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Ugh, I don't know what my problem is. In the past I have gone to some Al-Anon meetings, felt a little better and then stopped going. Then things get bad and I go back. In the meantime, I can see now I've been depressed for a while now, my AH has been an alcoholic for a long time and struggled with sobriety over the past two years. He is in AA but relapses a lot, and is on a very rocky recovery road.
About one month ago, I hit another bad patch and figured I would go back to Al-Anon. The more I thought about it, the more I'm accepting that I need the help that Al-Anon can provide me. I am really trying to just simply think about the first three steps and focusing on Al-Anon readings, talking to others, and examining my own faults and behaviors. And commit in my head to the program and not give up on it. But just since Ive re-dedicated myself, I seem to be hitting some kind of emotional/personal bottom worse than Ive ever experienced. I've even gone BACKWARDS in any detachment lessons I picked up on and tried to have a normal wife-to-husband conversations with my AH. For some reason I forgot I can't really communicate my needs w/him and the whole conversation created a crisis in itself, which for a while I'd been doing so much better at avoiding.
Like I said, I have self-diagnosed myself with a mild depression going on for the past several years even, but now I am worse than Ive ever been - so overwhelmed and confused. It seems like all of a sudden I am questioning everything my HP, my life, my family, my friends of course my marriage and my parenting skills. The result is I am just a wreck. Unable to sleep, exercise like I used to, communicate or concentrate on work. Each day seems a little worse than the last - I look like a complete wreck and can't even remember what I am doing. Any ESH or insight on whether this is a normal reaction to simply committing to Al-Anon and learning more about the program? I would think that once I finally reconciled in my head that Al-Anon can help me I would feel better.
Al-Anon works if you work it. Keep coming back. I know it's hard especially when you start digging up your own dirt. Keep it simple. I was trying to do too much all, at once. I had to stop in the begining and think. My second month in Al-Anon all I worked on was One Day/Moment at a Time. I could not do much else, I was too swamped. You're doing the right thing focusing on you and getting yourself healthy. whether he's healthy or not.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
For my two cents..... I believe, that our program of recovery (i.e. Al-Anon), is an evolving process, much like that of the A's who are trying to go to AA.... The key is to believe - in the program, sure... but more importantly, in yourself. YOU deserve to feel better, and your brain & heart might not yet be aligned, but at least part of you knows that Al-Anon will ultimately help towards that goal....
The saying "take what you like, and leave the rest", often gets misconstrued by us... in my understanding and experience, it means that the overall program is valid and helpful, but "Just for Today", I may only be able to apply/accept certain parts of it to myself... That is perfectly okay... the fact that you want growth, to feel better, is a big step.... getting yourself inside the door, and your butt in a seat, is a huge thing as well....
Try not to beat yourself up - you are likely "exactly where you need to be" in your recovery....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi Kael :)
I was feeling the same way after I started. It seemed I was feeling worse. Turns out I was. I was in the process of trying to let go. Had a really hard time with that. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Progress, not perfection. F2F meetings remind us that we are human and so are our men. There is a strange comfort in seeing you aren't alone. Healing takes time...
I recently had a bought of what I thought was life playing a cruel and twisted joke on me! I set my boundaries and told my BF that I didn't want to hear from or see him until he got into treatment. As fate would have it, I saw him on the road 6 times in 2 weeks (never ran into hin like that) and *I* felt punished. I knew that there must be a reason, but I forced myself to turn it over to my HP and trust that one day I might understand. It bogged my brain and ached my heart. Finally, I had been in contact with a member of AA who helped me prepare for a moment where I might be of some assistance to my BF if he should poke around with the idea of getting help (he is in denial). And literally within a week, I ended up parking 2 cars over from his with no idea we'd be in the same place. The chances of that were 1 in a million! I lost my ever-loving mind! I became a form of myself I didn't know-jealous, angry, ugly, cruel... And I, in that desperate despair, finally accepted I was powerless. I FINALLY hit MY bottom! I left the place and before I drove off, I left the BB on the windshield of his car. I was finally ready to let go and leave it to HP. My son got sick and I was immediately thrust into medical crisis for him. My reality made sure I was good and distracted and priorities made loud and clear. Turns out my son has hyperthyroidism, better than the cardiology issue they suspected! And will be fine. The night I learned he would be ok, my BF contacted me to talk and he Finally opened up to me and admitted he was an alcoholic & drug addict. The best part of our talk was that I realized the change that had occurred in me from hitting my bottom. I was able to let go of all the resentment I had been carrying as we spoke. I knew that my HP stepped in once I left the door open. And better things were happening. I felt peace when we talked. I saw him as the man I fell in love with, but with a true sense of love for him of who he is, sick and all, and not what I want him to be. Sorry for such a lengthy post. Short stories are not really my fortee! Lol! But the point is, hitting your bottom will surely help you find yourself moving up! Be easy on you, and remember, you are parenting the right one(s) your kid(s). You can show your husband how to be an adult by treating him like one. I looked at my guy when he started off all mad and defensive like a kid having a tantrum and thought "Go ahead. Knock your Cheerios on the floor. And when you're done having your tantrum, you can pick them up." You are doing good, even though it feels so terrible. You're here and you are trying. And that is the beat you can do for you and your family :)
Much love and support! *hugs*
Nicole
PS-try reading (or rereading) "Getting Them Sober" and let me know how you're doing :) Will be praying for you sweetie!
Aloha Kael...sounds like you and your husband are doing the same ups and downs, ins and outs. He's not responsible for your happiness and you are not responsible for his. Depression is a part of the disease and closely related to the condition of insanity...mind, body, spirit and emotions get all convoluted and for me I was also very burnt toast. Higher Power work was beyond me for a long time...not that I didn't believe but that I wasn't able to build a reliable attachment until I got the road I was walking cleared of stumbling blocks of every nature. I did commit to the program and the meetings because that was the easiest at that time to just go, sit down, listen, learn something and practice it the best I could. That works(ed) for me because the program for me is about changing my behavior first and then my mind will follow.
Expect lows and when they come they won't surprise you as much and will last a shorter period of time. You don't have to do lows alone in our program. You're never alone...especially here. (((((hugs)))))
PS I have dysthmia...low grade long lasting depression and it doesn't affect me nearly as bad as it did before coming into Al-Anon. One of the things I learned about depression is the definition "Anger turned inward" so when the depression rises I do an inventory about what I am angry about...all of it and see how much of it I am inappropriately taking responsibility for.
I think I had many many backward spells in Al anon. I feel like its sometimes very very hard to find the gold in digging deep. I know for a long long time its been hard for me to find joy in my life besides with my dogs and cat. Indeed recently when I laughed I could not remember the last time I did that. I think now its because so much is brewing under the surface, so much stuff from my childhood that needed to be reworked.
Being around an alcoholic, indeed living in a conscious way, brings up so much stuff. For so many of us what brought us to a relationship with an alcoholic were patterns from the past that were so painful we could not acknowledge them. Getting to them isn't a straight route some of us have all these feelings that seem to come out of nowhere and have nothing attached to it. They seem like stuff that comes out of nowhere. The task of putting it all together isn't an easy one or one that comes without doubt, heartache and grief. For me the grief of living with an A wasn't about him entirely it was about a lifetime of living around dysfunctional people that broke my heart over and over.
For me the idea of taking care of myself was really alien. My basic needs were not met as a child and I didn't even have a concept of what they were. All I knew was survival and I was pretty good at that, no matter what happened I survived barely. Being willing to say I wanted more was such a huge step. Expecting more was absolutely impossible.
I know you are willing, committed and able to reach out. That's huge. I am so glad you are here and sharing your process with so many. There are so many people who don't even dare put this to paper and they can come here and read this and know they aren't alone anymore.
It seems like all of a sudden I am questioning everything
Don't know about others but for me the trailhead of the spiritual path began with an emotional roller coaster ride. It was what I needed to decide to keep walking.
I went to a face to face alanon meeting today and the topic was keeping an open mind. In our meeting opener there are promises read. For example:
"If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help. You will realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered, and no unhappiness to great to be lessened"
When I keep my mind open focused on a slogan such as Listen and Learn, I find I am programming my mind into the solution rather than focusing on the problem. I do this one meeting at a time, one day at a time. It is the constant repetition that strengthens and confirms that has worked for me.
I do so hope you will continue to attend meetings. Recovery for me has never been linear. Often it is filled with peaks and valleys. The face to face rooms of alanon keep me filled with faith, hope, and gratitude that no matter what happens, this too shall pass.
