The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last sentence of the 11th Tradition says, "...We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members."
We read the Traditions at the F2F meeting I attend. I know the Traditions can seem kind of boring and unimportant. But, I can't tell you the number of times one of the Traditions has come to mind when I am about to act out in some insane way. Tonight, the 11th Tradition spoke to me at a meeting about the 12th Step.
I've been struggling with how and if to talk to my MIL and FIL about my AH and his drinking. I've talked to my sponsor and she shared her ESH. I've asked my HP to guide me because I truly don't know what, if anything, to say. And tonight, the guidance came to me and I understood that to guard AH's anonymity means I don't tell his story--even to his parents.
Let me see if I can explain: AH isn't in AA. He is active in his addiction. I am not hiding his addiction--even to his parents. He drinks when he drinks where he drinks. His story, though, is not my story to tell. I can only tell my own.
Tonight, I asked my in-laws to babysit while AH is out of town on business because I wanted to go to my F2F home group meeting. I only told them that I had a meeting I needed to go to. They never asked what kind of meeting. I made the conscious decision if they asked where I was going, I would be honest. If they didn't ask, then it wasn't my place to share my story yet. And the only story I can tell them is my own. I won't hide my recovery or AH's drinking, but I also don't have to wear it like a badge of honor.
Until I am willing to go to my own mother and say I am married to an alcoholic, I have no place going to AH's parents and telling them their son is an alcoholic. They will see when it is time for them to see. Until then, I will guard with special care my AH's story--what I know of it--but I will not hide his addiction.
This week I had the experience of listening (since it's the month of December) to wonderful people share about the 12th step. There are some great readings in C2C about the 11th and 12th step.
Thank you so very much for your share.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I too have found huge value in the Traditions. My recovery would not be as robust without them. They have been my saving grace more than once. This was a thought provoking share and I thank you for it, VVT.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I grew up in a family of alcoholics. My younger sisters was a classic alcoholic from the time she was a teenager. She drank to excess often, got ill, kept drinking. To my knowledge no one has ever acknowledged she is one in my household to her or to others. They all tiptoe around the story. They all tiptoe around that her actions and health issues are directly attributable to alcoholism.
In so many settings people are well aware alcoholism is at play they just don't talk about it openly.
I used to be very open about discussing the now ex a's addictions and alcoholism. His mother was probably an alcoholic. I work around people who buy so much wine that I can't help but believe they have alcoholic tendencies too.
These days rather than label what people do I do take into account their behavior. If someone I know is drinking to excess I don't try to 12 step them but I do take into account different boundaries with them. I do take action. I don't acknowledge it to them.
The ex A never wanted to get sober at any time. He wanted everyone else to get better but didn't see the issue with his own use. Needless to say he surrounded himself with people who felt in a similar fashion. Now I would view that as a trap. At the time I fought it tooth and nail.
I can still often find myself stuck in being frustrated around people who drink and use. I have had to learn to have a lot of boundaries. I think the 11th step is a good measure against gossip and charactor assasination. At the same time I'd say anyone who lives, works or has to deal with an active alcoholic often has issues and complaints.
I can appreciate you choose where and how to deal with issues around an alcoholic. Having a child with one must be very difficult. I know when I lived with an alcoholic/addict he was absolutely totally unavailable for anything but to drink and use.
That is what has worked for me over the years. Since I left my loved ones to tell their own story, even if I was asked about how they were doing, I would simply say, "I don't know. Why dont you give them a call, I am sure they would love to answer that for you" I then leave the results up to God.
