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"But you should never be embarrassed by your trouble with living. Because it is the ones with the sorest throats, Laura, who have done the most singing." -Bright Eyes
I've been through the ringer, man. I can smile and tell you I am so grateful for it.
In May I had a miscarriage, then August 30th I had another. September 5th I found out my AH had relapsed and was lying to me for a year. Then he was going to AA and I found Al-Anon (I thank my HP for leading me here.) Three weeks ago my AH overdosed and almost died in front of me on the ground at Country Fair... I did not know he was using again. He is currently in rehab. I saw him for about six hours last Saturday and I will see him again this Saturday.
I have never felt more at peace with myself, though. I truly know I am worth it. I feel connected to myself and to God. I talk to him, out loud, all the time and I feel this sense of relief and hope.
I wrote a share a while back about 'drop to you knees pain,' I had never quite felt pain like I have these past 7 months. Not this paint... this pain in which you feel like your guts are being knifed out and your heart is just this throbbing ball that is sinking lower, lower, lower into our back.. pain so real you can't take a full breath.. you can't eat... and you definitely can't sleep.
But now I have felt pain like that and I can say I am truly grateful for it.. I am humbled. I hit the bottom and then I saw that I could release the chains which held me down to my HP. (control, worry, self pity) I gave it up to God.
I am in the midst of a spiritual awakening and I have found music has been helping me... actually more so this music has found its way to me.. my HP works that way with me. I feel this song was written for me... by Feist called Bittersweet Melodies:
Whispers in the grass Under slow dancing trees Birds are telling me stories Saying you were meant for me
With their bittersweet melodies Like a sweet memory Bittersweet melodies Can't go back, I can't go on (without those) Bittersweet melodies
Weakened kitchen floor Snow slips under the door Tiny speakers were singing Telephone always ringing
With those bittersweet melodies Like a sweet memory Bittersweet melodies Can't go back, I can't go on
I remember us beore we turn to dusk Just when these feelings were all about When we still could trust in our hearts
Bittersweet memory Like a sweet melody Bittersweet memories Can't go back, I can't go on Both of us singing that same old song With those bittersweet memories Like a bittersweet melody Bittersweet memories And it seemed oh so wrong Since those bittersweet melodies played for me
That part I bolded is exactly how I feel. I can remember the relationship I shared with this man when I could hang on to every word as if it were gold. I could trust him completely, I could trust in my heart. I will probably NEVER be able to trust him like that again.
But I have put my trust where it belongs and that is with God. I trust in him fully.. even when those horribly, painful moments are thrown my way.. because "it is the ones with the sorest throats ... who have done the most singing." -BE
If the only prayer you say throughout your life is "Thank You," then that will be enough. -Elie Wiesel
This quote comes from a woman who was put in a concentration camp during WWII
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Michele: What a wonderful share. I am so glad you are taking care of yourself. I have had many a year when I felt how much more could go wrong. I have also like so many of us felt a drop to your knees pain. I certainly felt incredible pain before I was willing to come to al anon and really try and be willing to let go.
I know the letting go of denial is such a difficult thing to do. I really wanted to believe the ex A was working all the time! He certainly put on a great great show. I also wanted to believe it was all "me" that was the problem.
The truth sometimes is very very painful. I know also that knowing the truth and being willing to take care of me was the beginning of a far better life.
I can identify with that description of the pain. Sitting holding myself rocking in the corner of the kitchen. Such deep deep pain that just suddenly jumped on me while I was making a cup of coffee one day. I thought for no reason.. lucky I was on my own, alone at home or I would have been committed.
I have not cried like that for a couple of months now.
