The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My bf has diabetes and -- not everyone knows this -- they can have the same kind of unpredictable moodiness as an A. My ex h was an A, and he would go into sudden rages and say whatever he could think of to make me feel bad.
Bf stopped by today, in the midst of a blood sugar crash. I stupidly forgot that he can't think straight while in that state. Since I don't know what it feels like, I have a tendency to pretend it isn't happening. Not smart at all.
So I was trying to have a normal visit together. I feel vey sorry for him because I think he wants to be a big strong successful man, yet he has been sick a long time and getting worse. I am so scared of losing him.
Well anyway, the conversation soon went south. He started lecturing and advising me about something (he loves to be the expert who knows everything).
I felt like his advice was overly critical and disrespectful, even more than usual. We didn't have a big argument, but he left angry, as well as sick.
I knew it was partly my fault because I let my pride get involved. If I ignored my pride, I would not have felt insulted by his insistent and condescending advice.
But my pride is being attacked daily at my job now, so I am probably overly defensive. I would like someone someday to say one single nice word about me. It has not happened in a long time.
Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and I start thinking what a lousy deal I got in this life.
But it's the same old pattern, isn't it? I originally came to Alanon because of a relationship with an A. I had been thinking I don't belong in Alanon any more (except ACOA). But my bf might as well be an A sometimes.
So maybe I am in the right place here. Maybe I am still a co-dependent.
Oh I get so hurt when people are mean. Is that just normal, or do I have an excessive need for approval? Are people just normally mean? I have lost sight of what is normal. Not that I ever knew.
I think most people don't stick around people who are mean. So they don't experience it much, or only a few times per person. But we stick around and blame ourselves for being sensitive. I think I would have saved myself a world of trouble if I'd been more sensitive earlier in my life, and stopped going ahead and staying close to people who were mean to me.
sometimes I joke with friends that if there is anything at all wrong in their lives, just blame me...because EVERYTHING is my fault. My therapist tells me that this is from following my control issues out to the extreme. I control everything...SO..if something goes wrong..it's MY fault. Alanon version of stinking thinking...but hard to undo!
I heard once that expecting the world to be just because you are a nice person is like a nice person being in a ring with an angry bull and expecting the bull not to charge. It is not in the nature of the world to be just (or kind..or whatever) just because WE try to be good people. It is not in the nature of the angry bull in the ring to be sweet and nice because the person in the ring is a good person either. Bull don't care.
It's so hard not to take it personally, and take on the responsibility too. Oh, and for the record, mean people suck. Pray for them.
-- Edited by rehprof on Sunday 11th of December 2011 08:13:08 AM
-- Edited by rehprof on Sunday 11th of December 2011 08:14:31 AM
Men tend to be solution oriented and we don't connect as easily on an emotional level. They think (like me often) that giving advice IS a way of being empathic and are then miffed when told they aren't listening or being caring. Just my belief, but this is one way communication heads south fast between the genders.
Men tend to be solution oriented and we don't connect as easily on an emotional level. They think (like me often) that giving advice IS a way of being empathic and are then miffed when told they aren't listening or being caring. Just my belief, but this is one way communication heads south fast between the genders.
I know, that was in the men are from mars women are from venus book. It is true, especially of my bf. He is a leader type of person, and feels like he should always be in charge. He is a manager at his job. He never misses a chance to give me advice about something.
I know he is like that, and men in general are like that, and I have told myself to not let it bother me. And I know that if he gets low blood sugar he goes nuts.
And I asked his opinion about something at just the wrong time. He was in a state where he easily gets enraged. And I have been feeling unappreciated and vulnerable.
So might as well throw a match into a can of gasoline. Very stupid of me to not have avoided it. Afterwards I apologized to him, but he doesn't like apologies. He just wants me to stop making mistakes.
But it can be hard to get along with a person who has alcholism, or some other sickness that can make them irrational and angry.
I think most people don't stick around people who are mean. So they don't experience it much, or only a few times per person. But we stick around and blame ourselves for being sensitive. I think I would have saved myself a world of trouble if I'd been more sensitive earlier in my life, and stopped going ahead and staying close to people who were mean to me.
That is hard for me to believe, and maybe it depends on how you define "mean." The director of the department where I work is often rude and insensitive, and everyone knows it. Yet they accept him, because he gets things done and is knoweldgeable. Everyone sticks around, and I am not the only one who considers him mean.
It has to be fairly common for people to experience disrespectful managers at their jobs, but they stick around because they need the job.
And there have to be lots of people who get angry easily, yet their husbands or wives stick around.
I think it is possible that I can be too sensitive, and that sometimes I trigger their anger by being unaware. I don't know. But I sure have been the target of anger plenty of times in my life, in my two relationships, and in this job from hell, where I have been for ten years. I also got it several times from my sister, but I think she might be a rage-aholic.
Ifa, that sounds like my last boss. She drove me nuts and was so rotten. I wound up writing an 11 page harrassment letter on her before quitting. I heard she got fired just recently, but I left that job month before...too little too late. The same dynamic was happening with people sticking around and tolerating the abuse of this lady cuz she was able to pull of high audits....but she was nasty and talked down to us and ruled through threats, demeaning comments, and intimidation. It got to a boiling point and I exploded at her and found a new job. I kept trying to accept this rotten boss again and again, but in the end, I needed to change jobs. Things are much better now. Not sure what you situation is like or if that is even possible.
I don't know there is a strict al anon code you have to be with an active alcoholic to be here. Certainly if you find it helpful you should stay. There is nothing wrong with exploring ACOA issues over on that board.
I know for me certain conversations can churn up, ie. trigger really difficult issues that I have not processed. I have certainly been a people pleaser all my life and for many of us exploring that trait is a real big undertaking.
I hope you will choose to stay! You are welcome here anytime.
Ifa, that sounds like my last boss. She drove me nuts and was so rotten. I wound up writing an 11 page harrassment letter on her before quitting. I heard she got fired just recently, but I left that job month before...too little too late. The same dynamic was happening with people sticking around and tolerating the abuse of this lady cuz she was able to pull of high audits....but she was nasty and talked down to us and ruled through threats, demeaning comments, and intimidation. It got to a boiling point and I exploded at her and found a new job. I kept trying to accept this rotten boss again and again, but in the end, I needed to change jobs. Things are much better now. Not sure what you situation is like or if that is even possible.
Mark
Yes, mean people can get into high places. They love this guy because he smart. He's probably even rude to his boss, and gets away with it. I am not directly under him any more, but I am realizing my manager is as bad or worse, in different ways.
I would love to leave but I am in a field where age discrimination is very common, so it's hard to get another job. I want to get early SS in two years, but don't know if I can hang on that long. It is torture.
I hope my manager will be promoted and I get a different supervisor. That would be a miracle.
I don't know there is a strict al anon code you have to be with an active alcoholic to be here. Certainly if you find it helpful you should stay. There is nothing wrong with exploring ACOA issues over on that board.
I know for me certain conversations can churn up, ie. trigger really difficult issues that I have not processed. I have certainly been a people pleaser all my life and for many of us exploring that trait is a real big undertaking.
I hope you will choose to stay! You are welcome here anytime.
Maresie.
There is definitely not any strict code about that. I have been in Alanon a long time, and lots of people are no longer living with the A. I have also been in ACOA and have explored that. I tried posting on the ACOA forum here, but there is very little activity there, much less than here.
ifa wrote:But it's the same old pattern, isn't it? I originally came to Alanon because of a relationship with an A. I had been thinking I don't belong in Alanon any more (except ACOA). But my bf might as well be an A sometimes.
So maybe I am in the right place here. Maybe I am still a co-dependent.
You hit the nail on the head with that -- if we establish patterns in our life with an alcoholic, and then repeat those patterns with others (even if those others aren't alcoholics), we are still affected by the disease of alcoholism and still belong in Al-Anon.
You have every right to keep going to meetings, posting here, and working your program -- you're in the right place!
I dated a guy briefly who was a "severe" diabetic, another term for him would be "brittle" diabetic and he had ATROCIOUS habits - wouldn't eat, then drank beer, tested his blood sugar and then would drink pepsi to bring his sugar level up. Had a closet full of different candies but got mad at me when I asked him once what his favorite candy was - I got a 10 minute lecture on how I eat more candy than he ever will (I don't because sugar isn't my vice) blah blah blah - he had an episode where he gave himself too much insulin and was on the floor in a ball - got him the sugar tablet and just minded him until he came around (this was before I became an EMT, and he remained able to talk/tell me what to do the whole time). He had atrocious eating habits - nothing I could ever to do make things any different. And YES - he was always moody - when I became an EMT it amazed me how important a role sugar plays in our health - low or high blood sugar can cause "altered mental status" and there are cases where someone is arrested because his altered mental state made him appear drunk only to find out he's a diabetic in a diabetic emergency. I remember a lot of times when my children would be out of sorts and thinking to myself, which tank is empty - emotional, food or sleep? When any of their tanks are empty they are not themselves - sometimes all it took was a snack to bring them back to normal.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
IFA: Real quick! My ah is also a diabetic & he is a rage aholic when his blood sugar is out of control as a dear friend pointed out maybe after reading your post. Small world because he acted up last night because of his obvious symptoms & definite dyed-in-the wool alcoholism. Anyhow, I feel for you!
IFA: Real quick! My ah is also a diabetic & he is a rage aholic when his blood sugar is out of control as a dear friend pointed out maybe after reading your post. Small world because he acted up last night because of his obvious symptoms & definite dyed-in-the wool alcoholism. Anyhow, I feel for you!
Kathleen
We have to remember to have compassion for them. It's hard to love someone when they're a raving maniac, but they can't help it.
Pray for them.