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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> How can "no" have so many words...
Post Info TOPIC: How can "no" have so many words...
Loupiness


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How can "no" have so many words...
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I've been thinking about how a toddler can firmly and simply say "no" all by himself, over and over again, and mean it, but most attempts by me turn into a dissertation. The biggest cause of and problem with this, is that my al-anon heart and my mama heart do not play well together.  The program, the ideas, the simplicity... it all makes sense to me finally, but I sure don't do well easily putting it into action. Its actually what has driven my kids crazy, as I tend to have this wishy washy attitude where i want to say no or should say no, but I waffle around giving false hope, and then do say no but just made a torturous ordeal when i could have ended it right when in began with a single word.. Now at least I hear myself doing it.  It is so frustrating for everyone involved.

My other thought is this.  When I let go of my son and stay detached, I often start wondering if I love him.  I certainly like the calm and content feelings that come with it, but at the same time find the numbness disturbing since I am not upset, distraught and thinking of my kid all the time.  Once I start engaging, which I began doing yesteday, I am back in.  It makes me sad and distracted. I've decided that this is a situation why it is said that "no" is a complete sentence. Because doing anything other than that is not beneficial and does not feel good.  Why do anything else? On the upside, it is these times when i really feel my feelings, and I know, "yep, I love him".

So here I am, with a kid who is verbally saying to me,  "I want real life experience", and I am saying, "no, it can suck, I don't want you to get hurt, let me control the situation".  He asked me not to assume he is going to crash and burn.  Ugh.  Is he an addict, will he be, is he just a kid figuring it out, I don't know.   I try not to future trip on it.  He is a smart kid who doesn't know what he doesn't know.  He has an HP who loves him, and I need to rest in trusting his HP to love him and take the burden.   At the same time, I need to get more into the program and let it do its magic, cause I know I can't do it alone. Man, it is hard!

The following is a quote from Steve Jobs, and honestly how I feel about my son, provided addiction doesn't get in the way.  

"Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes ... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. ... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things. ... They push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the people who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do."

Blessings,

Lou



-- Edited by Loupiness on Sunday 4th of December 2011 08:33:59 AM

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tommyecat


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Lou,

Saying "no" was a hard one for me at first too.  I worked on this with my sponsor.  It worked quite well when I started the program because I had a 1 year old at the time.  As you know small children push and push until they get what they want so I had a lot of practice in saying "no".  

One way in which I found "no" useful for was when I was pressured to make a decision.  If I was not allowed the dignity to sit and think about the decision before me, the answer would automatically be no. 

If I was on the fence about something I would say to the person asking, "let me get back to you on that."  That way I can come to a decision if XYZ decision was in my best interest etc.

If I said "yes" to something I did not want to do, and found myself resentful about it, then that is a sign to me that have choices and I have the power to change my mind at any time. 

I look it the whole process of teaching my children how to come to a decision and stand firm in setting boundaries with kindness and courtesy.  When I demonstrate how it can be done in a loving manner and show how  I make decision taking care of myself first, I am less likely to overextend myself.  

Thank for sharing,

Tommye



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GailMichelle


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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHBCkINo--g

 

When I struggle with saying NO, I sometimes to review this short 2-minute youtube video by Sadie Nardini.  She explains why saying no is essential to you and the other people in your life.  Enjoy.

By the way, she is a NY instructor.  She has taught be a lot by viewing her youtube videos on yoga.

 



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rosielee


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i know about the wishy washey thing- until i discovere my son would prefer it if i could find the guts to say no first- and not at the end after ive reluctantly said yes- maybe..... i think this is normal for some mums then

sounds like your son knows his own mind and is the adventurous kind- all you can do is risk management- if he could keep his adventures to limits...i have known people like this-- like they just stay at cannabis...and dont touch the hard stuff. but most of us progress. but ive known some who have dabbled- dipped their toe in and not got burned too much.

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rosie
Jerry F


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I like this post...It reminds me of coming to understand in the program of Al-Anon.  One of the things I came to understand was this is a "me" program; for me to change me and not anyone else.  Learning about "No" was and is about me on me...the "No" is my decision and choice about how it fits in my life and the consequences in my life.   I have no power over anyone else because like "me" they have their own motivations and perceptions and desires and choices.  When I say "NO" it means I am not participating with them and that I respect that they have their own life to design.  Yes I would like my adult children and grand-children and minute great-grand-daughter to appear like they are using my experience, strength and hope and guidance rules to run their own programs and then what experiences do they pass on to others that come after them when I'm gone.  Knowledge in itself doesn't have as much value as awarness and experience which is wisdom.  I know because I thought and I did and I have listened to the experiences of others to verify.  The very best "NO"es I have uttered came after I had been in Al-Anon for years and had practiced what I was being taught by the elders including my sponsorship which was wide.  There were times when I have said "NO...for me" and followed that up with "I respect your ability to think for yourself and to choose your path and earn your consequences".  

Years ago I got a phone call from my alcoholic/addict son telling me he was in the emergency ward of the local county hospital.  I asked "what happened?"  He said he had been stabbed during a fight with another drunk, twice in the leg.  I asked him "Is it fatal?"  and he said "No he will be alright."  I asked "Do you need help from the emergency?"  His reply again was "No he had help on hand from the start?"  and then I ask "So what was your part in it?".  That last question is the inventory question that my sponsorship would always ask me about how my life was going no matter how.  My alcoholic addict son was able to talk with me about how different the consequences could have, would have, should have been if he had made other choices...Yes choices, maybe choices and no choices.   We still have these discussions at times and we review the whole picture...what we perceived, what we thought, what we chose and what we did and what we got from it all.  The tools of the program are always necessary in this life cause I am responsible for how it comes out...good, bad, or just blah.

"NO" is a complete sentence made after openmindedness.  That works for me.  I like this thread.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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