The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
enter your safe world as a fledgling out of my 6 year
chaos. I just want to say thank you. Because of this forum online I have successfully broken communication with my A now for nearly 2 whole days. I find myself reading over everyone's posts and finding the truth and strength to resist relapse back into his world and my failed attempts to fix it.
I tried so hard I loved him so I believed it would be okay he was so in love with me it swept me into an initial dream that would become a nightmare.
From the start I knew his consumption was excessive but he was sweet and kind. Last year I didn't know who needed to die more me or him. I was consumed by the fury and frustration the abandonment and the callous. cruelty. The man I thought to marry had become the monster I feared to rouse. Until my anger
would over take the fear and we would destroy each other and our home and belongings into the middle of
the night. I found myself alone in my car half dressed and raw with nowhere to go and an early work day looming. Inevitably I would return and plan my escape save money look for apartments, make up,spend the savings and chaos would always return. I hit my bottom last year. I was drowning in the misery of my codependency to his disease. I felt like I was suffering from PTSD if he dropped something and cursed my insides would flinch instinctively preparing for an argument and potential violence. Whether it be verbal
or physical if he was glazed over bugeyed it was going to be bad. I started experiencing heart fluttering that I now think were due to mini self thought induced panic
attacks. I was trying to think my way out of this toxic living environment and I was having a very difficult time.
..
I hope you will find support through f2f meetings as well. You don't have to go through this alone in the real world. As nice as these forums are there is something that is amazing about the f2f meetings as well.
Welcome to the boards so glad you are here. Please keep coming back.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
continued ... Eventually I found a little place I could afford,but ceased to really end the relationship. I just now had a safe haven to run to before things blew up and coupled with that security he did seem to try more to be good to me.But I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend I haven't any needs of my own. I tried so hard to put the pieces together and make "our"lives right. Couldn't understand why it was such an uphill battle. I am smart,successful, ans headstrong. I usually can accomplish my goals but after the first 3-4 years in even I started to become exhausted. I see now that I was just filling the cracks in,trying so hard to control him and always falling apart no matter how hard I squeezed. I knew it was unhealthy earlier on and the past few years were just hell. But I seemed to be unable to let it go,let him go. And that is where I am now. With the support I have just from reading the stories here that echo my life ,my fears all the self inflicted thought I have struggles with. I know the program can be implemented for those who remain in their A's life or not and I know the choice for me is to break our connection. I will always care but I am grateful we did not marry or have any children. I feel the loss acutely and am overwhelmed by how hurt I am even as a sense of peace and safety is slowly returning to my life. It's strange how the right decision can leave me so sad.I miss him for as you all are surely aware of - when he's sober he's my love my best friend and my soul. But he also is the abyss that I lost my soul,sanity, and self into for 6 years.
. It's strange how the right decision can leave me so sad.I miss him for as you all are surely aware of - when he's sober he's my love my best friend and my soul. But he also is the abyss that I lost my soul,sanity, and self into for 6 years.
Dear Lightenbyenlightenment
Thank you so much for your powerful touching share. I am touched by your honesty and feel a deep connnection to your experiences Your life experience mirrored what I found in my marriage and we both found ourselves in the same difficult place.I too tried everything to make it right and finally I thought to myself, some day I am going to kill him or he will kill me and that is the day I too found a new safe place.
I am glad you have found help on this Board and haven and a wonderful program of recovery. You write with great depth and insight
Please find additoonal assistance for yourself at local face ot face meetings and continue sharing here
It is hard, painful and anything that is worth while take effort and time so please keep coming back you are worth it.!!
Amazing. This is my first experience with Alanon, the first post I read, and you described a mirror image of what I have been going through with my wife for the alst few years. Just so you know, I do understand.
This was down right beautiful! Everyone's experience is so much the same, and yet, so very different. My story is so different from what you're describing, however, we are still so much alike. Words cannot express how touched I am by this share. It is so raw and real. Thank you for sharing and I am so happy to hear these boards have helped, yet another person, as they have helped me.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
You wrote: we would destroy each other and our home and belongings into the middle of the night. I found myself alone in my car half dressed and raw with nowhere to go and an early work day looming.
I remember parking my car in a friends warehouse hoping I got it in and the door closed before he drove by looking for me; sitting there in the cold wondering if I could make it to the door in the pitch black; sitting at her computer playing games trying to spend time before I dared go back to MY house and hopefully he was either NOT there, or asleep. I remember doing this with my daughter in tow as well - how crazy is that? to put not only myself but my child in this predicament but not be able to tell him to just GO because I'd had enough??? The fights that ended up draining whatever meager resources I'd built back up because he would storm away, spend massive amounts of money and I'd end up taking him back without discussion after a few months had glossed over the impact of the battle. Until, finally, the last battle was fought and I was done; but it took a lot of battles, more than mom sanctioned, thats for sure.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thank you all for your comments. I know that I need f2f meetings and am locating one in my area. But right now, the middle of the 3rd day since contact has ceased I am filling my strength here. Listening to everyone express their unique version of the same lives. I thought I was crazy,as he would repeatedly tell me I was but I knew in my heart it wasn't only me and my big unrealistic expectations of him. I have had healthy,supportive relationships and never imagined I could be involved in this type of dysfunction. But there it was: a perfect re-creation of my childhood. I had spent years separating myself from my family,still loving them but detached and pursuing a stable ideal of normal they would never have. I guess I am the "white " sheep of the family. And for awhile there actually thought I had matured unscathed from the past. Ha! nope. I recognize I have a lot of work to do myself. That's how I got here,how I manifested my greatest fear...I became my mother. Trapped,powerless,angry,crazy, and abused. I will leave him in the past but unless I address what's in me I fear I will simply replace him with another opportunity to put my sanity in harm's way.
ONCE AGAIN :THANK YOU TO EACH AND EVERYONE HERE- it is literally changing my life right now.
You know many of us adapt our mother's traits as a way to survive. After all if your mother is horrible most of the time you are not going to be able to discuss it and process it with them at all.
I feared very much becoming my parents because they were always seriously mentally ill. I think its easy to get hard on yourself and think that one can fix all issues overnight.
For me leaving the ex A was one step along the way. I can't say its an easy journey. Right now I am pretty frazzled because I have to do retal and my schedule is different every day. I have no routine!
The ex A destroyed so much in the middle of the night in his tantrums. When I left him I felt I was leaving a home but really he had destroyed that long before.
I don't know that I missed the ex A when I left. I think I missed having him be the center of attention and having to focus so much on myself to survive. I almost missed going without and feeling virtuous for it!
Of course now I live on my own I also don't have someone to blame for my problems. He was a very convenient peg to hang it all on. After all I had no time for my own problems! That was one case where he felt we were a couple when he had problems, fines court cases...well then we were a couple. When it came to my birthday I was some albatross around his neck which of course justified leaving me whenever he felt like it sometimes for as much as 7 days. Needless to say after so many days he was able to walk right back in and say he needed his "space". For me the being left was a huge trigger for my abandonment issues.
Really I think now the ex A abandoned me long long before he pulled his leaving stunts.
"I don't know that I missed the ex A when I left. I think I missed having him be the center of attention and having to focus so much on myself to survive. I almost missed going without and feeling virtuous for it!"
How true this is. I spent so much time preparing for our wedding and worrying about him and his new health issues that I never had time to worry about what was going on for me...that was always on the back burner. This post really hit home for me...thank you for sharing this.
Hello and welcome! I understand your feeling of belonging here. I found the same thing when I first arrived. Reading other posts, I was often struck by how their experiences mirrored my own, and until I came here, I thought I was all alone. The words of hope and strength from those who had almost literally 'walked a mile in my shoes' was amazing, the relief I felt was beyond compare. I hope you continue to come and share your story with us.and that you continue to find ways to help yourself. I know that the book 'Getting Them Sober' is often suggested here, and I did find it helpful. However, the book I identify best with is 'Marriage on the Rocks' by Janet Woititz. It gave me some great insights on who I really am a d why I act as I do, and also some great tips on changing those actions. Anyway, glad you're here- please keep coming!
Love from
Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
