Suffering from the second arrow - Al-Anon Family Group

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Suffering from the second arrow

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

those thoughts, are head trash. Unfortunately we are our own worst trash talkers. Instead of allowing your brain to run away with those thoughts, stop, and begin to think about what you are good at, what you have accomplished, why you like yourself. Take your thoughts to a place where you have good memories.

BE GENTLE WITH YOU!!!!!

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

rehprof,

Sorry you are hurting. Reading your post immediatly brought to mind a saying that one of our members told me
" somtimes rejection is God's Protection"
I found that pretty profound.
Keep workin the program and keep comin back!
Blessings

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

What you described...literally telling yourself "Stop!" and challenging your thoughts...that is something they teach in cognitive behavioral therapy. In AA and alanon it would seem they just call it stinkin thinkin...or "the committee talking to you" and there are many different aspects of the program at your disposal... For me - It's hard for me to stop that train when it gets rolling. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the past and at times it has been overwhelming. I use my own therapy sessions, my sponsor, and I tell on myself and reach out for help just like you just did right now. I have also had many relationships and break ups and I know now that if I can get through the first few weeks after, the world will start looking up.

Mark

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rehprof

I find that if I replaced the painful ANTS (automatic negative thoughts with a slogan repeated over and over the thoughts stopped. Each time they surfaced I did the same and it worked.

.

I discovered that on my way to work each morning, I routinely argued with everyone in the place (in my head) so that when I arrived I was already geared for battle and the day went that way. Changing my thinking on the way to work by using the serenity prayer or a slogan completely changed my attitude when I arrived and the rest of the day followed.

Good Luck

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs, you've received great esh. Affirmations are a wonderful tool as well. I've had to sit in front of a mirror and practice saying I'm a valuable person who deserves happiness, this was during many times in my youth things could have gone a whole other direction.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Everyone...thank you so much...

I have a propensity towards depression as well..and the other thing I am finding is that the last 10 years with my AH my feelings were just DEAD. anytime i asserted my needs or shared my feelings it raised havoc in our relationship.

Now I feel EVERYTHING. it's like getting your smell sense back after you quit smoking in a way...I hurt deeply...

Wonder if it's possible for feelings to rebound after being suppressed for a long time...thinkin it may be the case for me...

Thank you all...I am working on "I am a valuable person. " instead of the self hatred and negative (ANTS) thoughts...

nyc018 · Senior Member

I suffer from depression too, and I once read a book on Cognitive Therapy. The basis is that our feelings are a direct result of our thoughts, and faulty logic in our thoughts contributes to our bad feelings. If we can identify the illogic in our thoughts, we can correct them and feel better.
Talking back to these thoughts and replacing them with logical and reasonable statements will counter the "noise." Remember that these thoughts are not facts. They just reflect fears that have nothing to do with reality. Remind yourself that they are nothing - they have no bearing on your future, they are just nonsense. You are a valuable person - don't let the nonsense convince you otherwise!
Hugs, nyc

rara avis · Senior Member

Hi there,

I know that head space you're talking about all too well. Been struggling with it too, I hear ya'!

Sometimes I can't make my head shut up, despite cognitive tricks etc....What helps me sometimes can be as simple as fresh air. Getting out of the house and walking. I have a dog, so playing with the dog is good too. And a friend of mine told me that once she was feeling really low, so she looked and found a woman who had a whole litter of puppies to sell. She didn't buy any puppies that time, but she got to play with them :) and got her own dog later. I'm sure she told the woman she was 50/50 on pulling the trigger on a dog at that time, so it was a fair deal.

I also resort to silly movies. Sometimes I watch part of one on my computer, in bed before I go to sleep.

Simple stuff like this gets me through the days when it's really tough.

hugs!
rara avis

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate completly. I like the two arrows metaphor.... nice esh and interesting post. i don't have much to add as I work on this myself.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello rehprof - my thinking probably isn't going to be much help to you - i get to feeling rejected by my ex - if he truly loved me he woulda..... ya know? And I remember nights of sitting here imagining him with certain other females I know and it just destroying me then. Now, I try to look at things through the eyes of reality. My abusive childhood stole a lot of who I was/am from me and it took me many many years to find each little piece and re-claim it as my own. Marriage to my ex took them away again - I look back now and I know that I was not the ME that I had strived so hard to reconnect with. He hated that I liked to bs with anyone I ran into, even strangers - at checkout counters I enjoy chatting with whomever is around me, about any topic and he would seeth with jealousy and blast me later with accusations (his insecurities, not mine). As much as I know I still care very much about him, reality has shown me that his idea of marriage and mine are just not in sync. I came to the conclusion that even without the alcohol abuse he would still really hate being married to someone like me because I want so much more from a relationship than the chance to fetch whatever he chooses and be the wife in the box he wants a wife to be waiting patiently for him to decide he wants/needs something from me. My future will include a man who sometimes likes to cook, understands that housework is for anyone who lives in the house and enjoys my company above any others - he will have to like who I am which includes the outgoing chatty cathy I can be because "I" like who I am. We will be partners. The man I married was not the man he was; the man he was is not someone I would even have wanted to date - if he had shown his true self in the beginning, i wouldn't have given him a second thought.

Sitting on the other side of divorce, I have taken a lot of time to really look at him, see all the ways we aren't right for each other. Right now, I have no desire to ever be in a relationship again - that will fade I'm sure, till then I am considering how to continue to find my own happiness should I find myself alone for the rest of my life.

rosielee · Senior Member

low self esteem?? this is when women go off and get boob jobs or die their hair isnt it...and it doesnt work. the thing is, its nothing to do with you not being good enough...its dues to not being the right time- compatability...etc.

i took the whole blame about my partners and I's terrible sex life...as he conditioned me into thinking this....what have you been conditioned into i wonder? when i look back i now think...oh my god he was bloody TERRIBLE....not bothered at all. the woman he left me for...she said months later "hes not interested in sex though is he" and i said "YEP...you can have him love"

rosielee · Senior Member

im talking abut this subject with someone thrugh private mesage...about how certain types of men are experts at spotting vulnerable women. if you are a ACOC then yu will vulnerable to all sorts of manipulations and distortions of reality. i agree that childhood neglect or abuse does take your personality away...then yu meet somene- you dont really know why you are... and you end up being the prime scapegoat etc.

rosielee · Senior Member

i have read a littl bit about it- the more we put up with strange behaviour the more normal it becomes to you. so it may be- that this man could have been putting yu down for many years...or doing disrespectful things and you have not noticed...those red flags stop flying for you after a while. and then the relatinship finishes and you are kind of left in a shell shock...yu have to figure out quite what happened .... feeling not good enough and worthless and not able to keep him- is just a deeply conditioned response and has nothing to do with reality. the best thing to do is be on yur own for a bit and build on yur self esteem.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The saying about the arrows really makes me think. I am reminded of the saying, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." I know I try to think my way out of situations. Sometimes we have to say, "My thoughts on this are not reliable. I'm going to go so something distracting." It's hard. Hugs.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

When pain is there it's so hard to remember that feelings aren't facts and it's ok to feel even if it hurts, at least it's a situation that it WILL pass. Today may hurt however at some point tomorrow, a week, a month it won't hurt so bad. Feeling is so much better than stuffing because it really means I don't have to stay there and there will be relief (which hopefully will be sooner than later).

Hugs P :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

There is going to be pain where there is a breakup.
It will be a time to contemplate and do some self exploration. Some of it may be valid some of it not.
The feelings that come with it are I think you are wanting to address.

Try to remember, this too shall pass.

Grief is a process. Also, what I am trying to remember lately, just because I think it, doesn't mean it is true.

Where is the proof that you will be lonely forever? Where is the proof that you were not good enough in bed? Is there proof to the contrary? Do you have to meet a man that is in your area? Do you really KNOW that ALL the men in your area jobless or addicted??? For me, I have to challenge my generalisations also. Have you been to everyones house that is single to know that?? Does anyone ever move into or out of your area (fresh meat so to speak)? I met my husband online and he was 2000km away from me at the time.

Perhaps the second arrow is one that we have control over when we remove it and then treat the wound.

Take what you like and leave the rest

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.