Does your Partner or other half participate in MIP forums also? - Al-Anon Family Group

Jes · Member

Does your Partner or other half participate in MIP forums also?

stephaniej · Senior Member

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Sorry...just a little comic relief. My AH does not know that I post here, and does not use the other MIP forums. He hates computers and barely knows how to use them. Also, he would need to acknowledge that he has a problem to seek out support here.

But I do know that the subject of "does your qualifier know you go to Al Anon" has come up many times, and the answer is different for everyone. Mine does not know. I choose to keep it to myself, because it would create a tremendous amount of conflict in a situation that already involves frequent emotional abuse. This place, and Al Anon, are my safe havens where I can work on myself and my issues. I don't need his drama to infect these areas of my life and my recovery.

jessicat · Member

stephaniej wrote:
But I do know that the subject of "does your qualifier know you go to Al Anon" has come up many times, and the answer is different for everyone.

I really struggle with his. In order for me to go to meetings, I have to lie about where I am and that's difficult. I know he lies to me all the time, but he's the addict, not me. Plus, the meetings I go to always immediately follow the time I spend at the gym with my husband, so there's no way to go without him knowing. I am trying to figure out how to tell him that I need to go without him becoming explosive and upset.

stephaniej · Senior Member

I totally understand that dilemma. My AH would see my participation in Al Anon as all about him, when in fact it isn't about him at all. But today, right now, for my own sanity I need to keep this pure and apart from him. I am not in the position you are in, meaning I don't have to actively lie to him about meetings. However, we recently moved from a huge city to a much smaller one. I used to be able to attend a meeting over my lunch hour any day of the week. Now there are no lunch meetings, and I can tell that I am regressing in my progress. I know I need to get out to meetings, but there are a lot more logistical problems now.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

To my knowledge my AH doesn't know about this board. I was scared to tell him I was going to a meeting but I didn't want to lie. So I told him on a Sunday night, to which the reply was well I deserve a drink for that. I told him my going had nothing to do with him, I was going for me because I was tired of getting so angry at him all the time.

I went to a Tuesday night meeting first then the following week a lunch meeting. I went back and told him I like the Tuesday night meetings because I felt more comfortable there. I've been attending those ever since and coming here.

I truly believe that the positive changes in me are all due to me finding this board, which led me to my F2F meetings. I'm learning and growing and I'm so very thankful!!!

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH knows that I go to Al-Anon every Thursday and encourages me to go as much as possible. He goes to AA on and off. He wil go then relapse.. go then relapse and he is currently in rehab. He does not know about this site but he would be very happy to know I get on here because he is all about me doing anything and everything in my power to make myself happy. We are healthy in that way.

CamaroGirl · Member

He does't know about the board, just for the simple fact I haven't thought to mention it. He's been clean and sober for 26 days now and attends AA meetings daily. I attend some open AA meetings with him and he encourages me to attend Al-Anon meetings, but I can only fit one into my schedule a week. He's all for me learning all I can about alcoholism, and learning what I need to do for MYSELF while he is learning to do what he needs to do for himself. So far it's working great for us both.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

No because they are not in recovery nor do they have an interest in it. However, they do support my participation in this forum as in my face to face meetings as well.

For me what I have discovered in my face to face meetings and on this board is that we almost speak a different language. Sometimes that language of the heart if you will is a turn off or confusing to some.

Jes · Member

Little history from me, so you will understand where the ?'s came from
About a year ago I found another forum online .. I did not stay more than a week. I was just there long enough to realize I had found a forum of real haters (towards their A partners) Anyway I let that go and forgot about it till just recently when my partner chose completely on their own to go to meetings. I found quickly I needed to go somewhere for all my questions and curiousity's to be answered.

I have read and read here and I love this forum. SUch a breath of fresh air compared to the other place.

ok moving on I am in a Long distance relationship (5 yrs) so my/our life is quite different and easier in some ways than alot of you. However harder as well in many ways.

So the questions came from we are reasonably honest with each other about our activites In that I know about the face to face meetings they are going to and they are aware that I have found this helpful forum.

They thought it sounded like a good place and asked if I would send the link.
I am leaning towards doing that unless I saw some RED flags here in the answers to my ?'s

Thanks so much .. I Love this place

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

I have no meetings around here to attend so that hasn't come up. But if there were meetings I would go and I would tell him that I was going. He does know I spend a lot of time at ¨Alanon on the computer¨, but not specifically about this board. He does not go to meetings (again, there aren't any around here) and as far as I know does not participate in any online meetings or forums.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

MY partner knows nothing about these boards.

Lets just say though, that he did and he wanted to be part of it. I would say.. find your own.

What I say on here is not for his ears or eyes unless I chose that it would be beneficial. If he were to know and be able to read everything I put on here, then I would not ask the questions that I do, or say some of the things I say.... This is a place for me to work out me and feel free to ask questions about my life.

NOt sure if that helps at all.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with you, Lindaoakford, I would tell my AH to look for a forum for alcoholic/addicts because this is for partners of. I would censor my writing if I knew he were reading it. haha. That's just me.

MrsHennepope · Veteran Member

I'm actually here at my AH's suggestion! He is trying to improve himself and wants the same for me,he just wanted me to have some peace!

ythannah · Senior Member

My ex ABF knew I attended f2f meetings and probably had an idea that I posted on an Al-Anon forum.

Because he is quite active on some other unrelated message boards I thought the format might "work" better for him than f2f AA meetings so I sent him a link to the MIP AA boards once. He wasn't interested.

If he was on here he'd recognize my username instantly and he'd be following me around arguing with my posts, just like he did in real life, lol. "I know I SAID that but I didn't MEAN that" "I was only joking" etc.

sookie · Senior Member

My AH is so clever and undeniably sneaky that if he DID know I was on this board he wouldn't say so....just stalk my postings to get inside my head!! Ha! I'm not paranoid or anything

He does support my Al-Anon meetings though.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

My loved one does know I am here, he knows about the other boards here for AA and all that too, and he chooses to not go on those boards, but he supports me coming on here. He also knows I attend alanon and supports that as well. Your loved one could go on the AA board here under his own name and password, they have a great support system there. I have read there and on the NA board, and the other boards too, but just am only a member here now.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My exAH knows I go to Al-anon meetings, have a sponsor and have an online forum I go to a lot. That is why I changed my nickname awhile back and took my picture off, in case someone I know finds this site, i would like them to, but would still like to stay anonymous if possible.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.