The material presented
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For those of you that have read the phamplet "Alcoholism, a merry go round named denial", my husband and I (my A) are in Act III and I've clearly been the role of provoker during our marriage.
During Act II a few months ago, I had changed my role. I entered Al-Anon. I made him get his own bank account, and face the consequences of his DUI with very little assistance from me. I stopped trying to control everything, became aware of the role I've played and am doing my best to adhere to the Al-Anon principles. I fail at times, but I'm working on it. I stopped telling him what to do.
So here we are, in Act III. My husband is mean, angry, in denial, taking no responsibility, calling himself the victim of his own consequences, threatening me, treating the children poorly and so on. He's also drinking. Not a lot, but it's there. The "little god" part of him will drink 3 beers and then say to me "see, I can drink just a little bit then stop so I'll show you I'm not an alcoholic!". He still verbalizes that alcohol is a stress releiver, for which he is deserving of given all of his stress and problems.
I don't want to get back to Act I. I can't take it anymore. I want out. I told him I want a separation, not an empty threat this time- I mean it and began discussing plans for how we should do this. I am not in love with this man. I thought I could stick it out and wait for the lightbulb to go off in his head, to realize he's throwing away his entire family but he's getting worse and I do not see this as a possibility ever. My detachment causes him to resent me for "abandoning him" and he frequently throws temper tantrums, continually denying things immediatly after he says them- and blaming all his problems on someone else, mostly me. I will not tolerate this any longer, and the children are deteriorating. It is very clear to me this man has bigger problems than drinking, and that leads me to believe he will never be a good husband, alcohol or not.
Just looking for some experience, strenth, and hope for anyone familiar with the merry go round, his unusual pattern of alcohol abuse (not the typical craver, unable to control the drinking) or anthing else you'd like to share. Feeling very scared, alone and in despair- doing my best to reach out and not do this alone.
I could have written the exact post as yours 8 months ago, with one exception- my daughters are all now adults and are out on their own. I tried to stay in my marriage with my AH until they had all left. I'm still not sure that this was the best course I could have taken, but it's in the past now.
My AH is a binge drinker. He would rarely drink at home and has always said that he enjoys drinking and is not going to give up something he enjoys and that "relaxes him." He got his first DUI two years ago and since then has stopped paying our mortgage, stopped going to his court ordered AA meetings, has been hospitalized for uncontrolled diabetes and has lost his business. I tried to detach with love for a good year or two, but it didn't seem to work. He, like your AH, resented it when I detached- which he also referred to as my "abandoning him." He also sees himself as a victim and that everyone else is to blame for his problems: me, the economy, the government- the list goes on and on.
When I left eight months ago, he told me he would stop drinking. This lasted about 30 days and then he started in again and then started blaming me for our breakup. He said that Alanon was "brainwashing me" and that I was having a midlife crisis and that he is the same person he has always been- I'm the one who has changed. (Hmmm, sounds like a part of the Serenity Prayer- I chose the change the thing that I could: me.)
Today, I go to my meetings every week, I have a sponsor, I am taking care of myself, I've rediscovered by relationship with my HP and I feel more and more at peace with each new day. Since you have minor children, your path might be different than mine. Trust in your HP. go to Alanon meetings, get a sponsor (if you haven't already). The next step will become clearer to you when the time is right. I attended two years of Alanon meetings before I knew what I needed to do. You are moving forward. Just remember, when nothing changes, nothing changes.
I'm thinking of you. I've been going through a similar situation but my spouse is not an A. But has those behaviors - very very similar.
I wish I had the answers too. I've not been very strong about it but I've been trying as of late to turn it over to my HP - daily I've started chanting (I'm not religious) mostly the serenity prayer. I'm focusing on my daughter and what's best for her.
I don't have a lot of ESH but it will get better. Be true to yourself. You'll figure it out. You have lots of support here. I'll be thinking of you.
the now ex A could go up and down in his using. He went to prison at some point (not while I lived with him) so definitely his use was up and down. The issue was as time went on his behavior and acting out was worse.
Getting out is not always a linear course. I had to write a plan be in order to make it out. Writing the plan be helped me to detach from the chronic unremitting resentment I had of him. It also took the focus off "him" and brought it back to me. I had to ask for a lot of help, financial, emotional and more. I got it. People who I never expected helped me out.
I am now 5 years out coming up in April next year. I can't say it has been easy it has been tremendously hard. I got landed with our pets (which he now claims I "stole" from him). I got landed with nothing he took it all (and then lost it). I had to cut off all contact with him eventually as he would be abusive, nasty and demanding.
I doubt I would ever have left without the help of al anon. I would still be in there enabling him.
Giving up on him meant I had to invest in myself. My life has been tremendously hard. I worked 7 days a week for the past year. I never would have managed to do that around him his self destructiveness was a great distration.
We are here for you. I know when I was leaving the ex A I posted here all the time. I got immeasurable support, kindness and understanding.
Sounds like my life, Mehere. The way my husband has acted and the things he has said has zapped every bit of love for him out of my heart. Finally, my heart can't deny things or make excuses for him. I'm seeing him for who he is, not for who I wish he would be. I'm looking at actions and seeing an egotistical, selfish, spiritually bankrupt and blind man. Right now though, I don't have the means to leave and support myself and children. I have to hang on longer until God presents me with a way out.
Along with the other replies, I'm slowly, slowly emerging from a similar situation. I admire your honesty; it took me a long time to achieve some self-awareness and become honest with myself. I'm now 5 years post-divorce.
Everyone is different, has different challenges and different opportunities. We each have our path to find what is best for ourselves. Extremely vulnerable, my emotions ran the gamut as did his erratic behaviors. I thought I fell out of love with him, then I realized I loved him, and now I know I loved the man I thought I married, but I do not love his cruelty.
Getting out was one of the most challenging things; I took a blind leap of faith. I kept debating with myself- what if it were possible that our relationship could be restored. I needed to turn over every proverbial rock two, three, four times to be sure.... but there are no certainties.
Although I was struggling to find any spirituality, my HP gave me what I needed even though I didn't recognize it at the time. It was much later before I could actually believe what I was seeing and experiencing, and then longer to accept that I am powerless to control it or help him. Now I can see the extreme selfishness and how he can and will go to any lengths to rationalize and justify it.
It is not easy, but our beautiful, wonderful daughter is doing very well and attributes her success to a removal of exposure to her Dad. Of course, it is her dream to be able to forge a relationship with him someday; but she is working on 'what is' for today.
I'm finally starting to find some peace as I move away from my non-functional comfort zone, rebuild, readjust my mind-set, and work on dispelling my irrational fears. I'm relieved to be removed from the constant chaos and I'm frightened how I'll manage in the future. Somehow, I've gotta make it work out... being willing is the start.
This booklet was the end of my denial * I had a part in this mess* phase . I too have played all roles described in the booklet . We see it when we see it , period. Your husb reaction to detachment is completely normal , mine reacted exactly the same way only diff was now he started the you dont love me anymore stuff , I told him thats not true but you didnt like it when I was trying to run your life so I decided to stop and let you have a go at it , so far your not doin so good. Not my problem . 20 yrs of sobriety later hes doing pretty good . hehe . Louise
i think- we all put it down to the drink- when in reality the drink is just a symptom manifesting itself- the drink is the tip of the iceberg. i think yu are doing the right thing- as its not yur job to carry his alcoholism and sickness on your shoulders- if he was going to AA this would be one of the first things to be said to him- that he needs to take responsability for his own sickness and stp placing it onto others- as the burden is too great for your shoulders to carry.
i thin yu are doing the right thing- as your kids are beginning to feel it and they have their life yet to come and need the support- where as this man is already established in life and needs to fess up to it.
Thanks everyone. I cannot tell you how much your support means to me. I am experiencing pangs of heartbreak and devastation- sometimes it hurts so bad it literally feels like my heart is being squeezed between vice grips. However, I know I'm doing what I have to do.
Love isn't enough, and no matter how hard I've tried and how badly I want a good, healthy marriage it's just not in the plans for me. I had turned over the fate of my marriage to my HP, and within a few days my son told me that daddy is mean and angry and that he wants to live in a different house than daddy. My sign from my HP? I don't know....
It's just so sad to let go of the hopes and dreams I had for my family. I wanted more than anything to be able to save this marriage and give my kids the life I so badly wanted for them--- an intact family with a healthy mom and dad that love each other and are role models for them not only as a couple, but my husband a role model for them for the men they will become. As toxic as our love may have been, it was love and it is now a love lost- a love that at one time had brought a beautiful child into this world (and loved my other as if he were his own) and I know that I must grieve for that loss. Even though the bad outweighed the good, I will miss the good. I know that I cannot continue to single-handedly run this marriage as if it were a dictatorship, only holding on to a tiny shred of hope that my husband will become a man that he's never been and has never given me any indication that he's capabable of becoming.
mehere80....you are so brave to be following what your HP is showing you. My AH doesn't go to bars, only drinks at home, never drinks and drives, and doesn't drink before 5:00 pm, so obviously doesn't have a problem with alcohol - it's all me. I think somewhere I read that it doesn't matter when or how they drink, it's the person they are in the defense of the alcohol their body craves. We are all in different places, but I know how you feel about grieving the family that you pictured. This is definitley not what I signed up for, nor ever pictured and couldn't have dreamed it up, but my children know that I love them, and the man I married loves them. But as you or seomeone else said above, he is not that man right now. Blessings to you and hoping your HP continues to show you the path clearly forward.
