The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I grew up with a father who had a drinking problem and now that my wife and I just had our first child we are very cautious when it comes to him being around the baby. We've explained to my mother multiple time that we don't want our child around my father if he's drinking. She's said she understands and supposedly had a "great" talk with him. But the first time we got together after the "great" talk he ordered a beer at lunch. Her excuse was that it was just habit and he didn't do it on purpose.
Now with the holidays she has been inviting us over and when we say we will come over if he doesn't drink she is always making excuses like he just wants to have a beer with dinner. Now she is trying to have a family dinner with aunts and cousins and has again invited us. When we expressed our concerns again she said that if we aren't coming over she will just cancel the family dinner. To us she seems to trying to make us feel guilty about requesting that he doesn't drink, and even said at one time that we should respect him and not try to control him. What should we do?
Best Regards,
Sean
What we did was have family dinners at our house and then if someone showed up drunk they were asked to leave, neither my husband or I smoke so we also asked them not to smoke in our home. The reality is it's our home, our rules. It created a LOT of tension and it's not for everyone. It was the 12 pack of beer at the 2 year old birthday party and then the 2 packs of cigarets that were smoked in one sitting .. ugh. I hated it. I called those situations the Jerry Springer Connections because without fail the cops were involved in the later years of drinking.
I think it's kind of hard to impose our rules at someone else's home. Maybe instead of going for dinner you could stop by before dinner starts OR go over after dinner and have desert. That way you don't have to stay long and there is no arguing that you didn't go over.
Your decision needs to be your decision regardless of whatever maternal guilt is going on. There is a saying around here .. he's going to drink or not, .. what are you going to do. Part of alanon is accepting that the person is sick and we are powerless over their addiction. It's not to say we have to go around it if we don't want to, it's one day out of many and this is not just going to go away.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks for the quick response and advice. We were able to set the house rules early on the first time he came over to see the baby and was carrying his six pack. And so far he has respected our house rule without argument. We just had a Christmas dinner with family at our house and it was great to see him interact with our baby sober. I guess my wife and I were hoping that the birth of his first grandchild would not only help him respect our house rules but also help him want to change for good. It's just frustrating to us when my mom tries to guilt us into coming over. Luckily I have a strong-willed wife which has helped me finally stand up to my parents.
Aloha Sean, Welcome to the board (you and your wife and child) and Merry Christmas!!
Alcoholism is a fatal, cunning, powerful and baffling disease. For me I had to admit I was powerless over it and those affected by it before I could move on to rebuilding my own life. I was born and raised within the disease and so alcohol was a normal part of my life before I was done...toast because of the insanity of it.
The key is changing "MY" life and so I set rules for "MY" life regardless of outside feelings and beliefs of family and others. Yes many of my choices today are about being alcohol free (people, places and things) and taking care for the consequences of my own choices.
You are aware honestly about some of the tools that others use to have it exist and you be in it...justifications, excuses, guilt and shaming...you are also aware that you can let these pass without even a knee jerk reaction to defend yourself.
Your Mom expresses that he has a "habit" and "habit" is another word for "addiction" of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. When his addiction kicks in he brings a different person to the family...very different and it really is okay for you and your wife, without regret or remorse or guilt, shame and resentment to say "no thanks" with unconditional love and acceptance of the others involved.
Get some literature on alcohol and alcohol-ism because awareness and understanding is very supportive of why you do and choose for yourself.
There is also the Al-Anon Family Groups where I sit face to face with others who have had their lives negatively affected by alcoholism and learn how to practice what I have mentioned above. You are not alone.
Your awareness and resolve is what I had to learn in the face to face groups. Keep coming back here for support and unconditional love.
My mother is an alcoholic. I have 2 children and one on the way. It's hard ... I'd like to be able to ask her to watch my older two when the third is born. Unfortunately, however, no amount of rationalizing to her about why a drunk person can't watch my kids makes a difference. She understands what I'm saying. That's not the problem. The problem is that she's sick and can't do the follow through. I've come to understand in my own recovery that talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is just setting myself up for disappointment. Sure, I can tell my mother that I'd like her to be sober when we come over for dinner. I have to understand though that she's sick. If she gets drunk before I get there, it isn't something she has done TO ME in spite of my expression that I'd rather not have dinner with someone that's intoxicated. She drinks because she's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. Since I don't have any power to stop her, all I can do is decide what I'm going to do for myself. That may be having dinners at my house instead, not serving alcohol, and asking drunk family members to leave. It could be deciding that if I show up for dinner at her house and she's drunk, I can choose to leave. That may be accepting that there's going to be a sick person at dinner and trying to have compassion for the person instead of feeling irritated.
In my recovery, I've come to understand that trying to either explain to an A why their behavior is unacceptable or to set rules to contain the behavior are things that don't work. I've tried a thousand varieties of these things and have never been successful. The only thing I can change is what I'm going to do.
Unfortunately, you are not powerful enough to stop your fathers drinking. It also puts your mother in a terrible position asking her to control your fathers dirinking because she is not that powerful either. Her attempt at guilt trips is not unexpected in light of the predicament she is in.
In a way she is right about respecting him and not trying to control him.
I have found that there are always other options if I talk it out with another Al-Anon member, get some serenity and meditate about it a bit. Not obsess, mind you, just ask my HP for guidance, then meditate for the answer. Somehow it always comes out right when I do that. I think the process lets my creative mind see more.
Thank you for sharing your problem. You are not alone.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Are you attending Al-anon meetings? When I found myself trying to control my A and of course not succeeding someone suggested the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, it was so helpful! I am sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi, I am the "grandma" and I know how your mom feels. She knows she has no control over your dad. She knows the begging she has done in private and the shame she feels when he can't be normal. She is not powerful enough to make him stop or even to slow down. He will do what he will do.
That said.....what are you going to do? I think you have some great tips given to you. Shorten your stay. Only go for dessert. Choose to leave early if you have to. Go in two cars so that your wife can leave with the baby and you can stay to visit with your mom. Have a plan B, and C, and D....
Let your mom know that you understand that she can't do anything about the drinking. Also, you can let her know that you can't be manipulated with guilt from her. It is not your fault or problem. It is not her fault or problem. It is the drinker's problem. It is all his fault. Let her know you know. Let her off the hook so that she won't have to try to get to you with guilt. But don't give in. The alcoholic has to have responsibility for his drinking. And he has to have consequenses for his actions/drinking. You are normal for not wanting your baby to be around it. And when you don't live in it, why would you invite it to your house or go to visit with it?
Take care of yourself. You are responsible for YOU!
