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HERE I GO AGAIN! CAPITAL LETTERS! now back to normal. I am not too thrilled again w/ my mom. She is definitely OCD among other things. She is too controlling & has major issues w/ money. I am somewhat like her but definitely in recovery.
Anyhow, my latest beef is that my MOM is so obsessive about stupid things like H2O! What I am getting at is that me; who is supposed to be too touchy, was bothered in an important meeting by my I don't know what to call her mother! How do I say this? I was sitting there minding my own business & drinking water, when my sweet mother decided to tell me that the lid on my water wasn't on right & eventually it would spill in HER car. I proceeded to put the lid back on the water bottle, knocked off the lid & said you made me do that or something to the effect! I was livid! I even told her off in front of more than 20 people! I just hope that not all of them saw it & most of them don't remember anyway. So, I was in the front of the room as I am vice-president of this organization. Do you see what I mean?
So, when we left, in the car I said you are so OCD among other mean comments. She had the nerve to tell me that I WAS going to spill that water in her car? I am done w/ the water anyhow! I was saying a few words to myself that I can't say now!
Now that I got that off my chest--it was yesterday & this is the first chance I got to mention it on here. I am feeling a little better but still upset as you can see
I will be a healthy member of Alanon & finally let this one go!
I am looking forward to the comments I get--I will check tomorrow!
I can certainly see that you are angry. I am not too sure what to say but something came to me while I was reading this. I am currently seeing a psych for my personality issues and I am doing exercises on identifying emotions and what I am doing with them. I have to write about an incident, as you just did, then I have to write why I think it happened. then the primary and secondary emotions, what I wanted to do (urges) what I did do, and then the short and long term consequences of those actions. Its DBT.
Anyhoooooooooo... I was reading yours and clearly seeing anger. I was wondering if it were me, what would my other emotions be that would make me lose control like that. I would think shame and embarassment. I would have felt like a child being told what to do in front of my friends (in this case, work people) and there would have been that child like response of mmmmuuuuummmmmmm... you're embarassing mmmmmeeeeee.
If it were me, on reflection, I could have maybe just put the water lid back on. The consequence of that would be that the people in the room see a lady who is cool calm and collected and a Mum that has an issue wiht a water bottle lid. The focus would have stayed on Mum. If I blew up like it sounds you did, the focus will be on me and people will remember my outburst as opposed to what it was about.
I have a story where Idid the blow up in a meeting but its too long to put here but I do understand what you are saying.
Its just a thought, but maybe looking at the reasons you are angry sometimes indicates deeper issues and as they say, it is never what we think it is.
So mine is....I am arriving at my work place this morning and just parking my truck and lo and behold I get lit up again by the police...I struggle into my program mode and look back at the officer and the tells me to move up to the drive way in front of my parking place. I tell him I am coming to work and he says, "I don't care!! move up to the drive way". I push and pull my self further into program mode and move my truck up 20 feet. This uncivil servant with an early morning power and control/trash attitude wants control and I want to get to work whose going to get their needs met here. He walks up to my truck and tells me my license plates are not mounted on my truck and I respond "That's because my license plates were taken off my truck a month ago during a police assault and are being held by the police. I add that the mounting area has been damaged so the "state" plates in the window cannot be mounted on the truck. He's confused and asks for my registration and drivers license. I hand him my citizen card to the Lawful Hawaiian Government and my Lawful Hawaiian Govenment drivers license. I left my truck registration to the LHG at home (duh) and so all I had was the replaced registration for the state which isn't legal (for long historical reasons which I will not mention here). He checks the "state" registration and comes back and tells me my truck is legal and instead of just biting down on my pride and ego and I tell him that my truck is legal in the LHG and that he should have information about the police assault on 11/8 and the pending suit because his main supervisor, the police chief, signed for and received one of the complaints. I ask him if he is aware of legal legislation that supports my soverign rights and he says "no" (a complete sentence) and I'm not gonna let him go with that. I call him back and tell him we all live on the same island and what's so hard about acknowledging and respecting native, indigenous, people. His face shows that he's just rather be an angry, cop with a bad attitude early in the morning but he does come sorta, kinda back to my truck and I say a few more things and then realize my pride and ego are trying to slip out of program mode. Program mode isn't about being a rollover or pushover for a place in the martyr and saint book and it isn't about retrying the victim role to see if I can get that to work again.
I recognized that I was pissed and tired of the bs and when I recognized that It was time to quit because I still have the time, opportunity and ability to turn a bad day into the very worst day on the planet and include lots of other people some of who didn't want to be there and many others who would be glad to take part in chaos and are dressed and equipped to win. I took my paper work...acknowledged that HP was still there (always is) and picked up my tools and went to work. I did my work and reported the incident to my government directors because we have a meeting coming up which will hopefully change the things we can.
You want to see OCD that gets a paycheck for it? Watch a cop...fear with a uniform on and a compulsion to use force.
My PTSD is in the upper regions now...and the only one I'm surrendering to is my HP...Akua...God; as I understand God.
LOL .. I know it's not funny to you Kathleen however I sooooo UNDERSTAND!! I have the benefit of taking my mother in small doses and working up to more often. I love my mom it's the obsessive thinking that really gets to me. We rented a Nissan Cube, basically it looks like a box on wheels. There is about a 9 - 12 inch piece (in diameter) of rug on the dash board .. I kid you not from the time that we picked up the car from the rental place to the day we dropped it off, every single time we got IN or OUT of the car. "What do you think that piece of rug is for?" Very honestly I don't care .. LOL .. I know terrible however I really don't care it's a piece of rug in a car I don't own and am using for 2 days. It could have been worse we could have rented the "american" car which I never would have heard the end of. LOL!! My mother doesn't like american cars and that's because of literally being overseas for a good portion of my childhood. At the time we came back american cars were junk.
I have a point, .. where did it go .. oh yes, .. I have honestly found in that trip that when I wasn't practicing HALT my temper was very off and honestly it doesn't matter that a 70 year old woman wants to know what a piece of carpet on the dash was for. It mattered to her and that made it important to her. In the big scheme of things it really wasn't a big deal.
Talk about control I never did drive and honestly after a year of driving everywhere I didn't care, if she wants to drive and she's a dang good driver more power to her. We were on the freeways of northern CA and anyone familiar with the Nimitz I don't think I would have had the moxie for that particular highway.
While we were visiting my Great Aunt she started answering questions my aunt was asking ME!! LOL? Am I 3?? No .. and I kept myself from having a 3 year old temper tantrum. I did say .. Mom, .. thank you for answering however the question is to me and that's not the answer I was going to give. This was only when she trounced my boundaries of allowing me to speak for myself.
Again with my point .. HALT .. LOL .. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired and I REALLY found that when I paid full attention to that I was able to really look at my own behavior and what my part in the situation was. She tried to control how often I ate and what time even at the hotel .. LOL .. those are about 3 other stories and you know what .. I could have bought into it and then it comes down to who's issue is it ... mine for buying into it or hers for being controlling? I vote it would have been mine.
I totally get where you are coming from and I have a list of endless stories that I really had a good laugh over 99.9% of them. This is the first time I've ever visited and been sad to leave, I mean crying sad. It's the first time I let my mom just be who she is and not try and change her into something she's not. She's controlling, she has her issues, however sticking to my side of the street they really aren't about me. I'm not defective. Really she's not either it's just who she is and for the first time I saw her, .. I mean really saw her for who she is and what I didn't allow her to give me as a mother. Maybe she really couldn't have however I know I kept her at a distance in the past. It's more important than ever to me to allow her close. Now I can see my part, now I can see how there were many times maybe I should have spoken up and then others that I didn't need to, .. lol .. How Important Is It? Really played a part in my visit.
Anyway, point again .. LOL .. sorry .. it's just I feel for you and understand the delima of a challenging mother. When I stop myself from trying to change her into something she can't be I have found that I am able to truly enjoy her and OMG .. did we laugh. That rug .. OMG .. she is STILL talking about the rug I think for Christmas I'm mailing her a 12 inch diameter circular rug with a note of Merry Christmas and it's for HER car .. LOL!! She is so dang funny and I have forgotten how to enjoy that part of her. The sad part is she's not trying to be she just is .. LOL! I got in more trouble for laughing when I wasn't suppose to .. LOL .. oh well, stuff happened that was seriously FUNNY!!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ummm, my story. Happened two weeks ago in a subway station in Frankfurt, Germany. We are from the USA and were just visiting. Being a tourist. By the way, it is a beautiful place, especially this time of year. Anyway, hubby who quit drinking, but now likes valium and ambien (alcohol in pill form), asks me when is the time of our flight home the next day. I tell him the time and ask him when he wants to leave the hotel. He says, "I want to leave in time to be at the airport by 7:30 AM". So I say, then, with the time of our flight being at 11 AM, what time do you want to leave the hotel? He says exactly the same thing. I say, let's go check the u'bahn (subway) schedule and we do and see the schedule for the next morning. So I say, then, when do you want to leave the hotel? He says the exact same thing... "I want to be at the airport by 7:30. I finally turn on my heel and walk away from him and say "I don't have to do this!" That was a new thing for me. I always thought it was my job to bring him back down to earth and force him to be all logical. We went back to the hotel in silence (1/2 hour on the subway). He went to the desk and talked to the people working there. He got his answer... and I was told we had a 5 AM wake up call (so we could leave the hotel at 6.) Ugh. When crazy people bother you, just walk away and say "I don't have to do this."
Just a big (((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))) for you Kathleen because I am tired this morning and my brain isn't working to form a response. LOL Need more coffee. LOL
Hang in there.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
