How do keep calm? - Al-Anon Family Group

Bargee · Veteran Member

How do keep calm?

Tracey C · Senior Member

Hi Bargee,

I hope you have made it to the al-anon meeting. You will receive lots of love and encouragement there. We all go through that denial stage at some point. You are not alone there.

Best Wishes,

Tracey

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope that you made the decision to go to that alanon meeting. I understand that it's scary to go alone the first time however when the emotional pain is enough the fear takes a backseat to getting into the rooms of alanon.

You are not alone in being fearful of that first alanon meeting. You are not alone in dealing with the lasting effects of addiciton. If nothing else gets you through those doors think of your unborn child and take those steps. I probably went more for my kids (or maybe it was I gathered courage from knowing I needed to be of present mind for my kids) the first night and then after I got there I was sooo relieved. I just knew I had to be at those meetings and I kept coming back.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and the only thing we can truly change is ourselves.

Hugs P :)

tired of trying · Veteran Member

I hope you made it-I too have gone through the relaspe merry go round and had hopes dashed-the focus needs to be on you and the baby. He needs to hit a bottom where he is sick and tired of being sick and tired and the more we tried to prevent it-the longer it takes. Good luck and hugs!

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I find the most relief from pain and worrying when I engage in the program. I get on these boards and read every single post, just to know people all over can feel what I feel or have felt it, just to know poeple care.. and reading the uplifting posts of progress really help me. Also getting my nose in Al-Anon books has helped alot. I am so happy for you with the baby on the way and I truly believe you can be happy whether he is out drinking or not because you deserve to be happy and your baby deserves a happy Mommy. F2f Al-Anon meetings are so great because you can hear the voices, get encouragemnt and hugs, and its okay to go in there and sob.. my first three al-anon meetings all I did was cry. I felt odd at first crying in front of strangers, but no one made me feel odd and most said they did the same thing when they first came into the rooms. That made me feel comforted. It will get better for you if you keep working the program, Bargee. Sending love and positive energy your way.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Bargee - the number one most important thing I take away from al-anon is that I don't have to go through this alone. Him getting emotionally abusive then not remembering it next day can make you feel like you are insane - especially when he tries to hug or kiss you good morning and you pull away still hurt from the night before and he wonders what you are being such a mmmmmm, about? It sounds like your life, the life of your child, the life with him is all up in limbo and I HATED being in limbo - waiting to see if its going to get worse or better and I kept trying to do everything I could to hedge the bet for a good night rather than bad, knowing that a phone call, a difficult jar lid, a commercial he didn't like, anything could set him off - it was no longer a good life or bad, it was a good evening, good hour, good (or bad) moment - anxiety of waiting for the bad moments and the evening ending with a deep sigh of relief because he's finally gone to bed. I can empathize with how insane it makes you feel.

amills4294 · Senior Member

My thoughts and heart go out to you. Having a baby is an emotional experience in and of itself, but dealing with other hurts and anxieties too makes it feel even that much more challenging. I don't have a specific experience to offer to you regarding the alcoholic husband. My spouse is not an alcoholic but he exhibits a lot of the addictive behaviors. He can be very irritable, nasty and then later just so nice and sweet and doesn't understand why I'm upset. It's like a crazy coaster. First and foremost I hope you find the support you need through this board and through face to face meetings. You are NOT alone. I too am a mother (but with an 11 yr old daughter). Please keep coming back. Keep the focus on you and your baby, if you can.

I will be thinking of you.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi sweetie, this is a momentous occasion in your life, the beauty of it is not to be missed.

My suggestion is to "take care of yourself WHATEVER that looks like." BE at peace. Choose the "calm" that you desire. Believe that it is safe.

I remember when I had my first child (27 years ago) and I was going through the same thing with my husband. I didn't think I had any choices at that time. I had my baby.... it was a very long labor and a complicated birth. An hour after the baby was born, my husband left the hospital to go "celebrate" with friends. My family was 600 miles away, and I was so alone.

Today, I'm sad for him, he's missed out on so much Love and Life. I did too. I didn't know any better, my fear consumed me.

It's not like that anymore, but I could NEVER have changed without a living, breathing fellowship giving me the courage and showing me how. Life is beautiful. Very beautiful. I just didn't know.

Please put your hands on your heart (across the sternum) and send beautiful, bright, perfect universal Love and Light.... for as long as it feels good.

And then do the same to your baby belly ((dear one))

All shall be well. Please keep us updated.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

There is a chat room here that you can go to at any time. There are also meetings twice a day every day and Christmas is generally a good meeting.

Do you have the book Getting them Sober. I think it is a great resource for someone dealing with a spouse who is skirting sobriety. I have heard it said to me by someone in the program that a relapse is very different from keeping on drinking because the person has a memory of being sober and its harder for them to reconcile that it isn't possible.

Glad you are here.

Maresie.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

The good news is if you happened to miss the meeting there are always more Al-anon face to face meetings available. Your question about how to remail calm in the midst of my head spiraling and my A being an active A, is to make it to meetings, talk with my sponsor and read Al-anon literature to help me deal with what is going on and to learn better tools to handle taking care of myself. I used to be paralyzed with fear and cry and complain and yell and just be miserable and I couldn't hold a thought in my head that didn't have to deal with my current situation. Now I have learned to bring myself back to serenity and pretty quickly too. I am glad you found MIP and keep coming back! Sending you and your lil one you are carrying love and support!

Bargee · Veteran Member

Thank you all so much for your posts.
Unfortunately I didn't make it to the meeting but in hindsight I really wish I had gone.
My H had just had a promotion at work and it is our tradition that we celebrate these things by going out to tea. What a huge mistake that was. He began drinking before we went out and got emotionally abusive straight away almost.
Things like how my I'm rude to my parents, how I moan constantly, I'm too serious, my jokes are pathetic etc etc. He eventually calmed down before we left and I thought/hoped that was the end of it. However once we were at the resturant it all started again and once again it was "all my fault". I said to him that I wished I didn't have to go back to work once the baby was 3 months old and that I would have loved to be able to take it to music groups etc. I have to go back to work becuase of our finanical situation, although it won't be too bad really because I am an early childhood teacher and the baby will be with me, but still....
Anyway H raised his voiice (not yelling, but it certainly felt like it was) and ripped into me for being selfish and that I should be imagining how he feels because he's hardly going to see the baby etc etc. I hadn't meant it to be a 'moan' it was just me trying to tell him how I felt and what I was thinking and trying to make conversation.
It was a horrible horrible night

On a positive note though although H drunk on Christmas day he stayed sober and nice. So although I was a bit uptight on Christmas day it was no where near as bad as it could have been.

I am going away for a few days so won't be on here for a while (H is taking beers and I'm feeling really nervous about that, as we will be with a couple of BIG drinkers and this has me panicing). My Mum will be there too though so at least I'll have her there and she knows what goes on.

Once again thank you so much.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.