute.. and instead I would say "today my decision is to make no decision" and I would carry on as rehprof said with walking or brewing coffee or what have you. Everyone's situation is significantly different but in my case I realized the feeling I had that a decision must be made was actually more for other people than myself. I felt people thought I needed to leave my husband and I did not want to let anyone down.. then I realized.. no one knew.. no one.. no one knew what they would do in my shoes.. just me. So my decision was to make no decision and with my HP's help I learned to let what other people thought be their business. I am currently still with my husband who is in AA but had I decided to leave.. it would have been my choice and if I would have made it those couple weeks that I was a basket case I would have regretted it... As for you, GreenerGrass, you are a supportive member on this site and I have appreciated your words many times.. so please, just know you're not all alone and you have people here reading your posts and rooting for you.. and yes, whatever decision you make some day.. or whatever road you are taken on with your HP.. you deserve happiness in this life.. absolutely you do.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Darn. I thought I posted something last night, but I think I shut the computer off before it posted. I'm sure it was profound :) In any case, yes, you deserve to be happy. Easy does it. I remind myself, this doesn't all have to be solved right away. . One day at a time. I have two little kids too (2 and 5), and that alone takes a lot out of me, making dealing with crisis reasonably very challenging. The meetings help tremendously. Some meetings have child care. Maybe that would be a possiblity in your area? I'm so glad you are here. This site really reminds me that we are not alone. I hope today is better. Do you have the newcomer's packet? I read the daily readings Courage to Change and One Day At a Time in Al Anon every morning along with the Just for Today bookmark that came in the newcomer's packet. These REALLY help me focus on how I am going to live through each day. Hope this helps, and I am sending you so much support.
Thank you everyone. I am feeling considerably better than last night. Thank you. I'm so glad I have this site, and the support from you all. I still feel my situation is dire, but I'm waiting this week to see what happens. I texted him that I don't think I can be married to him as is, that I can't accept irrational behavior, and that I may have to meet with a lawyer to discuss my options because unhappiness is not an option for me. I'm not making threats because this is all true. So far he has only apologized for the jerky behavior, not said anything about drugs and alcohol. Thanks for being here for me everyone.
When you are in spiral mode Don't React or say anything really. I seperated from my exAH for several months before I filed to be sure that I wasn't reacting or trying to control him. Do you have a sponsor you can turn to? I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Glad you are here. Get the book Getting the Sober its a really great resource for dealing with an active alcoholic addict. I can tell you that many many people here have navigated divorce its not easy but its possible. There are also many people who stayed with the alcoholic and their lives were not a travestry. Al anon isn't going to tell you to stay or go but it will give you tools to deal with either decision.
I just wanted to send you a quick note of support. It sounds like you are in a really difficult, painful situation and it's good that you are reaching out for support. You are not alone!
You've received such wonderful ESH already and I think some very wise words have been spoken. I hope you will take good care of yourself!
I am so sorry that you are in this painful space. You are not alone, as others have suggested.
Finding and attending face to face meetings in your community, posting here, living one day at a time focused on yourself will bring back HOPE to your heart.
We all deserve the feel safe and happy. Learning how to respond to the many difficulties that surface in an alcoholic relationship by developing new constructive tools are what I found helped when I was lost.
Keep coming here and posting Breaking the isolation is the first mostimportant step
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 29th of December 2011 08:39:14 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 29th of December 2011 08:39:55 AM
