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I have this question that has been circling in my brain since Thursday night. I stated on Thanksgiving day to my AH that if he was upset with me he could discuss it with me when he was sober otherwise I would not stay and tolerate unacceptable behavior (although with him I don't think unacceptable behavior was the exact turn of phrase that I used).
This past Thursday night I went to a ladies night at our church that started with a dessert reception and went a little longer then normal due to a special presentation for all the single moms attending. So when I got home he accused me of cheating on him. He was in such a black mood that I listened to him, put the dog in his crate and walked out the front door stating I would be back in the morning.
He chased me out the door in his socks and stood so that I could not leave in my car. Then he would not let me shut the car door. He basically would not let me leave. He told me if I needed to leave so bad I could call the police. I had no desire to call the police I was not in physical danger, and I knew this. He made the statement if I leave things will never be the same and he doesn't have to wait until he's sober to talk to me because we could talk about it then which I knew was not the case. He finally calmed down and I did sit on the porch for a moment then I went inside and went to bed.
The following day I emailed him exactly the time frame of the night before. The weekend was strained and I wrote about the encouragement I received on Saturday night. Which was a true blessing and Sunday was actually a very good day. Yet I still had residual feelings of anger.
Monday I told my AH that as much as he declares his love for me I've more often then not been treated in a manner that is not loved but rather attempts to control. Control where I go, when I check my email, and who I text on my phone. The next time I wish to leave, he needs to consider it a time out from him, from ridiculous accusations and removing myself from a situation that is intolerable to me. I'm not leaving I'm giving myself the space that I need. I should be free to come and go whenever I want just as he is.
When trying to remove myself from a situation and I'm being blocked, what are ideas on how to handle this?
This is a horribly monstrous disease. The way I see it is that he is goading you - into submission or an argument. It's my experience that this kind of manipulation only escalates. Physically blocking someone from leaving or entering is considered physical abuse, just as more "overtly" hitting, etc.
The only way I have been able to handle this is to define my boundary and have a safety plan and backups that keep me safe. Run through some safety plans with friends, family, alanon members, the women's shelter, and the police. Be aware of positioning and don't place yourself in a situation that you cannot leave or call for help- I know this can be challenging.
I understand the fear, discomfort, and reluctance to call 911, but he's either betting on your not doing that or has that great a need to self-destruct.
In similar circumstances, my exHA later said to me in an oddly detached way, "I didn't think you would do it."
"but he's either betting on your not doing that or has that great a need to self-destruct."
He has that great a need to self destruct. That night I needed to go to bed more then I needed to be up for hours dealing with a police report. If I thought for a moment he was going to hurt me I would have called the police.
I will make it a point to communicate that the next time I'm blocked from leaving I will call the police.
Hi Jackie, I have not been in that situation before, but i can imagine that being physically blocked from making my own choice for my own body would feel very violating. I can only send you support and the courage to change the things you can. hugs!
(((Jackie))) When my a was blocking the bedroom door and wouldn't let me leave, I closed the door and went out the window. The time I was in the pickup truck trying to leave and he wouldn't close the door, I started the truck and began (slowly) driving away. He soon let go of the door. Another time I called a friend on my phone (which I keep in my pocket all the time except when I'm sleeping-then it's right next to the bed) and told her what was happening. While talking to her I again tried to go out the door which he had previously been blocking. This time he let me go. He knew someone was on the other end of the phone and I guess he didn't want anyone else to hear him bullying me. I agree with Bud that having a backup plan is important. And don't hesitate to cal 911 if you need to. I always had my backpack ready to go on a moment's notice-packed with wallet ID and money) water bottle, flashlight, extra set of keys, paperback book, and a change of clothes. I only had to use it once when I left to escape his harassing me. I spent the night at a friend's house. He moved into another room some months ago and fortunately this bullying/blocking hasn't happened since. But I still keep my backpack ready. Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
Both sets of parents, his sister and one of my close girlfriends all have said I'm welcome at any time. I was planning to go to his sisters but he does not know any of this.
I had my purse and the dog, I knew I could come back in the morning to get ready for work.
Y'all are giving me wonderful information and this is how I'm taking care of me! I had no idea this summer what to do and then I've started learning. Already the length of time of these episodes have shortened, SO MUCH!!! These type of episodes used to last for hours once I started reading and learning I started implementing what I learned. Thursday night (despite the not being able to leave) was diffused in less then 40 minutes.
Now I have more ideas and ways to process in order to take care of me! Thank you so much!!!
Jackie, I only know you on these forums but can I just say you are amazing. I am so proud of you. You have learned so much and believe it or not have been an inspiration to me and have taught me so much. I have never been in this exact situation because my AH is more like.. "I don't want you to leave but I understand why you would want to." He's pretty rational because his drug of choice is different.. well when he's drunk he's irrational but I had not seen him drunk in years because he moved onto a new drug.. but anyway. thats irrelevent. I think every time you deal with these stressors you learn what to do for next time. The encouragement you hear here is beneficial but everything you do (meeting, literature, working your steps) you are working your program and your HP is right there with you. Amazing progress on your part. Thank you for posting your journey. Youre a miracle in progress for sure.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Speaking of reading and learning my copies of The Dilemna of an Alcoholic Marriage and Marriage on the Rocks just arrived. Just quickly paging thru the Dilemna of an Alcoholic Marriage I think I'm going to learn a lot from it!
The information from Pineapple is the type of information you would receive Jackie if you rang a domestic violence crisis line in your state, I suggest you might consider making a call and asking them for ideas too. Usually they are very responsive....generally asking first the question about if you are safe at this moment.
This searching for knowledge and ideas is a very positive way of shoring up your self-esteem, which you will need.
For me, when my AH tried to block me from leaving (which had been my escape from his alcholic rages) was a tipping point-I remember looking at him-thinking, how can I get out, I know I can run faster but he is stronger-so I caught him off guard, pushed him down (the look of shock was almost funny). I left, went for a run and then to the police station. Long story, short, he was removed and not allowed contact for over two weeks-when he came home he was angry but sober-now 2 months later he is still sober-going to meetings and seeking psych help for PTSD-we are not back where we were but the anger has subsided and we are talking-btw the court extended the EPO with contact for 1 year-so no family abuse or weapions during that time.
