The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
72 days, 12 weeks, about 2 1/2 months I've thought a lot about this time frame. I figured out on the calendar that 2 1/2 months into my own marriage was right around August 22. At that point in time the biggest question I had was what would my next step be. The truth is I could have had my own 72 day marriage, yet I knew that this wasn't what I wanted, I wanted to know that I did everything I could. In all honesty because I was planning to leave, but wanted to give the appearance that I had given it my all.
I was newly married (I'm still newly married and I'm no expert I know), and beyond miserable. I felt that I had made the biggest mistake ever. I felt that the situation was completely and totally hopeless, despite my best efforts to remain positive. More then anything I wanted to walk out the door and never go back. I was so lost, so unhappy, so frustrated, disheartened, disillusioned, angry, confused, and my friends listened and supported, all the while wishing that I would just leave, because it was so ridiculous. I made promises in front of God, my husband, and my family and friends.
Looking back now, honestly, I'm shocked that I stayed. Initially what held me there was the fact that I don't believe in divorce, until it becomes absolutely necessary. It's a decision that sometimes must be made. It's a personal choice, one that you yourself have to come to. No one else can ever tell you what to do with your life, because at the end of the day the only one who answers for your choices and your decisions is you.
I knew that for me just because X + Y were factors did not give me a "get out of jail free" ticket from my marriage. I understood this despite the fact that I REALLY wanted it to. How in the world could this not be my ticket to hand off all fault and blame and walk away? I have written about my life and in reading back I came to understand that I had never been happy with myself. I realized that the key factor for why I was so bad at my previous relationships was me. I analyze and reflect through writing and rereading finally brought me to a conclusion, I was responsible for me. I started researching, reading, reaching out.
The biggest turning point for me 2 months ago in October when I came to this board. I began to learn about the 12 steps and I accepted that I am powerless. Writing that it doesn't seem like a big thing, oh but it is!!! I went to my first F2F meeting. I realized that change begins with me and if nothing changes then nothing changes.
8 weeks/2 months officially on 12/12 later I'm working to take life one day at a time. I honestly came to Al-Anon with a 2 fold reason, I wanted to be told it was ok to leave, and yet I also wanted to know if I could make my marriage work. The best part, no one tells you what to do they just share ESH. The most important part for me, I'm changing me, for real, not acting, not giving an appearance, but honestly and truly dealing with me, in a way that I have refused to do before.
I am continually working to let go and let God. I have to accept that I can't control, no matter how much I might want to, it's not my job. When people ask me how I am I can honestly say, Im content and most days full of joy. I like my life. I know that I'm blessed, I know that I'm loved. I still have challenges, I still have moments of frustration. I'm learning how to apply what I learn to life. Letting go is the most difficult part because I like to hold on tight and take things back. I am a work in progress. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am right where God wants me to be!!!
-- Edited by Jackie11 on Thursday 8th of December 2011 10:01:27 AM
I watched a movie about love and. Relationships on netflix(forgot the name) but it was basically about how every couple goes through a really rough time at least once, and that society does a disservice to newlyweds, by calling the first year the honeymoon period, when its actually a hard time with getting used to this new way of living as a married couple. Anyway, I don't know if that helps. I felt real hopeless about my marraige about three months after I got married, and I've been married eleven years, so how's that for holding on and hoping things get better? That's just life I guess. Maybe things have never gotten bad enough for a divorce.
How so many of us beat ourselves to smithereens. I was certainly trapped in the what is wrong with me number. I beat myself to a pulp that I could not make it work. Relationships are two way streets, someone with a substance abuse issue is not able to "give" much.
I have been over responsible for others all my life.
I'm so glad that you find al anon helpful. I found it very hard to give it a chance. I went to al anon decades ago and absolutely hated it. I hated that people were prepared to give up trying to control another. I was not prepared to let go then.
Now I am. I have to also take it one day at a time. some days are more challenging than others. One tool I find really useful is to work on being grateful for what I have. Every day I write down gratitudes and send them to a friend. I cannot tell you how much my life has improved since then. I've gone from catastrophizing to being able to respond.
None of us want to leave, divorce or choose to stay in a relationship where there is chaos and confusion. For some people the choice means things improve dramatically. For so many of us the choice is a series of steps rather than a dramatic action. I took a full 2 years to leave because I was so enmeshed with the now ex A. I had to be willing to work the steps in order to pull myself out of a downward spiral.
There are many many tools open to so many of us
1) Bibliotherapy, there are fantastic al anon books and non al anon books to help you through this time
2) Therapy. Therapy has helped so many of us. I know I have been to couples therapy a few times and if there is substance abuse generaly that isn't a great idea. Individual therapy can be a wonderful resource to sort out patterns of behavior
3) Utilize the program to the fullest. One great tool is to get a sponsor and explore that relationship. I can say its a great solace to have people around to bounce off ideas, take suggestions and more.
I'm glad you are here and hope you will choose to put down the stick and stop beating yourself up.
Inspiring share, Jackie. Its beautiful to know that all over the globe people are growing, just as I am, and you are.. because of Al-Anon. It is truly a miracle that I have grown in these ways you described so perfectly. I was so far lost and confused and convinced I had life figured out. With an open mind now I am able to say "Michelle, you are wrong.." and then move in the correct direction. Isn't it cool that every day when you read ODAAT or CTC or HFT other Al-Anoners all over the world are also reading that message. I love those books, they keep me grounded, and between those, these boards, f2f meetings, and my sponsor and Al-Anon and AA friend.. my life is changing. Glad we're friend on MIP, Jackie... I am grateful for.. YOU!
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
It is absolutely wonderful to know that we are not alone, and to be able to share! It is so cool to know that as I read my CTC that all over the world others are reading! I'm so very thankful for this board, and my F2F meetings!!! My life is changing and I'm so excited!
My first marriage, lasted 4 years and 2 weeks. 6 months after the wedding day my words were "I really shouldn't have done that"
Second marriage (currentone), I nearly called it off three days before it. That was in September last year. By November I was screaming at him and trying desperately to 'save' it. By January I was crying constantly and making plans to leave. It came good in March and I was ready to leave again in April. I hated him so much. He was ready to leave also.
I started counselling. In June I again was planned to leave and back crying and obsessing again.
July/August I started on these boards (ACoA first). I too thought that I honestly wanted to say that I had truly tried everything. So I am trying this.
September was my first wedding anniversary. In my mind I was celebrating his one year of total and utter relapse. I was not happy at all, but I pretended I was. He even forgot to get me a gift and rushed out to buy chocolate that then sat in the car in the heat.
Now..... It is December. Nearly married for 15 months. A few weeks ago I looked at my wedding pictures and for the first time, I looked at them with love in my heart. I posted them on here because for me it was a minor miracle, but it was inappropriate and they were removed (if anyone wants to see them, I am on facebook).
I love my husband very much. I think for now, I will be ok. For now, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Tomorrow that may be different.
In October I gave my marriage one year. I have decided to be happy and not consider leaving until after my second wedding anniversary. Be happy where I am and work on me. In October next year I will reassess where I am then.
I don't know what that decision will be next October. I have a year to practice being in this relationship. I am very lucky inthat I am not living with DV anymore, my husband is faithful to me, he does not spend all our money and he comes home every night. I am lucky because I know my husband loves me very much. I understand we don't all have that luxury. I am grateful at the moment for what I have.
That first year of marriage was hell. Oh PS.. since I started in Al Anon, his pot smoking has increased to daily. The only thing that has gotten better is me.
You are such a great example of it works if you work it!! Love your shares keep coming back :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My first marriage, lasted 4 years and 2 weeks. 6 months after the wedding day my words were "I really shouldn't have done that"
Second marriage (currentone), I nearly called it off three days before it. That was in September last year. By November I was screaming at him and trying desperately to 'save' it. By January I was crying constantly and making plans to leave. It came good in March and I was ready to leave again in April. I hated him so much. He was ready to leave also.
I started counselling. In June I again was planned to leave and back crying and obsessing again.
July/August I started on these boards (ACoA first). I too thought that I honestly wanted to say that I had truly tried everything. So I am trying this.
September was my first wedding anniversary. In my mind I was celebrating his one year of total and utter relapse. I was not happy at all, but I pretended I was. He even forgot to get me a gift and rushed out to buy chocolate that then sat in the car in the heat.
Now..... It is December. Nearly married for 15 months. A few weeks ago I looked at my wedding pictures and for the first time, I looked at them with love in my heart. I posted them on here because for me it was a minor miracle, but it was inappropriate and they were removed (if anyone wants to see them, I am on facebook).
I love my husband very much. I think for now, I will be ok. For now, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Tomorrow that may be different.
In October I gave my marriage one year. I have decided to be happy and not consider leaving until after my second wedding anniversary. Be happy where I am and work on me. In October next year I will reassess where I am then.
I don't know what that decision will be next October. I have a year to practice being in this relationship. I am very lucky inthat I am not living with DV anymore, my husband is faithful to me, he does not spend all our money and he comes home every night. I am lucky because I know my husband loves me very much. I understand we don't all have that luxury. I am grateful at the moment for what I have.
That first year of marriage was hell. Oh PS.. since I started in Al Anon, his pot smoking has increased to daily. The only thing that has gotten better is me.
I'm always encouraged when you post. For right now, I'm loved, spoiled, and I know that I'm fortunate and if this changes I will not stay. I refuse to accept abusive, or threatening behavior.
There are still challenges, and I still get frustrated. I come here because I know that there is so much wisdom and I'm not alone.
Last night he got high before Christmas shopping, I knew by his behavior. Instead of letting that ruin the evening, or picking a fight, I accepted that he is going to drink and smoke pot. I have to decide what I am going to do. For last night I decided to enjoy our time together.
I was in a relationship for over 7 years, the longest I have ever had. Really I knew in the first few months it was untenable.
I think now that I have had to review my attitude towards relationships. I am no longer willing to let them be the center of my life. I think that I will never go there again with making someone the life force in my life and my whole life, mood, energy depending on how they are.
I had that epiphany last night when I heard from someone who wanted all the love a girlfriend could give. That to me now sounds a bit greedy, all encompassing and not that healthy. At one time I would have thought it was incredibly romantic.
I used to count the days, years, months in relationships and I certainly refer often to being almost 5 years out of one. What matters most for me now is that I'm moving forwards and despite economic insecurity I am.
Canadianguy posted about googling toxic love, that was a fantastic read!!! I've also purchased the delimna of an alcoholic marriage and marriage on the rocks, they should be here next week.
I think when we keep moving forward, no matter how quickly or slowly it means that we are making progress!!!
This week, my husband has been great. Very attentive etc. I THINK he hasn't been smoking in the morning, I haven't asked, I kinda half looked as in, the drawer to his pot didn't look like it had moved (Iwalk past it every day several times). I didn't want to probe... ohhhh I wanted to do. I thought about it every day. The change in my thoughts is that I honestly did not want to know the answer in case I was wrong. Also, I did not get myhopes up if he hadn't smoked. If he smoked or if he didn't.... it isn't important to me... .he isn't doing it around me lately and that is what is important to me. His decision to get stoned at 8am every day.....
As I said, this week he has been very attentive and loving. Yesterday... he drove up the driveway, beer in hand, got out the car and his eyes were red and puffy. I knew straight up. No need to ask. I always tell him how his eyes look. Up to him to put the pieces together. He didn't say he has smoked, he said he had a few beers and he was tired.
OK. I carried on as per usual. He suggested to go out for dinner so we got ready to go. On the way, he asked if his eyes were still puffy, I said yes. They are clear but they are puffy. He replied that he had a smoke inthe morning, I just nodded my head. He then said, I haven't smoked all week. Again, I nodded my head. I said, well, maybe that has something to do with the eye issue. He said No I don't thinhkn so cos sometimes you tell me my eyes are red dn I haven't smoked. I just said ok, maybe you need to getyour eyes checked then. I did ask why smoke today and not the rest of the week.... no expectations in my head.. he replied that he didn't feel ilke it but did this mornig. He said he only smoked the herbal damiana, not the other stuff rahrahrah. I just nodded my head.
6 months ago that would have started a major conversation. I would have had expectations and told him I was proud of him and why can't he keep doing that etcetc. This time, he expressed no desire to stop permanently, he didn't ask for my opinion. He was doing what it was he wanted to do.
So yesterday he was half drunk and had a smoke. We had a lovely night out at dinner and looking around Xmas shops. Tonight we have my work Xmas function. He may have a smoke before we go, he may take a pill, he will definatley drink. What am Igoing to do..... have a good time at my work function and get a taxi home.
I know he will not abuse me, embarass me, he will be charming and personable at the party. None of my workmates smoke or take drugs. Flambouant gay men tend to gravitate toward my hubby so he wil probably end up chatting to the gay male nurse most of the night (not being funny here... I used to work in the area of HIV and Hep C, and he was very popular) who used to take lots of pills in Sydney and I wouldn't be surprised if that comes up in convo, but I have no fear of deals being made or arrangements made. We have no single females or flirtatious married ones so no probs there either,... plus I trust him in that area completely.
So there it is... I feel that is an improvement. He felt the need to tell me he hadn't smoked I didn't react. He felt the need to tell me he had smoked.. I didn't react. Until he does it in front of me, its none of my business
Knowing he will not abuse or embarrass you are key factors. I don't have that yet right now it's not a bridge I have come to. Taking that one day at a time.
This disease is baffling cunning and deceiving. As soon as I throw up a positive post negative stuff happens. I should know better now then to post the positive.
I also know I'm not where I was.
"So there it is... I feel that is an improvement. He felt the need to tell me he hadn't smoked I didn't react. He felt the need to tell me he had smoked.. I didn't react. Until he does it in front of me, its none of my business "
I'm taking this one day at a time, the drinking and smoking, I know he does, and will so what am I going to do. One choice I've made is not to react. Until it becomes my business. I'm working to stay on my side of the street!!!
