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MY BF is on probation from the last DUI that he got back in April. He has to go see his PO every 3 months and get drug tested. If they find any alcohol or drugs in his system he goes to jail for 90 to 120 days. He has to go this thrusday. he has been drinking every night for the past 3 weeks and last night was snorting pain pills. I know because i found the evidence of it in his pocket. Should I remind him of his PO visit so that he can sober up or just let him do want he wants? Part of me wishes that he will fail the test just so he will get 90 days of being sober and maybe have a light turn on in his head. sounds bad but its true.
I would let him sink his own ship. Not because it will get him sober, because even 90 days in jail is likely not going to be his bottom. It's because he's a grown adult with consequences of his own and you have your own life to lead without trying to save him or protect him from consequences he deserves to have.
I agree with Pinkchip. He's an adult and is capable of making his own choices, even if they are bad ones. He must (at least at some point) have been aware of his probation visits, yet that didn't deter him. Sometimes you have to just let the crises happen. Shielding him from this would at most be putting a band-aid on the situation. Only he can ultimately recover from, if he so decides. Wishing you support, nyc
You have to let him do this on his own and learn a lesson. I've thought the same things. When I called the cops on my AH for a wellness check after I had left and heard he passed out in the driveway of our house, they found pot and arrested him. He then kicked a female officer and was put in jail. His family told me they would leave it up to me to bail him out and I was at the point of, he needs to stay there, sober up, and think about his actions. Maybe then he would finally get the help he needed. Well, that lasted two days and his family got him out instead. They couldn't stand to see him in jail over Thanksgiving. I'm the heartless one but ever since he's remained drunk and hasn't sought any help. He's going further and further downhill because his family coodles him.
Tough situation to be in for sure. If there is a letter about it I think I would just hand it to him and say this is yours. If he choses to not read it or ignore it... you were kind enough to throw him the bone. If there is no written letter involved.. perhaps just saying in passing would be appropriate but if you chose to say nothing than really only he is to blame.. you are not his mother and even if you were.. he is not a child. responsibility should fall in his lap and no one else's and if he tries to blame you just remember its all part of his addiction and the denial. Hang in there, you're strong.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
You already received great ESH and I just want to add a new slogan I heard in a meeting awhile back, I think it applies here. Try not to: S-save M-mother O-obsess O-own T-take abuse H-HP (be his or let him be your tin God) E-expect R-react Sending you love and support on your journey.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Natural consequences is the best teacher. As hard as it is to watch someone go down, it's no different than trying to save a drowning person, how effective if I jump in and they are still panicking they will take me down as well. They have to want to get better.
I love the ESH you have gotten I also love SMOOTHER!! That is one I go to when I feel the need to control.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
No !! He is a big boy and responsible for the choices he is making . I am sure he thinks he can beat the tests , ( disease tell them thier a little smarter than the average guy ) .
well I left this morning with out waking him to tell him bye, I love you , and all that. I got home from work and he was sitting there and just said "I love you". I responded "I love to" and noticed that he had all his meds sitting together on the desk. They are old back from October from when he hit a deer. I asked him why they were out. He said "just looking to see what I had". I said "Why? are you worried because you snorted some pills last night?" He said "u know?" He was going to take the bottles with him to the PO that way he could say that he had a script but they are old and not for the same thing. so I told him I dont think it would work and he just calmly left it alone. So I guess that he knows what he done so I'm just going to leave it alone. I got the book Getting them sober on my Kindle so that I can read it with out him seeing what I'm reading. So far it seems pretty good.
A couple of times recently we have been to family events and he has drank and twice gotten what all call drunk and he calls buzzed. But when we got in the car to go home he would ask if i was mad. I would just say "no, I'm not mad. There is no point in me getting mad about something that I knew was going to happen when I agreed to go" He also said that had done a good job and not drank much. But then i would just say..."well...not really you had 12 beers, I mixed drink, 3 jello shooters, 2 cherries and then he would just be like ooo yeah but thats good. how should i respond to this? If they weren't family gatherings i just wouldn't go.
It takes a lot of time and effort to inventory what the alcoholic/addict drinks and uses and how much and how often. It's a full time job one that I had to give my life up for. I had to get my life back for me and my then sponsor taught me to stop being the "pillow" that softened the blow between my alcoholic/addict and the ground. Painful thought and picture and then I learned and don't do it anymore for anyone and any reason. Consequences are great teachers and I should not interfere in the lessons. Remember the 3Cs. ((((hugs))))
The meeting topic last night was detachment and I had forgotten all of the wonderful reads in all of the books. If you have any alanon lit Courage to Change, Hope For Today, or the One Day At A Time books they are wonderful for these kinds of moments.
Part of not engaging is not asking the book Getting Them Sober is about living with an active addict and what works and what doesn't. Confronting an alcoholic about his drinking isn't going to work. Learning to leave them with the consequences of their actions speaks far louder than words. There are often times I am finding where I would have jumped in and said something probably not nice about the current situation, people figure out pretty quickly on their own what is or isn't working.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
he just came home with a six pack of 16oz beer. one is already gone. i haven't said a word about it. I guess i will just sit back and watch what happens.
Hoofinit, I like the idea of sitting back. I have decided lately, instead of sitting back and watch what happens.... I sit back and read a book, or sit in my spa, or go talk to my cats, or phone a friend. I am learning that watching what happens keeps me in his moment, not my moment. It was so very hard to do. Its still not easy. To do that and still show him that I love him.
I used to check his pot drawer every day just so I could see what he has been up to.. just so I would know what to expect etc. In the past three weeks I think I have looked in it twice, so I am getting better, not perfect, but so much better.
You are doing well Do not engage. Read your book, do exercise, watch a movie-- take care of you. You are not his Mom or PO and you are responsible for only you.
Remember the Serenity Prayer and Let go of anger and Let God
I think i just cracked. I haven't said anything about the drinking but he asked me to sign my name on a paper for one day a week for the past 3 months. I told him i didn't feel like lying so he told me make up names. Then he said fine you want to see me in jail. I responded with "its not my fault if you end up in jail" he got mad and put on one boot and said that it wasn't funny. I wasn't laughing! so i signed some names because my parents are here and I don't want a fight. now he is happy again and finishing his beer.
just thought i would give an update. He went to his PO and alcohol showed up on his test but his PO said he wasn't going to report it. He said that he doesn't expect him to stop drinking!! So now i guess he has something to brag about. I asked him why he was drinking anyway when he new he had a test the next morning. He said that he felt like it and thought that it would flush his system out.......Yeah....he thinks he is brilliant.
