The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I had to walk home a mile in the pitch dark with high winds blowing braches, debris all over. I was all scratched up. Normally I would long to have someone around to help me through it. These days I am willing to wait until I can find the right person rather than grab onto the next available person.
With the ex A I felt abandoned over and over again when things happened like last night. Over and over again he could not help out, be present in any meaningful way at all. I got so sick of being frustrated and disappointed in him. I'm not sure if he ever really was able to be "there". I just think I wanted him to be so much I made it up that he was capable of it.
I think being alone is better than being alone with somone who is not present in any way shape or form beyond causing crisis, chaos and demanding help. That's what I ended up with. I found it hard going last night but nothing like the chaos, confusion and desperation I endured with the ex A. This was natural not caused by addiction....
Actually I live right by a University so there were a lot of people around even though it was dark. I had forgotten how hard it was to work retail last year. Now I'm remembering again.
I worked at some awful jobs when I lived with the ex A, laundry in a hotel stuff like that. Now I am on my own at least I don't have to contend with his crises, chaos and abandonment.
I am not counting on this being my last year doing retail but it is hard going. I would not like to think of this as a long term gig. Neverthless it is better than unemployment (my amount is too low to survive on at the moment).
