The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am grateful to be able to come here in safety, trusting that I will receive objective and healthy feedback. I am facing a dilemma right now in my present relationship and cannot sit in denial any longer.
My bf is a recovering A who has a back injury for which he takes prescription drugs for pain (the narcotic oxycontin). He doesn't seem to be abusing them (as he is supposed to take them 4x's per day and usually doesn't take the recommended doseage). He has, however, been selling them to people he knows. Most of the individuals he is selling to are using the pills to get "high". I revealed in couple's counseling that I had a serious issue with this. He got mad at me for blowing up his spot in front of the therapist. It is now seven months later and he is still selling his drugs.
He is now retired with a pension and also receiving disability monthly. He received a sizeable settlement in regards to his injuries on the job and has been talking about the future and us buying a house and moving out of state. I have come to a crossroads... I cannot deny what I see any longer and I have some serious (and what I feel are very valid) concerns. Without taking HIS inventory, I must say, I never thought I would get involved with a drug dealer, but I AM. I cannot accept this. I don't want it in my life or my young son's. It seems my bf has one foot in recovery and the other ...in the devil's lair...
I have decided that this is not a good or safe and healthy place for me. Today I was told that it is HIS business. I am sorry, but it IS my business in the sense that I have a right to decide and choose what IS in mine and my son's best interest and what ISN'T!!!! He argued with me and told me that the Tylenol 3's that my sponsor recently gave me for my migraine make me just as guilty as he is. He said what I was doing was illegal. Foolishly, I fell right in the booby trap and defended myself and my intentions. I argued that I had taken the medication for a migraine (medicinally) and the people he was selling to were taking the pills to get high. I also told him that I am not, nor is my sponsor, selling narcotics. I asked him if someone were to OD on the pills he was selling, how would he justify that?...
Insanity on my part...Arguing with someone who is in DENIAL. The only thing I needed to communicate were my feelings and boundaries (after that I needed to do nothing else). I admit to my momentary lapse of sanity but I spoke with my sponsor and was told that I did the right thing for ME. I am not responsible and cannot control other people's actions or choices. I CAN and will continue to choose what is good for me. I have been noticing lately that as I continue to keep the focus on me, that others have either "owned their stuff" and started interacting with me on healthier terms. Don't get me wrong, it isn't easy to make these changes for myself, but at least I am trying ...with the hope that things can and will get better!! I don't need to be right.. I NEED to be happy!!!! Today I release my ABF to his Higher Power..... without guilt!
You will be right if you look after yourself....in a financial, medical, legal and all the ways you can think of.
You hopefully will not need to ask him to sign anything to get out of the spot you are in but can separate your finances as I did many years ago.
Every good wish.....keep reading various replies to posts....you will find a number of members in a very similar situation to yourself as regards the drugs.
Narcotics Anonimous also have a website I believe, that may be helpful too.
Aloha Dee...that's good program even the part of his trying to weave a Tylenol 3 guilt trip on you. LOL that one cracked me up. It's good you have your program vision intact to see thru that one. I find what you shared here to be similar to what my sponsorship have and would continue to have shared with me. The title of your post clued me in because it is a program philosophy and I remember the first time I got the question "Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right"? First time it took me a bit of musing before I arrived at honesty with myself. I'd rather be happy of course that's why I continue to keep coming back and practicing what I learn. Great share and thanks. (((((hugs)))))
You have got an uber strong program and I really don't hear delima in your post I hear that you are right in your program with your best interests and those of your sons.
For me my biggest concern would be my kids because he gets arrested for this, and DSCF is in the mix and it won't matter that you weren't involved it's all by association guilt or no guilt.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you for sharing your situation with us. Sometimes we forget that our safety, our serenity and our security is as valuable and important to us as the alcohol or drug is to the alcoholic/addict. Our happiness is paramount, directly effecting our quality of life and we don't need to drown in the mix of denial that the A in our lives puts together for themselves.
In Al-Anon we don't oppose or endorse the staying or leaving, what we try to do is support you in your decision(s) so that you have a resource of people to lean on no matter what.
I agree with your premise of "what if" someone dies as a result of selling and placing those narcotics in the hands of a addict? That absolutely flies in the face of Step 12 and Tradition 5. We tried to carry the message (not the drugs) to the still sick and suffering alcoholics/addicts) and "Our primary purpose is help the alcoholic/addict to acheive sobriety/clean time."
Having put those two points out there it's obvious that your A is not working a program of recovery and unfortunately, a relapse doesn't start when they pick up again, that is where the relapse ends. So, I hate to say it, but when they step off course, if its not corrected fast, they tend be the next in line to pick up again.
You do need to make sure you protect yours and your childs safety, serenity and security. And be happy you have the ability to do so, because you have a clear mind and good program working in your behalf.
John
-- Edited by John on Saturday 10th of December 2011 08:48:35 PM
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
This was hard for me to read because my husband is not only an alcoholic but also an addict. He is addicted to oxies and when he cant get his hands on those he takes heroine and yes, they are practically the same thing. So this subject matter is sticky for me because my husband overdosed about three weeks ago and almost died right in front of me.. to spare you any more horrible details I will just say this... No matter what decision you make, SBG, you know that the choices your bf is making are HIS choices, not yours... whatever decision you make will be yours and that is up for you to decide what to do. These boards are full of people going through the same problems and I am living proof that focusing on yourself, working the steps, going to meetings, and remembering the slogans like one day at a time etc really do produce miracles. Youre in a hard situation and I know what that is like but for me it was comforting to know that there were people at F2F mtgs and on these boards who understood and, even more importantly, actually cared. Youre a strong person, SBG, I can tell.. you will get through these trying times.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I know personally having lived in a house with absolute active dealers (day and night) none of them are going to admit to dealing. He explained away these constant visitors as nephews, distant cousins, caretakers for his wife, friends (5 an hour). The only compromise I could get him to do was to stop them using the communal bathroom.
I think its so wise of you to be questioning the situation you are in. Some of us in that space make a plan be of what they will need if they choose to leave. Somehow for me making that plan be stopped me from trying to fix the now ex A.
I do believe some addicts do harm reduction they can narrow down and go on a plateau for a while and function. But the people I have known in program are hanging around people in the program. They actively seek out people who are sober rather than tally with their friends who are still using.
The ex A would threaten to expose me in all kinds of ways if I ever went up against him. He had them lined up to shoot at me anytime I questioned his actions. Really arguing with someone like that is just like a game and there is no positive discussion possible. What happened for me was that I got more and more upset and angry.
Detaching is such a huge huge task. For me not running around and fixing everyone is so difficult. I have a lot of shoulds running around in my head all the time. What's different is now I don't act on them. I let them ride out and stall. So I think one good trick in detaching is when you feel like going in again for an argument, stall, put it off, give yourself an hour before you go to do that. Stalling is a great great tool in not trying to fix everything.
Thank you all for your thoughtful feedback and for sharing your experience, strength and hope. I decided to put some distance between myself and my bf and the situation. I prayed and handed over the issue. I also prayed for the courage to stand my ground about this particular issue and the right words to say to him. I wanted to be able to express my feelings, concerns and what it was that I would not accept and NOT accept in MY life. It actually went really well today! I was able to communicate with love and respect for the both of us. My bf admitted that he knew what he was doing was wrong and I SUGGESTED that he speak with his sponsor tonight before the meeting. I told him that I couldn't and would not live with drug dealing in my life, my son's life and in our ,possible, future life and home. He agreed that I was right about this..... Again, I was NOT looking to BE right...I just want to do the right thing that I know my Higher Power would have me do. I am grateful that I was given the courage to speak out and to be able to do so in a way that was diplomatic and respectful. Now~ we shall see what will be..... Actions speak louder than words and I am fully prepared to take the necessary actions to live true to myself, my values and my convictions. God bless you all and have a wonderful day!
