Hi

Its sunday morning here and I am sitting in bed watching cartoons, have my coffee and one of my cats and my two miniature chihuahuas here with me.  Hubby is out fishing. 

I woudl like to talk about yesterday and how I started my day again at lunch time.  I have learnt from here that I can start again at any point in time, and I have learned from my 'therapy' to identify what is going on in my head sometimes.  To talk about yesterday, first a bit of background.

It is not unusual for me (and I have writted before) to wake up feeling like I should not be alive, hating myself for just being me.  Hating my world and everything in it.  Since April this year, I have learned to identify this mood.  Previously to that, I would have not really known what was going on (no insight) and thought that I was really angry at the dishes in the sink, the fact that there was so many jobs to do around this house etc etc.  I now know, it is waking up with 'shadow memories' (my word) of past abuse.  Mornings were always the time when waking up was the start of another day to be wary of.  Previuosly I would just subconsciously have this going on and consciously argue and fight and be in a bad mood 'because of' anything that was in front of me. 

I identified this a number of months ago.  I was in the shower and I had arranged for a friend to buy my husbands old work ute.  She was late showing up and hubby wanted to go out.  As soon as he called out that he wished she woudl hurry up, I immediately felt my breath catch (still in the shower for me) and I got angry and apprehensive.  I thought.. why can't people do what they say, stick to time, now my husband is bieing put out because of me, I made these arrangements rah rah rah.  I immediately noticed the dirt in the shower and got really angry at it.  Why am I always the one cleaning, why can' anyone else help, here I am at 10am on a Saturday scrubbing a shower (bleep bleep bleep) knuckles raw from teh scrubber, HE never helps .... and then I stopped.

I thought.. what is going on here?????? I was happily in the shower washing my hair, and within 2 minutes (literally), I was apprehesive, angry, scrubbing my knuckles way, angry at me before someelse could be?? Angry at me and trying to make up for it by cleaning?? Trying to change my anger because angry at me means I am bad and wrong???

For heavens sakes, my husband wasn't angry, he just mentioned that he hoped they would be here soon. 

That was a change fro me.  I identified past abuses, past attitudes, made me feel that way.  I stopped right there and then and left the dirty bath (it really wasn't that dirty in reality), and I breathed.  I talked to my hubby and realised he wasn't upset at all.  I told him about what happened in my head.

So............. there is a point I promise........... Yesterday morning, my hubby woke up at 5 for his first job.  As he had a cup of coffe, I was in bed, my thoughts started to wander like the little children they are,, they shouldn't be allowed out unsupervised.... I had vision of my Mums ripped clothes from an attack from Dad.  I saw her smiling at my little worried face telling me evertything is ok and sending me home.  My going home wihtthe instructions of what to do if HE is home.  (Mum worked at my school).   Being punched int eh face by my boyfriend.  Antoehr ex of mine wanting sexual relations while I still have the blood nose from his punch.  Being pulled out of bed by my hair because I wanted to sleep past 7 on a Sunday and he wanted his breakfast and work on our block.

All this came flooding through.... I started to just want to hate and hate and get angry and depressed at the same time.  I stopped.  I got up instead and chatted with hubby for 5 mintues.  I told him about my thoughts.  He had nothing to say ofcourse as he just doesn't get it.  I got on this board and read good stuff.  I was ok, but there was an undercurrent

Hubby got home and we had a coffee.   We were in the lounge room and I could smell his pot.  I told him on Friday I could too,  IN a certain area of the lounge room.  He said he 'mulled up' there friday morning so I just thought I could smell remnants.  By saturday lunch time I could still smell it.  I told him and he came over and said he didn't know why.  I started to get angry.  It was in my face again... my breathing started to change.  I tried to remain calm.  He looked around and found a very small bud of hash under the laptop.  He put it near my nose and I nearly vomited from the stink.  He carefully and loving put it in his drawer.  I coudln't believe he didn't just bin it, it was a spot.  anyway... I got a bit annoyed.  I told him to clean up the whole area (which he did without arguing) and I walked off. 

I grumbled to myself and felt the anger rising and the cleaning urge start again.  The hate the self hate the hate of my life etc etc.  I can swap from love to hate very fast. 

The point is again... I stopped it.  I went for a shower and did deep breathing and said to self "self... you can obsess for 5 more minutes and thats it".  Stepping out this shower is stepping into a new day.  (I live in the tropics and its the buil.d up to the wet season... showers are frequent things)

And I did.. I had a great day. I told hubby my thoughts again and he gave me a cuddle.  I told him I was struggling a bit today wiht old thoughts.  again he saidnothing as he doesn't know whta to say or do.

why did I write all of this??? What does that have to do with anything.  I wrote it in the hope that others can see that it is possible to 1. identify what is really going on in ones own head 2.  Do something about it 3. Start your day at any point in time 4.  See how it gets easier as time goes on.

What did I get out of posting it.  I am still in bed on a Sunday moring when there is a washing to be done, dishes to be done, I have chores to do and I am sitting here and my hubby is off fishing and I am not obsessing.  It is to see myself in black and white and know that I am doing the right thing.  I can consciously remember 12 years ago, I would never have been allowed to do this.  6 years ago I would never have allowed myself to do this.  Now, I can do this of my own accord any time I want to and know that I am ok.  Nothing terrible is going to happen

I hope someone got something out of this very long post..... take what you like and leave the rest.