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level.
I posted on here yesterday that my husband was physically abusive and an alcoholic and addicted to drugs as well. We also have two children together.
It all came to a head and his blood alcohol was 4 times the legal limit and he locked himself in our office and took 30 Xanax's and laid down on the couch to die.
I broke a window to get an ambulance in to help him. He went to the hospital.
I went and got a restraining order and he refused to speak with me, even about the kids, he had his sister and niece call me or text me.
Within the past couple of months we have been speaking, but he tells me that he has no feelings for me and does not care about me at all.
The restraining order has been dropped since then, when I call him he says if I call him again, he will get a restraining order.
This hurts me, because I do still care about him and I still have feelings for him.
We were married for 8 years and had two children, I can't just turn that off so easily.
I really don't know what to do or how to respond or how to feel.
It is really hard when I have to talk to him or see him for the kids.
Many people I know speak to their exes mainly through their attorneys. I'm getting a sense that your miss your ex (which would be only natural) and you're wishing things could go back to the way they were before, with good communication (which of course anyone would wish for). Sadly, trying for good communication with an alcoholic who isn't in recovery is pretty much a thankless task. Al-Anon has a saying about it: "Going to the hardware store to buy bread." That's what it's like when we go to someone for something they can't give. What we want is just not there.
I've found that adjusting my expectations of my alcoholic has been the crucial thing. I want him to communicate reasonably, and he should communicate with me reasonably, but he's just not capable of it and so sadly it's unrealistic of me to expect it. Accepting them for who they are now is so hard, because we have real needs that genuinely need to be filled.
I hope you can keep on taking very good care of yourself. I'll be interested to see what others have to say.
I have heard that my husband is in recovery.
I have heard that he has not had a drink in 3 months, his family told me that, who he was living with. He is not living with them any more within the past week he moved out on his own.
It can take alcoholics a long time in recovery before they stop thinking like alcoholics. Typically early recovery is characterized by lots of moodiness, erratic behavior, and all kinds of weird things. They are getting used to living adult life sober and they have no experience at it. They have to be fixated on stopping drinking above all other things. Some people say early recovery is worse than the drinking. Of course it's a stage you have to go through to get to real recovery. But years of insane thinking have shaped his brain -- it takes a lot of time and effort for him to change that, and in early recovery he probably has hardly an idea of what that looks like.
I'm afraid there's another possibility. My husband went into recovery a number of times. It always took me a long time to realize that he was drinking again, because he was so secretive about it. I'd notice that his behavior was odd, but since I never saw him drinking, I couldn't put a finger on the real cause. Unfortunately it is possible that his family genuinely thinks he is not drinking, but that he is. Not to say that that is the case, just that that is a possibility.
Al-Anon encourages us to take care of ourselves and focus all the attention that we had focused on the drinker onto making our own lives better. I hope you can get to some meetings and soon find a sponsor. The miracles in store will be wonderful. I think many of us here have experienced them. Hugs to you.
Please find meetings for yourself you need support . trying to figure him out is a total waste of time he probably couldnt tell you why hes doing what he's doing. By saving his life you have let the secret out of the bag now his family know he has a problem and none of them is willing to come out of denial at the moment , especially him . Am sorry he is taking this out on his children and of course you as well but it is what alcoholics do they blame other people and are not willing to take responsibility for thier own behavior .. Until he says what he is doing is causing h im a problem IT ISN'T its causing you a problem and Al-Anon will help you come to terms with what is going on around you . Am thinking of you today . Louise
When my husband came home after a restraining order-he was sober but angry-said our 35 year marriage would be lucky if it lasted 6 months-spent a lot of time trying to ignore or push our buttons-3 months leater it is better, almost normal except no touching-the last vestige of his punishing me and trying to make it my fault. Yes-I know he could relaspe anytime-but while it was going on, I refused to play his games-I was civil but gave him space-more than he wanted I think, which has allowed him to come back one step, one day at a time. Hang in there, enjoy your space-focus on you and the kids.
I hope you are able to get yourself to some Al-anon face to face meetings and I would recommend the book "Codepependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Take care of yourself and your kids! I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Whatever he is going through it sounds like he's got a lot of work ahead of him. You have received some great ESH. I prefer to keep the focus on me and it helps me see where I need to clean up my own mess. Your spouse is in early recovery and truthfully NO ONE knows if he's drinking or not except him and HP. It sounds like a really great time for you to get into your own recovery. He's going to do what he's going to do, what are you going do with this time?
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am so sorry you are going through this. If you have a chance get the book Getting them Sober. That will put some of this behavior in context for you.
No one here has turned off their feelings for the alcoholic/addict overnight. There is good reason to believe al anon tools can and do help no matter what the situation. One of the tools is to reach out, ask for help and support. You do deserve that.
Personally I've been through the mill of restraining orders, talking, feeling over responsible, putting up with rages, taunts, threats and accusations galore. I found it extremely difficult to deal with. I also found a way through it with the help of people in al anon. I know this group has helped me a great deal through many many difficult times. I hope you will choose to stick around for a while and give the program a shot.
