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One of the biggest struggles I'm having lately involves all the hypocrisy in my home. First and foremost, my AH's hypocrisy drives me crazy because he says all the time how much he hates hypocrites. He is hypocritical about his hypocrisy! LOL
Anyway, I am getting better about just accepting that his feelings/thoughts are his, and they are what they are. But I have a much harder time keeping my mouth shut when he starts berating me for things and he is being a hypocrite about it. For example, he works second shift in a dangerous job. He will b*tch to me incessantly about how it's my fault he doesn't get more sleep, and that not having enough sleep impairs him at work, and he has such a dangerous job, etc etc etc. Yet some days he drinks before he goes to work. Ummmm...hello? I am detaching from the fact that he's drinking before work...his choice, his consequences. But when he rages at me because he doesn't get enough sleep, it takes everything in me not to shout back "If you're so concerned about being impaired at work, maybe you shouldn't drink before you go in!"
So I guess my dilemma is that I have some success in accepting that his actions and feelings are his, but when he tries to drag me into his drama and blame me for things that he does to himself...how do you all handle these situations? They are HUGE triggers for me. I HATE being unjustly blamed for things, and it is a very powerful instinct to fight back. How does everyone keep their serenity in these situations?
The situation that you described is very familiar to those of us who live with the problems of alcoholism. The answer to your dilemma is to:
Focus on yourself
DO NOT React but Act. That means no matter what he says or does, we detach, take many deep breaths, say the serenity prayer and only then respond. Our response is then focused on constructive answers that have nothing to do with attacking him or justifying ourselves.
Live One Day at a Time Break the isolation by attending meetings and calling alanon people
Use the slogans and work the steps
This is indeed a difficult road that we travel and we cannot do it alone.
I had a situation this morning with my 3 year old son that I immediately thought of when I read your post. I made him his breakfast, which he "helps" with (puts frozen waffles in the toaster, helps to cut them into small pieces, helps to butter them, etc.). It's a bit annoying to have him help but I know he's at that age where he wants to do everything himself. Anyway, after he was done helping, I carried the plate to the table so he could eat. He started to get very upset and said "I want to do it!", meaning he wanted to carry the plate. I said, "oh, ok, here you go" and handed him the plate, but it was too late and he was sulking and wouldn't take the plate. I found myself unsure of what to do, then realized I was dealing with an unreasonable person who had unreasonable expectations. He's a 3 year old, so this is understandable, but still, he was being unreasonable. So after maybe 10-15 seconds of trying to give him the plate to carry, I simply put it on the table and walked away. Well, he want crazy and threw a full on fit. Meanwhile, I was in the other room eating my breakfast. Eventually, he tried to take the plate back to the kitchen but he dropped it and the waffles on the floor. At that point, he was more enraged and was furious. I stayed where I was, comfortable that I had done what I could to help him and realizing that he had made this situation and it had nothing to do with anything I had done. Eventually he came to me, still sobbing a bit, and asked for help, which I happily provided.
Obviously my son wasn't being a hypocrite, but I guess my point is I knew he was being unreasonable and out of line, just as your husband was, so there was really nothing for me to do. I could have tried harder to encourage him to take the plate, but I didn't want to do that because I didn't want to "reward" that behavior. Was it a frustrating experience for me? Yes, very much so, just as your experience with your husband was undoubtedly frustrating. Did I want to scream at him for being so difficult? Sure did. But ultimately I feel confident that I handled it in the right way, and that really helped ease some of that frustration.
I'm not trying to belittle our qualifiers, but I have found that the skills I have learned as a parent in dealing with our young children often translate so well to dealing with the qualifier.
I know when I have lived around alcoholics and addicts there constant needling got to me.
Most of the time I could say nothing. I learned to let it go.
Of course they blame the whole world for their issues. Of course it is never their fault.
Do you have the book Getting them Sober. For me it was a paradigm shift to get to having reasonable expectations around an active alcoholic.
I do think that detaching in the presence of an alcoholic is a hard thing to do. Nevertheless some of us do it all the time. We have to stop fixing everything and stop reacting.
I have absolutely no control over what people say about me. I know my former roommates made me out to be an evil witch. I can do nothing about that. Since I'm gone now they can't say much more because believe me I'm not going to visit them! I work pretty hard at not even walking by where they live!
Actions say a lot. If we do not respond in time they stop needling. They look for other places and people to act out with. Some of them even start thinking about sobriety. There is always hope.
Just because he says you stop him from sleeping doesn't mean you have to own it. I would just keep handing back the blame...i.e., "sorry you think I keep you from sleeping. I don't see it that way." That's your truth and that way you are not accepting blame for stuff you didn't do. You are not accepting emotional abuse and you are being true to yourself. The issue about him drinking is separate from blaming you about sleep. You have a healthy take on that but only feel motivated to throw out the comments because you are resentful over not sticking up for yourself when he blames you for things that are not your fault.
I'm not suggesting arguing with a drunk person...Just calmly saying "sorry you feel that way. I disagree." If you accept the blame for things, he will keep doing it. There is a way to not accept blame that is not nasty and is more true to yourself.
