There are so many times that I wonder if I should be with my husband. He is sober and not abusive in any way. I just get so angry with his actions from the past. I know I need to -really- forgive him, and there are times when I think I have, but I just can't forget. He has lied to me so much during our dating and even into marrying him. He had told me that his 1st wife and him were separated, but living together due to having a 6 month old baby. I believed him; of course this was not accurate. He also had another gf on the side of me and her. He did end up leaving both of them and choosing me (which I didn't realize until a few months after we were married). He also told me lies about how involved in the military he was. He was actually injured during basic training and medically discharged, but he told me that he was injured while overseas in a road side bomb. He then told me that he was being placed back on to active duty and going over seas. I guess I was REALLY stupid, but it is what it is. So we got married quickly. Of course during all this I saw his drinking increase and increase. I had said something to him and he assured me he would "cut back" and so I didn't observe any drinking much after. Once again I was fooled. He had some mental health problems (obviously) and had been suicidal. We had some inpatient stays, but then in June 2010 he texted me a good bye note and I came home and found him holding a gun in his mouth and yelling at me to stay back. Well of course I called the police and they came and took him to the hospital. He ended up inpatient again for about a week. Then the truth came out. His family started telling me things that I didn't know. Like how he had never been overseas, how he had been cheating on me, and I started to pick up on his drinking problem. (Especially since he had a high BAL when he went to the hospital after his suicide attempt.) So this has left me with a lot of "issues." My therapist says PTSD, I guess I really feel like what I saw was horrible, but small compared to what others have gone through with PTSD. So, while in treatment he admitted to the lies and admitted he had a drinking problem and started attending AA groups. He did end up quitting AA and going to a different type of recovery program geared toward native americans, as he is one. (I know we can't really promote other groups so I won't mention the name). He has been sober for a year and a half. I'm so proud of him, but then I look at him and I see someone I don't really know. I feel so mad because he lied to me to get me to marry him, which I would have said yes to anyways. Then I feel guilty for being mad, not because of him, but because of my mother. My mom passed away in September of 2010, several months after his hospitalization. I then think that if I had known the truth, my mom may never had seen me get married. She had a lot to do with the wedding as far as planning it and putting it into reality. I guess I'm just having a lot of problems figuring out my emotions. I'm mad that he made us get married so quickly. I feel like I could have had a better wedding. We got married in the courthouse and had a tiny reception. I guess I always had that dream of making having a bigger more traditional wedding. He has promised that we could renew our vows in the native ways, which I'm really excited about, but then I feel so sad that my mom won't be there to enjoy it. The holidays just make everything worse as far as the grief of losing my mom, which makes me remember the stuff with my husband. It's a vicious cycle. My mother's death really kinda helped my marriage. I saw how supportive my husband was and how much he cares about me. He allowed me to just be there with my family. He made sure I had everything I needed. I don't know how I would have gotten by with out him, but I dunno....I just feel so let down. I feel like I barely know him. Plus he is a truck driver so is only home a few days a month, so it's not like we get to spend a whole bunch of time getting past this.