The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am very unhappy now. I am sitting at work, it's 10:57pm on Friday. He just called he's drunk, doesn't know when he got home or how. Unless he passes out, he will continue to call me. I don't want to be home right now. Because he will begin to put me down, and blame me for everything. My girls go stay at friends' homes on the weekend just to avoid being around him now. My grandchildren don't come over because he mean and treats them bad. When we go together almost nine yrs ago, he was not this bad, he was a quiet drunk. Within a year and half he started hanging out with an alcoholic friend of his, this is when all the problems started. This man would push a drink in his face, if he didn't want to drink. I tried letting his friends know about his drinking and not to bring hard liquor around, but that didn't help. The brought it around anyway. His friend has not been allowed to come to our home for 6 yrs now, so my husband goes to his house. His other friends don't come around because they know I get upset about the drinking. I don't know what to do. His children nor my older children want to come over anymore. My youngest two finds ways to stay away even on holidays. I still love him, but I also let him know I don't want him around when he is drinking. I have even called the police on him. They pulled him over when he left and still let him drive his truck. The police around here let him go cause a lot of them know him. I don't know what to do anymore. I want him to get help, but he won't. His friends think it funny to see him drunk and they play mean tricks on him. We don't talk very much anymore, or anything else. Can't make plans to do anything together, he always late or don't show up.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the forum. I am so glad you are here. I hope you stick around to get to know us better for we are a motley crew.
The 3 C's come to mind: You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, You cannot Cure it. For me what helped me in my marriage and my sanity was to go to face to face alanon meetings and be willing to listen and learn something new. The members in the program have so much wisdom and experience with loved ones who struggle with alcoholism. If you have not been to a face to face meeting, it is suggested that you try 6 or more meetings before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is right for you.
There is another member on this board, Tom, who often passes on what was shared with him, it is: "They are going to drink or not. What are YOU going to do?"
When I began to turn my focus off of Him and turn it on me and my recovery program, I began to see choices and a new perspective. It took going to meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps with them, and sharing what I learned with others in the program.
Please keep coming back and posting. I love to hear what you have to share.
Hi Betty, You have to do what is good for you. You have already started to do that by telling him not to have his drinking parties at the house you live in. Also by telling his friends that you don't want him drinking. But other than that, you really can't do much. Your kids have the right idea by leaving him alone and protecting themselves. That is all you can do. He will stop when HE wants to stop. You didn't cause it. If you did, then you could stop it, and you know that you can't. Take care of yourself. It may feel mean. It may feel heartless. Don't plan on him anymore.
(((Betty))) I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I can relate. As tommy and maryjane have said, there is nothing you can do about his drinking. Nothing. Period. He will get help if and when he is ready and not before. All you can control is yourself. But there are things you can do to make your life better. Coming to this board is one of them. Please read the stickys at the top of the page and read other posts and replies. There is so much knowledge, comfort, and support to be found here. And it's a great place to vent when you have to. People here understand what you're going through as we've all been in the same or similar place. Also, there are online meetings here twice a day. As far as not making plans together, I know what that's like. So now I go ahead and make plans for myself. I don't have to worry that I won't show up! And it beats sitting at home feeling sad and lonely. Please keep coming back.
I remember when I went to my first alanon meeting...and told me there was nothing I could do about my As drinking...I thought "are you KIDDING me?" "my life is going down the tubes and you guys want me to LET THAT HAPPEN?"
I share this because I just didn't understand at first...I was CRAZY to make my life better...but I was focusing on HIS behavior...and unfortunately...I couldn't control him AT ALL. it was a waste of time and energy.
I could, however, focus on ME. I stopped trying to control him and catch him in lies...etc...and assumed he was drinking and lying...and doing other things that I wouldn't approve of...and I let it go. THat's his gig, not mine. I separated our bank accounts..etc etc. so his addiction could not impact me as much in a negative way...I stopped arguing with him...and avoided him when he had been drinking...and it's weird but it really helps to detach --which is just the opposite of what we want to do! I wanted so desperately to MAKE HIM STOP...didn't work..would have never worked...
start reading recovery stuff. -- getting them sober...etc..and start thinking about YOU...that is something you can control...
Hi Betty, and welcome! You are in the right place, and I'm so glad you're here!
When I first started learning about al-anon, I really didn't think it was for me. All I really wanted was for my AH to stop drinking, it was HIS problem, not mine, why should I work on me? I wasn't the one with the problem! But I soon came to realize that I DID have a problem-a drunk husband- and nothing I did seemed to make my 'problem' go away. The things al-anon has taught me-through this site, F2F meetings, books and literature-have helped me to understand that the only person in this world I can control is me. My story has a happy ending-so far, anyway. Because of my new understanding of both my AH and myself, I began acting and REacting differently, setting boundaries and sticking to them, feeling good about myself for he first time in a long time. And, because I changed, it affected my AH to the point where he began changing, too, in a positive way. But the great thing is, whatever path he chose, or chooses, with the help of my al-anon friends and the things I've learned, I know that I will be ok.not 'just' ok either, but content, peaceful, and calm. I hope that you are able to find the kind of strength and support that have been true life-savers for me.
Keep coming back, and take cate of YOU!
Denise
__________________
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
I am very unhappy now. I am sitting at work, it's 10:57pm on Friday. He just called he's drunk, doesn't know when he got home or how. Unless he passes out, he will continue to call me. I don't want to be home right now. Because he will begin to put me down, and blame me for everything. My girls go stay at friends' homes on the weekend just to avoid being around him now. My grandchildren don't come over because he mean and treats them bad. When we go together almost nine yrs ago, he was not this bad, he was a quiet drunk. Within a year and half he started hanging out with an alcoholic friend of his, this is when all the problems started. This man would push a drink in his face, if he didn't want to drink. I tried letting his friends know about his drinking and not to bring hard liquor around, but that didn't help. The brought it around anyway. His friend has not been allowed to come to our home for 6 yrs now, so my husband goes to his house. His other friends don't come around because they know I get upset about the drinking. I don't know what to do. His children nor my older children want to come over anymore. My youngest two finds ways to stay away even on holidays. I still love him, but I also let him know I don't want him around when he is drinking. I have even called the police on him. They pulled him over when he left and still let him drive his truck. The police around here let him go cause a lot of them know him. I don't know what to do anymore. I want him to get help, but he won't. His friends think it funny to see him drunk and they play mean tricks on him. We don't talk very much anymore, or anything else. Can't make plans to do anything together, he always late or don't show up.