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I've always gotten along with my husband's family. However, since I left, I feel like I get jabs by their statuses through Facebook all the time. I've gotten to where I don't even go on FB anymore because I can't take any more stress than I'm already under. I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised. It is his family and they'll stick by him no matter what he has done or attempted to do while drunk. I'm supposed to subject myself to his mean behavior when he's drunk just to show I'm supportive and there for him? I don't get that. I'm supposed to put my kids in danger because he's just drunk and he doesn't know what he's doing at the time? I would think if it were one of my kids that I would eventually have to show tough love and make sure my grandchildren were safe if he had put his wife in positions where she didn't feel safe. But I guess I'm wrong. Just hard because right now everyone should be together on this one. I just know without a doubt in my soul that if we at least stayed in town, he still wouldn't be getting the help he needs. Plain and simple. I know I need to stop worrying about what his family thinks. But it's hard when you've gotten along with the family so long just to turn on you for "hurting him" when it's clear we all need to stick together and get him help!
Dear Mama, You are the one being rational here and you absolutely need to protect yourself and your kids from him. While it would be good to have his family's support, what they think really doesn't matter now. If they want to be in denial or continue enabling him, that is their unfortunate choice, but you need to look out for yourself and children. Nobody deserves to be abused like this and the price of protecting yourself is losing their support, so be it - your and your kids safety and serenity comes before anything else. Even though they don't understand, we do so please coming back and sharing. Wishing you lots of support!
On one hand I'm fortunate in that my husband's family is aware that he is the way he is. On the other hand, his mom is an adult child of an alcoholic. I have their love and support and I certainly appreciate it. I also don't give information any longer. I have my wonderful F2F meetings and this amazing board and I learn and grow through reading and participating. I have realized that as much as his mom loves him, and me, she also tries to control. She kept telling him that all she wanted for Christmas was for him to stop drinking. She wants me to not leave him alone so much so he won't drink as much. He's going to drink the same amount whether I'm there or not, but she doesn't understand that.
Not long ago in Courage to Change I read something about letting go of what other people think of me. It's hard when you've always been a people pleaser, or when you have always had a really good relationship to suddenly not have that anymore. Denial is powerful, and it sounds as though they are firmly entrenched in theirs.
What matters is that you and your precious littles are safe. You are here and learning and hopefully finding a wonderful face to face group. You are taking care of you and your babies who can't take care of themselves!
One of my most favorite quotes that I heard the first time on this site and I forgot who posted it, I think Tom....
"What other people think of me is none of my business." When I first heard this it was foreign... also when I heard "No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them." That was foreign too. My whole world was everyone else; my happiness depended on everything around me... now I think of everything out of my control like I think of the weather. A reading in one of the daily readers actually said.. something like "I can no more control other people than I can control whether it will rain outside today." I am smiling as a type right now because I have found so much serenity and peace with these "no-brainer" quotes that, to me, were epiphanies. I mean they were ground breaking for me!! I did not realize you could live your life and let go and these things I tried so hard to control.. they drove me insane... and I didnt realize that I can decide my happiness and I did not realize it was even a possible that I could let go and let God. Things usually work out better for me when I do let go and let God.. its incredible. They say this is a simple program for complicated people and that is me.. i always complicated things. haha
Sorry for my rant.. if you get nothing from it, get this.. you are doing the right thing for you and your children... and what other people think of you.. that's their business. :) You can still get on FB as much as you want, God bless America!!
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Tuesday 20th of December 2011 11:29:37 AM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
It's the quotes and sayings they put on FB that I can tell are directed at me. The "best" one I've seen so far was his mom putting on FB for me and all to see is a link she sent to his profile on how to deal with the silent treatment from your partner. So, now EVERYONE knows something is up because it needs to be EVERYBODY'S business!!! Not only that, I stop talking to him when I know for a fact he's lied to me over and over about his drinking and/or calling me drunk and verbally abusing me. I don't need to take it and therefore I do not want to talk to him. But I guess his mother views it as cruel on my part because he's so sad his family is gone and drinks to take away the pain.
Ahh... .well, if it were me, I would simply delete and block my ex, and/or all his family from my Facebook, so I wouldn't get updates that would upset me...
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have my exAH's friends still on my friends on fb, but I unsubscribed to their posts and don't see them and don't go looking for them, which has helped me to stay on my side of the street. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm thinking about hiding their posts as well. I've also decided to stay away from FB altogether as much as possible. I've got far more things to do, take care of, then spend time on FB. The only reason I've been on lately is to let people know how my son's first eye surgery went. His second is this week. I'm trying to decide whether to post updates like I did last time or just whether to stay off entirely for right now.
I'm thinking about hiding their posts as well. I've also decided to stay away from FB altogether as much as possible. I've got far more things to do, take care of, then spend time on FB. The only reason I've been on lately is to let people know how my son's first eye surgery went. His second is this week. I'm trying to decide whether to post updates like I did last time or just whether to stay off entirely for right now.
Perhaps you could have a text chain set up for those who want to be kept posted? Perhaps you have a friend who could put the posts up for you? You know how when you tag someone on a post it posts on their wall and feeds out to all their friends.
