The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have learned to hold off on updates, because most often I have to update the update, thus I find it easier to wait, or not do it at all. It gives me time not only to have all the facts, but to spend some time just figuring out what I am feeling.
I posted that my son got in an accident. He totaled his friend's mom's car. It was my son's fault. Stopped at a stop sign, but then tried to cross the main street without seeing the nice new camaro coming. The beauty of a small town (and probably HP's doing) is my ex happened upon the accident right after it happened. He said he asked my son if he was okay, gave him a hug, and said "let me know if there is anything I can do" (not telling him that it would probably be nothing), hung around a short bit, then left. In that time, the "mom" came, never acknowledged my ex, spouted off a whole bunch of explicatives (directed at the situation), and handed my son an AAA card and said "tow it to the house".
The next day my son texted me and said he was going to buy a car for $1500, and could I help him with the insurance, just what was needed to make him legal. Also said he'd be making payments on the car, so keep that in mind. I learned a long time ago the power there is in just waiting to respond, so I didn't do anything. Then, that night he showed up at my door to show me the car he wanted to buy. A co-worker had it in storage. Good engine and new tires, so he said. $100 a month for 15 months. Also, said he had the insurance figured out. General's insurance at $25 a month. I actually just listened. I did not say that there was no way insurance was $25, especially when they find out about the accident. Nor did I say, when you are making payments, if you crash it or blow the engine, you still have to pay. I even stayed silent when he said the accident wasn't his fault cause the other guy was going like 40, and he was only going 5. Instead, at the end when he was leaving and reached out to hug me, I said, "I'm proud of you. You did it yourself". And he gave a big smile and said, "yeah, I did".
Now that is the update I held off on and am glad, because today I got this text... "could you help me pay for my car?", and gosh, he didn't even say please. His dad got one too. Ugh! I am sure you can only imagine what I want to say. Instead I think I will say this.. "I wish I could help you, but under the current circumstances I can't. You are a smart guy, I know you can figure it out". His dad asked what I thought about him saying something like, "mend your relationships with your family and then help from them will become possible", but I am thinking that sounds like a set up for manipulation and resentments.
The thing is, if he was living at home, working, drug-free and going to college, my ex and I would help him get a car and pay for the insurance (minus the jacked up part for the accident). But, he is not, he is living a free life, and sadly I do not want him home. I have to actively dismiss any thoughts of "if only he would do it my way". It really is all about his choices.
Aargh, this is hard, but I know not nearly as hard as other situations that could occur when he is older, such as those involving homelessness, jail, etc. (not to say they won't ever happen). All I really know is that we cannot do it. So, really the question is how to be to loving while saying "no". Any suggestions would be gladly appreciated.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou you already have the loving part down pat...just practice the "No" part. No is a complete sentence, I learned and love is the complete and total acceptance of any other human being for exactly who they are. Practice, Practice, Practice...Love him like God love him. ((((hugs))))
hi lou....i know what yu mean about updating the updates...lol
look, you are doing the rigt thing...when i was an addict i got no help at all. not even a fine pound note loan and when i went into recovery i got bought a car- which i still drive now and have driven withut accident (touch wood) for over ten years. you want it- you earn it. trust and respect has to be earnt back- you cant stay sick and then expect all the trust and financial help at the same time. this is the one thing my alcoholic mum has done right for me. lots of addicts get confused by their parents I feel- and i personally feel that they need a strong and consistent message.
when i was younger, my friend and i used to hang around ding silly stuff al day and not work. my friend visited her parents- who were comfortable and well off and asked for a five pound loan so she could get some petrol and food. her parents said no. many years later they said it was the hardest thing they did. when my friend decided to clean up her act and go to uni- her parents pulled out all the stops to help her- its just the way it goes. keep on doing the right thing i think you are doing well with it and this will pay dividends-
good luck!! your son sounds a treasure if a naughty one!
