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Well I have been to the psychologist for my 5th appointment.
As I said last time, we have worked through emotions, what they are, how they present, identifying primary and secondary emotions. Now we are taking it one step further. Emotion exposure. Identifying the barriers and coping mechanisms that are emotions and what blocks them.
Just before my appointment the other day, I made the mistake of phoning my brother whom I have had very little to do with over the years. He is 18 years older than I am and we have never lived in the same city. He is a big union dude and I needed to know some uniony type information. To cut a long story short... we ended up yelling and using the 'f' word to each other etc. He is an alcoholic and is in denial. We did not argue about any of the family stuff, he just treats me like I am an idiot and spoke wrongly to me in my opinion. I responded the only way I know how... I got angry.... due to this emotional work I have been doing, I took the time afterward to listen to what I was feeling really.
I identified hurt. I was in the car on the way to my appointment and I just started crying..... so strange.. that seems to be happening alot lately. I am feeling hurt, but I first identify it as anger. I feel like some of the anger is melting. Anyway, it gave a good ground for my session.
We did a facilitated 'feeling' exposure. My counsellor talks me through how to do a feeling. How to feel it and be safe in a meditation type of way. Picture the wave of the emotion, what does it feel like in my body, all the while doing a deep breathing exercise. allow the feeling to then change if it wants to. Understanding that it is just a feeling and it will go away (this too shall pass). I just kept crying.. so weird.. .I wasn't sad at all.
My psych seems really happy that I am crying.. they are a strange mob them ones.
She recorded the 'meditation' on my phone. I have since identified resentment as a strong theme in my emotions. I now have to do an emotional log. The date, the event, the emotion, then the coping or blocking response. The next exercise is 'opposite reaction'.
I am finding that hurt is quicker to deal with than anger. I think I may have had anger as a great 'distancer'. No one wants to empathise with an angry person and I sure as hell don't want peoples sympathy (yet). I am even uncomforable with empathy.
Anger is easier to deal with in so much as I can be angry and keep on working, I can justify the anger and its more acceptable. Hurt seems somehow to be more.. ??unacceptable? for some reason. To me, Feeling hurt means being soft if you get what I mean. Angry is able to get up, brush off and keep on going and get done what has to be done. Hurt seems to stop me dead in my tracks. Well.. heres to the next step then.
Great work Linda!! I know for me hurt leaves me feeling raw and vunerable where anger I can put a shell around me and withdraw. So I find it easier to protect myself with anger. Hurt opens up a whole lot of tears and that is really great progress. Feeling the hurt and being in a safe place is where the healing can take root.
Family is fun fun fun at times. It gets better.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Really Hurt underlies almost all experiences of anger. It is more central and if you can learn to deal with the hurt, futile angry behaviors will lessen. Nonetheless, you still need to be assertive at times - but that doesn't have to mean angry.
In my own ESH I have found doing a gratitude list daily and sharing it with others so essential. Of course I had a long long list of resentments in the past and I certainly shared those on the hour. Doing the gratitude list helps me to get perspective on the resentments. I have always gone to the butchers to buy bread with people. I am so clear now on who and how can meet my needs. Of course getting my needs met is a whole other issue.
Resentment is such a big trigger for anger for me. I can choose when I have a resentment now rather than just wallow in it.
