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My active A lies all the time, but his time has always been accountable for and he maintains that he has always been loyal and thinks cheating is one of the worst things someone could do to another in a relationship. He can be a bit jealous, but only when drinking. I've begun to doubt this now.
Lately he a better part of the day (right now unemployed and staying home with the kids) and then at night wants to go to AA because "he wants to stop." I reply, "well then you might want to try to stop for at least a day. Are you sure that's where you're going?" (then of course it sounds like I don;t trust him and don't want him to go to AA, which is not true, at least about the AA part). When he goes to these meetings, it's usually for 2-3 hrs, because he stays and talks with the guys afterwards. So I usually have to put the kids to bed alone on a weeknight, not always easy, especially when they've been wound up by him during the day (he yells a lot).
I've been really worried lately about my kids, just their emotional status and growth. He swears all the time in front of them, and today called me a "dumbass" in front of them and 2 minutes later he said he didn't.
I've beenr really trying the "detach" approach; I bought the book "getting them sober" and it's really good. Except now he says "I hate him".
Tonight he took a shower, shaved nicely (rarely does this for me) and said he was going to AA (he had drank maybe 6 or more beers). I made a non-trusting comment and then he said, "ok, I won't go." Of course he said, "okay, I' wont go." I replied, "No really, I want you to go." Then I deadbolted the door. He came back and knocked on it, I opened it and he handed me my car keys. I asked what he was doing with my car keys and he said he didn't know.
Did he take them because he thought I would follow him to see if he went to AA? (I did this once or twice a long time ago, 2 years ago, but I realize now that I shouldn't so I don't). Does anyone find this suspicious like I do? Cheating would be the final straw, the last deal breaker, not that there haven't been many already. It just takes so much emotional strength to go through a separation or divorce, and I know he would be the type I might even have to get a restraining order on. I'm just not ready, but I'm also not ready to be continually treated like a door mat. We have one good day, then a bad one, and that's how it goes. I guess the good day gives me hope, but then the next day turns to crap again. I'm so sick of it. And it's all my fault, although I do plenty of blaming myself and I've been trying to stop. I even said I was sorry the other day (which he never does and he has plenty to be sorry for) hoping it would spur him to be sorry at least once in a while.
I'm hearing a lot of different things in your post. Have you ever read the book The Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage. I haven't finished it yet it's a very very very small read smaller than getting them sober.
I hear you looking for an out of the relationship (no judgement by the way just what I hear), I hear you wanting to get up off the floor which is the only way to stop being treated like a doormat. I hear expectation of one good day means another good day which is great when it happens it's so much better not to put all of our eggs of expectation into an unrealistic basket. No one has every day as a good day. I hear a lot of frustration and I just wanted to give you a hug.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks Pushka, It's just been really frustrating because I am starting to distrust his wereabouts more, but I could be just reading into it too much. Sometimes I do think I want to give myself an excuse. I have come to terms with some of the other crap I get dished out, and I am one resentful person. I'm really trying to change. But if he were cheating, that would be it...seal the deal for me. I am trapped between wanting to stay and wanting to go, because some of this stuff is just intolerable to me and unacceptable. But I need to change a bit more on my part, and I realize I haven't done that yet. It's hard, as we are also at the brink of financial collapse, pretty soon I feel we will be unable to pay our bills. AH is on unemployment right now, and I'm usually the one applying for jobs for him. I have tons of resentment, but when he is doing good one day, I feel hopeful again.
I would just love to feel respected once again and not taken for granted. I also want a better example of a relationship for the sake of my children. I need to go to alanon here, just will dislike the first few sessions back in meetings because I will cry like there is no tomorrow. It's hard to be that emotionally vulnerable all the time.
HI I am so sorry you are feeling this way it is not an easy time for you that is very evident by your writing. You are very sure about the cheating being the deal breaker.
How do we KNOW they are cheating, I guess unless we catch them in the actual act, we don't KNOW for sure.
In my opinion, there are lots of things that are deal breakers, and most of us put this (cheating) up on the pedestal of ultimate wrong doings. For me, what is wrong wtih that is that I can always say "I'm not sure if he is" giving me a great reason to stay where I am and put up with all the other things like the things you say are "unacceptable and intolerable". In my head I say.. well.. he hasn't done that one thing that I have said is the final straw... and I don't really know if he has or hasn't for sure so.. I had better stay here and sort out what I am doing wrong.
When I first came to these boards I found myself judging my day on my husbands moods, what my husband has done, how much he has used.... now... four months later, I am not affected as much by his actions. I am still affected don't get me wrong, but not as much as I was.
I don't know if your husband is cheating with another woman, a friend, the bottle, or drugs, or if he is going to AA. I have no idea. What is important is how you feel. You say you don't want to leave and thats ok. Decision number one made for now. So.... what are you gonna do about the rest of it?
He will do what he is doing until he doesn't do it any more. The same goes for you. What do you want to do?
Been here and done this myself. My fearful imagination just wouldn't let me rest and the only thing that worked for me was concentrating on my own recovery. It wasn't easy at all and one day at a time it evolved...I was getting sane regardless of what she was doing real or imagined. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and for me it affects either and both partners the same way. Learning to and practicing focusing on my own recovery was best. How did I know? I didn't. I assumed and projected and listened to others talk about it happening to them and of course I feared feared feared. One of the things that fed my fear was of course the reality of how we got together...which wasn't legit sooooo what goes around came around. I worked thru it. It's all a part of the disease. and it sucks!! (((hugs)))
I have learned that it is not my business if my AH goes to a meeting or not. If It is not my business, he can't use it to manipulate me, either because I have no opinion about it one way or the other. LOL
Personally, it has been my experience that it is much easier to hide something from someone who is always suspicious. I found that when I got the focus back on myself and left the A alone, whatever he was doing eventually came out in the open because he wasn't actively guarding against my finding out. What I mean is, if he is cheating or whatever else he might be hiding, it will be revealed to me eventually. I don't have to dig it out.
When I finally found out that my AH was using again, since I had been spending my energy working my program and getting stronger, I had the strength and energy to do what needed to be done. I didn't need to hem and haw about it anymore. The answer was there and obvious.
My job is to keep my own side of the street clean. That's it. I don't work someone elses program for them.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I felt like the ex A was cheating all the time. He actually wasn't but my paranoia meant I snooped and snooped and snooped. I know that gave him all the power in the relationship because the focus was always on him. I did plenty of checking up, going to his friends houses to look for him. You name it ....I know that I was responding to incredible anxiety about his using, driving under the influence and more. Who can deal with that?
The ex A acted out appallingly in front of our dogs and contributed to their anxiety. He would have real temper tantrums and scare them to bits. They often ran away when that was going on. Part of the insanity was that when I went to look for them he always downplayed their fear and said I was makign too much of it.
None of us respond to the kind of insanity that alcoholism brings with dignity and grace. Those kind of situations are certain to bring out the worst in all of us. Detaching is an ongoing process rather than something that is fixed and easy. I know personally detaching around alcoholics is difficult. I still find it difficult and I have to work on it daily.
Beating ourselves up is also pretty much the norm because somehow we get into a mode of thinking how we should have, could have and might have responded. There is really no optimal response to lies, confusion and chaos. There is however trying to walk a line with the program and I know no one who does it perfectly.
I also went through so many last straw issues, the electricity being cut off, the phone being cut off, being evicted. The now ex A had no last straws. He kept on going downhill but he could plateau out at times for a time. When I stopped jumping in and paying bills that was a revelation. When I stopped looking at his phone to see who he had called that was a revelation.
Walking on eggshells is pretty much the norm around an active alcoholic. I crashed and burned so many times I lost count. I am so glad you are here and have somewhere to come to be honest and be clear about what you are dealing with.
