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When my AH was in rehab I had all the time in the world to work on myself. Now that he is out I find myself focusing on him far too often. It's a slippery slope I'm traveling down. I suppose I need to get reading some Al-Anon literature asap. I have to work late tonight so I can't go to a meeting. The more time I spend with him the more I start relying on his sobreity for happiness. I need to stop it right now. I know I will be alright no matter what happens and worrying is useless. Worrying won't prevent it. I can read him like a book now. He used to be able to fool me completely but now I can completely tell when he is into the program and when he is headed toward relapse. The problem is no matter which way he's headed I need to keep my head on straight. Writing it out on here does help, believe it or not. The holidays are hard because we're surrounded with people and together alot, time is lacking for meetings, meeting with sponsor etc.. on her part too. she has a family and its the week before christmas!! Crazy to say this.. but I want christmas time to come and go. I struggle at work because I think about what my AH is doing now and I got so good at not thinking about it. Will thinking about it prevent it? Can my thoughts stop him from getting high if he chooses to? NO! I know better than to sulk in self pity or wallow in worry... so why am I doing it? I guess this is when I turn to my HP. I can't help these feelings so I need to let them Go and give them to God. If I can say "okay, I feel this way" instead of trying to will it away I should rather pray for his will and strength to get me through it, this too shall pass right? I don't want to be waiting for the other shoe to drop again like I used to. I should take the beautiful time we shared together as a gift and stop expecting what I want. Any ESH on these matters will help me right now.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Hi Michelle - you're doing it because that's what comes naturally - just because worrying doesn't change a situation doesn't mean we don't do it! This is particularly the case when it comes to worrying about a loved one's sobriety. I did this constantly when my AH was actively drinking, and I still worry about "what if" he does it again. The important thing is that you realize it and deal with it, which you are doing. I know what a struggle it is and every day I have to resist the urge to worry multiple times.
There's a great saying in C2C quoting a Chinese proverb - "That the birds of worry fly about your head you cannot help. That they make nests in your hair, this you can prevent." This helps me since it adds a tad of humor to the situation.
As someone who spends far too much time worrying - I am sending you esh - you're doing well and it will get easier with time and practice.
I understand too. Even when my AH came out of rehab, he stayed sober for 3 months. But during those 3 months, I worried everyday and just when I started to feel comfortable in the fact that he was doing good and would stay sober, he relapsed the first time on Halloween. My daughter was so disappointed that daddy wasn't going trick-or-treating with us and wanted me to wake him, which would have been a big mistake. When he relapsed the second time and put me in some more dangerous situations, I knew I had to leave and try as best as I could to realize he has to help himself and there is nothing I could do. But I do still worry. We are 1000 miles a part but I still wonder what he's doing everyday, even though I know, and of course he lies to me. But I can tell by the way he talks to me. I still care about him and want him to get help but worrying on my end won't change anything.
Keeping the focus on ourselves can be exceptionally challenging around an active A. Some days just go easier than others and it's progress, not perfection. Be easy on you and keep those that understand close by to be with you during this time. Remember the 3 Cs- you didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it.... time to reach deep into the Alanon toolkit (void of pity pots and void of anything that would allow us to beat ourselves up) to remain constructive.
Your AH has choices and his HP that is looking out for him. I know this can often be painful to watch, and, so easy to get stuck continually thinking about it.
When fear grips at me, my Alanon friends ask me what the fear is and if there is something I can do for myself that will help remove the fear (if it's finances, find a better job, etc.) There is usually something that I can do for myself, oftentimes something that is outside my comfort zone. I know this is much easier said than done, but you are so correct that this too shall pass.
I certainly can relate to your share today. I also catch myself doing this from time to time. But at least we are AWARE of doing it. Pat ourselves on the back.
Neuroscientist have found that habitual neural pathways are formed in our brains. If we aren't aware, they kick in automatically. So it's common to find old thinking patterns active. It took time for us to develop the old pathways; it will take time (practice) to develop new, healthy pathways.
So you catch yourself wondering if the shoe will drop, recognize it and then remind yourself of something that is healthy for you.
All I can say is with lots of practice, I'm coming along very well. I usually automatically recognize when I'm going down the wrong path and now can easily place myself on the new one.
Reciting the "Serenity Prayer" helps, along with slogans, reading literature, and journal writing.
Keep in mind: Progress not Perfection
You're doing well. You're going forward.
take good care, Gail
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Monday 19th of December 2011 11:27:33 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I think this is all so understandable. Progress not perfection...Please be gentle on yourself and try to recognize the progress you are making in changing your thinking and attitudes. This is going to take time and practice and patience. I put a ton of pressure on myself to get better NOW. Easy does it, I remind myself. Just keep trying the best I can and trust that my HP will take care of me while I try to put into practice what I am learning and realizing. Part of my recovery is letting myself not do this perfectly. That is a gift I am trying to give myself, and I hope you can give yourself that gift too. Sending you support and understanding! hugs
When I realize my repetitive thoughts are no longer in my best interest, I have to determine if I am willing to no longer have them. This is the tough part for me, because I probably take a perverse comfort in visiting a familiar "fuss", even though it doesn't leave me serene or happy.
Once I am willing not to have the familiar rut, I pray to God to remove it for me. I clearly can't do this on my own.
Then I visualize having it gone, such as a burden tied up in a cloth floating away on a wave or birds carrying away my fuss in their beaks, etc. Something I can use to send it away.
In a day or two, I will notice I haven't had my familiar fuss for a while. The next time I think of the situation that had caused me such angst, I am more detached and sane.
Knowing the uselessness of worrying about your situation is your progress. You can't hold both the habit of worrying and the specific understanding of its cost simultaneously for long. One of them has to give!
Aloha Michelle...Thanks much for the post and reminder of where you are at and where I also was at while wearing your shoes. I am grateful for the ESH you got in response because they remind me of my journey and all the Al-Anon fellowship that walked and stood with me as I listened, learned and practiced...I'm still doing that of course.
Only one of the things that helped me in this situation of relapsing back into old feelings, thoughts and behaviors was using one of my natural characteristics...I am metaphoric...meaning that I "see the picture" better than I hear it and when my alcoholic/addict wife was attempting sobriety and I was attempting change myself and gravitating toward interference with her life, I "saw the picture" that I am afraid of getting electrical shock...that terrorizes me because I've been shocked several times in my life...I don't like the sound of it, feeling of it, smell of it anything of it and so when I leaned toward interference with my wife's responsibilities the shock of how it would hurt me, stopped me.
Try visualizing over again how interfering has hurt you and do something else that won't...((((hugs))))
You have received such awesome responses!!! It does take time. I think when really big things happen when the dust settles that's when the application of what we're learning is there, we just have to remember it does take time. Big exciting things make it easy to remember, it's the everyday that is a little more difficult
Sobriety is his gift , yours is to continue to find the real you ,the person you were meant to be . Enjoy dont miss the good days worrying about things you have no control over , if he chooses to drink again you dont have to go down with him . Enjoy the holidays and regardless of what he does your going to be okay . Louise
i don't think its crazy to want Christmas to come and go. Join the club. For some of us its honest to say we have a lot of issues.
Christmas is a notoriously hard time for Alcoholics. There are many marathon meetings from Christmas Eve through to the day after Christmas (Boxing day in the UK). There is really no excuse for not getting to a meeting but its so hard!
I understand all the feelings that come up around the holidays. I had so many illusions about the holidays with the ex A. I think it was one of the hardest times in our relationship I was only conscious of what we did not have.
This year I'm playing it very very low key. Remember the chat room is here and there are meetings here every day.
I am trying to fifure it out. I will try to figure it out on my computer at home tonight or tomorrow night. I am going to a f2f meeting thursday night for certain. i never miss it. Thank you everyone... the encouragement is so so so appreciated. I know I always say that but I am astounded by how many people out there care about total strangers.. but I get it.. b/c I care too.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Michelle....thoughts about him and worries are going to come to you. That is only natural. You now have a pretty solid program to know what are helpful versus unhelpful thoughts. So...you can let the negative ones float out of your head as quickly as they came in. Your actions have power beyond your thoughts and feelings so what you are DOING is what really counts.
I find it hard to break old cycles when I get back around my exAH after 15 years of obsessing and stinking thinking, I have learned I have to give myself time to use my tools and get into better cycles. It is about progress not perfection. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
