Communication .. LOL!! - Al-Anon Family Group

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Communication .. LOL!!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

you know, more often as I get older, I find myself acting as interpreter for people. it helped that I worked as a caregiver and got good at relaying what she was trying to say but some of that is having to listen and see where the communication problem lies. I find myself doing the same in other areas, two people talking but its clear by just sitting back listening that they are talking two different things. Don't know, but for me, I try (don't always do) to restate what I think the plans are so that there isn't any dispute later - if you find yourself in the same situation over and over, maybe try what i do - stating, with humor, "ok, just so I'm straight on the plan.... " puts it on my shoulders, like I need to understand what's been planned. (when it may be them that isn't understanding the plan but its a kinder way to put it) - with practice it gets easier to use because it really does smooth out potential misunderstandings. I tend to read fast and apologize later - just this weekend someone emailed me with a two part purpose, i read and answered one part and COMPLETELY missed the important reason for the email. I apologized later and laughed, telling him that's how i tend to be and gave him permission to point it out next time and not feel bad about having to do so - recogition of a problem is half the battle, isn't it? recognizing, then figuring out a way to mitigate the fall out.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a VERY IMPORTANT POST ((((Pushka)))). I've had that problem myself and fortunately also learned in program to ask for verification not only of what I said and what they understand I said. I have no fear now of asking did you understand or how did you understand what I said if their body language gives me hints that there might be further need. My wife and I have this communication problem and it is on going so we need to work at it from time to time it's never gonna be perfect.

Also I am hearing impaired and I have to listen and read lips at the same time. Often times others forget or just don't get that I am hearing impaired at all..."Hey what are those nastry tubes hooked up to from your ears?"... Often times I get talked to as if I'm always listening to or ready to listen to the words they want to say without pre-alert. NOT EVEN!! Soooo communication is an issue...don't even think its temporary. When things gets tense or chaotic the communications get worse.

I always listen to lessons on communications...thanks....and you are right on with your observations. Ask for feedback from who you are talking to.

((((hugs)))) smile

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Pushka)))

You're not alone in the need to explain, clarify, be understood. So much exposure to an insane situation has made me think I'm speaking a different language from everyone else. I have found that the best way to communicate is to "be brief and be gone". This shifts unhealthy dynamics and expectations to more healthy territory on so many levels. Too many words, attempts at persuasion and clarification can confuse our intensions and messages.

Interestingly, I have found that some people have encouraged me to over- explain in a twisted way of roping me into their chaos. In these cases, I've been sharing my thoughts one time only (and I've literally bit my tongue to keep from repeating myself) and just let the other person continue to spin while I remain silent. This way, I stay on my side of the street and they remain on theirs- acting or behaving however they choose.

Also, I notice I can become wordy when I've got a lot going on and am not collected in my thoughts... confusing myself as well as others.

I'm not sure where the miscommunication lay between your conversation with your friend; but anyone can have misunderstandings.

Anyway, I find you are very clear here in MIP.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pushka

Great shares so far from our MIP family

That sounds so very familiar. My therapist referred to this as talking in tangent to a subject. I do believe that I never really told anyone No I cannot do that

.

I would instead say "Oh that sounds good too bad I am busy maybe I can work it differently I can probably change my plans.etc

If I had been able to be direct in my style of communication I would never have encountered the confusion that you just spoke of.

I do believe talked around a subject---talked about possibilities , tried to make the other person feel hope and thought that by what I said the other person could DEDUCT that I was not going or could not show up.

That was one of my defects. I tried to translate other peoples conversation and read their minds in order to understand communications. I thought that everyone did that

Alanon taught me to be direct. Keep it simple, Say what I mean and Mean what I say.

I also needed to accept that I am not a mind reader and neither is anyone else. I had to learn to Listen and Learn , Not React, Process information and speak my truth

Great awareness.

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 18th of December 2011 11:37:49 PM

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Good awareness, Pushka. You're not pointing fingers. You're looking at what part you play in the misunderstanding. Can you come over and teach my hubby to do the same? LOL

I was wondering, are you one who do not directly answer a "yes or no" question? My hubby does this ALL the time. No exaggeration. Just today, I asked him, "Do you want me to ___________?" His reply, "If you want to." silent scream.

So I responded (in a nice voice - swear it was nice - even though forced) if he could either say yes or no, because the response he gave me seemed to imply that he could take the offer or leave it. And if that was his attitude, then I wasn't going to take the time to do what I offered for him. So he responded directly then with a "yes."

Why can't some people just say what they mean?

My hubby is hearing impaired too - totally deaf in 1 ear and has 40% hearing ability in the other. FUN! He promises that he will see about hearing aides after he recovers from his latest surgery.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

i think everyone is so busy running on their individual wheels with their individual agendas that we ALL fail to really tune in and listen to one another in the moment...

lesson for the day? tune in? hmmmm...I'm AWFUL busy...don't know if I'll have the time...

LOL

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes I find that others hear what they want to hear. Or they just don't hear clearly.

I work as a part time restaurant hostess, I make sure that I repeat back to people the day, time, number of people and any special instructions in order to verify that I have all the information correct.

I also try to be concise. I'm a better written communicator then verbal, and I think this is largely in part because I edit and edit before I release!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

For me at times, I don't want to directly disappoint the person so I indirectly talk around it thinking I have said no nicely but what I have really said is nothing at all and the person is too polite to ask for clarification.

I am starting to learn to say no as a full sentence.

I was asked the other day what I was doing for Xmas day. I said I am staying home and watching movies. The person asked if I would like to come over for brunch. I said, "No, I am planning on staying home and watching movies". Sher persisted (as one does) that if I felt like it, feel free to drop in. I said again, No thanks.

In the past I would hve said, well we will see how we feel, what we get up to but you know what Xmas day is like, it can get unplanned etc etc. My friend would have been left with the feeling that I may/probably try to attend and cater accordingly.

I chose to just say no. My mind was screaming.. what part of "I plan to stay home" does she not understand!!!! How can I just drop in on someone when I am not dropping anywhere. So I did not say it mean, I did not say what was in my head, I did not make up 'nice' excuses. I just said No.

Like the others have said, I always clarify at the end the plan if I hve made one. I generally say "can I just check that we are both on the same page and I have the details right".

For me, I have never been noted for my tact so I have to make sure I have said something clearly but not harshly.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks all for the replies!! I"m going to take it all under advisement as I muddle through communicating in my relationships. I'm really going to pay attention to sending signals that I really don't mean. I KNOW that has happened from time to time in specific situations. Communicating effectively will help me in all areas of my life. So it's def not a bad thing to take a look at and see exactly what my part is and where I can improve. Better communication causes a lot less chaos, that I am seeing without question.

Hugs P :)

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Pushka,

When you feel you've got your communication skills down, let me know. I'll send you plane ticket to CA, so you can teach my husband! LOL

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Gail, ... that would be funny if in this lifetime I became a communication coach .. LOL!!! I can use another trip out to California .. LOL!

P :)

stephaniej · Senior Member

I also just want to add, Pushka, that while I think it's GREAT that we all want to improve our communication skills, also be gentle with yourself. Communication is a two-way (sometimes multiple-way) street, and you can't do it all on your own. A common conflict around here is that my AH accuses me of "never listening" to him. In fact, what he means is that I don't always do what he tells me to do.

But working on not sending mixed signals, or incorrect signals is definitely a big deal...people in your life are lucky to know someone who is aware of that and is willing to work on it!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Stephanie,

You are absolutely correct that there is a two way street. Something I was reading tonight in the Delima of an Alcoholic Marriage is the shifting of dynamics (LOL .. my words), that's where I am at right now with everyone in my life. Knowing what I am responsible for and then what I am not. Am I being receptive or am I sending signals of being attacking when I"m trying to be in a receptive mode. There's a lot of things I found out I'm actually doing well and I didn't know it. Thank you HP .. lol. Some of those lessons have been hard learned.

I'm not responsible when others try and control me through manipulation. Thankfully, I'm wise enough to see when those things do happen, I'm trying to address them in a more positive direct way vs just being brutally direct .. lol. Which has it's moments it just doesn't need to be every moment.

Something I have learned is everyone wants to be heard (HA .. I used to think it was just me who wanted to be heard), it's just as important to know when to listen and when to talk. I never learned these nuanices in communicating with others. I've always been more bull in a china shop, EVERYONE heard me I don't think I really saw the damage I was doing. Again not all on me, however there have been moments without question. There have been others that the bull in the china shop was the only way any adult knew something wasn't right in my life.

I just know things have to keep changing if I want to keep reaping the benefits of growth in my life.

Thanks for the support, P :)

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