The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After another long day at work got home to the emotional roller coast I call my AH. He was 'up' when I got hom, agitated, hyper, I'm pretty sure he had been drinking. Then he swings the other way and starts crying after watching a TV show, it was a comedy, he said it made him sad. He literally cried for an hour and then wanted to talk it out.
In the past I really took those talks to mean he was ready to listen, wanted to understand himself better. But now I just think he is emotionally purging and while I pretended to listen I really didn't feel anything for him. It just sounded like 'blah blah blah'.
I guess I am just losing my patience having to pretend he isn't drunk when I know he is and I'm soooo tired of listening to the same sob story over and over about how bad he feels, how hard the world is on him, etc. yet he continues to change nothing. I keep waiting for him to get sick and tired of being sick and tired but it never seems to come. I still love him but I worry that my love is diminishing with my detachment. I don't know where it goes from here........Just venting I guess.
wow. I can totally relate to your last paragraph. I, too, have been worried that as I grow, I am growing away from my husband. I have been wondering about detatching from the person as opposed to detatching from the drinking...my sponser keeps recommending that I read the passages in The Courage to Change and ODAT on compassion, and i sometimes find that helpful. I remind myself that I don't need to "know where it goes from here", and that takes some of the pressure off. As sad and IRRITATING it is that my AH seems to stay stuck in his misery, it is an indicator of my growth which I am thankful for. I try to also remember that one year ago I was ready for the change. My AH simply isn't ready right now...Sending you lots and lots of support and understanding this morning!
This must be a common item. The sitting there talking to them as if you didn't "know" they were drunk. They have already stashed the empties and can portray soberness, meanwhile you feel like you are the one losing it. I can relate to the detachment, it is very hard to know that we are changing because we recognized a problem, however they seem to stay in one spot and sometimes go further backwards.
Hugs and support for both of you! Should probably add in some patience, it seems to take a lot of that. My trick for learning patience is to go grocery shopping and let two people ahead of me in the line up. Some people look at me like I'm off the wall, but it works for me.
thanks for sharing, surfgirl. I have found that it helps to vent on here and talk it out. It helps to know others will read my words and should not be judging me because they, too, have been through it and/or are following the Al-Anon way of life. It helps to think that way. My support is sent your way surfgirl. It helped me often to just say today my decision is to make no deicison because i think when youre ready to make a big move you feel it in your gut and its not as scary.
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Hmm-wonder is it wrong that when my AH was drunk-I avoided talking with him-just didn't like being around him when he was like that-would it have been better to lpretend to listen as long as he wasn't on one of his tirads?
My qualifier would also get drunk and then depressed. He would always start talking, usually about things in his past. At first I would listen and try to understand. After awhile I knew what he was going to say before the words came out of his mouth. I got tired of listening to the same old sob stories over and over. I finally told him I'm not going to talk to you or listen to you when you're drinking. I would get up and leave the room when he started. Sometimes he would follow me around from room to room, talking at me. Now when I know he's been drinking I leave right away, don't even wait for him to start. I also think it's just emotional purging on his part and I don't need or want to deal with it.
I love this board so much! Thank-you, everyone, for sharing - it helps me SO much.
As for me, tonight, I know my AH has been drinking, so I have already planned to go out to see a late movie. There. Done. I don't have to talk to him tonight, and I don't feel bad about it. I just can't handle the Blah Blah Blah and/or sullenness tonight that I know will come in the door soon enough...
Do any of you just get out of the house and go do something for yourself, like see a movie? (I'm lucky in that I can do this when I want, because I have no kids to take care of!)
Oh yeah, this is so true. I learned in AlAnon the "oh, so, and go" method. Say "oh?". Then say "so......" , and then go out the door. It helped to lower my expectations that anything different was going to happen. I could stall with the Oh and So while I looked around for a way to get out the door. And it is not always just when he is drunk. I do it now too when he gets depressed and wants to spread it around.
Orchid lover, you say your A wanted your "availability on demand". I was told (by another AlAnon) that I was like a toy on a shelf. When he wanted to play or talk to the toy he would get me off the shelf and I stayed right there and played with him. When he was done he put me on the shelf and expected me to be there the next time he wanted to take me off the shelf.
I try to not be rude to him. I do need to put my needs first because if I don't, it won't happen. He won't.
I can certainly identify with this as I did it when drinking and my Ex-A did it all the freakin time... That is the way alcohol works for the alchoholic most of the time. It's an upswing and euphoria for the first several drinks and then a couple hours in it is either rage or crying sadness...and then passed out. You would think the pattern would become obvious to the alcoholic, but they think those emotions are real. I can say for myself, those swings and the communication I tried to engage in when drunk was my reality at the time even though I now know it was 100 percent induced by pouring tons of a depressant into my body and being ruled by regret from the past and fear of the future.
Anyhow, you are on a path that is not easy and it does sound like you are progressing at the speed your HP intends. Growing apart from someone is not pretty, not easy, and not fun. In many ways, it can be seen as a sign of your progress though.
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 10th of December 2011 10:37:27 AM
