"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

MamaBird · Newbie

24 year old son - 1 year of rehab/AA - then relapse

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mamabird,

I'd like to welcome you to this board.

We strive to share our ES&H (i.e., Experience, Strength & Hope). We don't give advice. You have your answers within you. I realize right now your thinking and feelings are all jumbled up. I certainly understand that state.

One word jumped out at me when I read your post: "Forced"

From my experience with my husband, force doesn't work. It might temporarily. However, force certainly doesn't work longterm. The person with the addiction, regardless the substance, has to want sobriety for his or her sake, not to please anyone else.

Are you attending Al-Anon meetings? Reading the literature? If not, I sure hope you will give some serious consideration to going to meetings and reading the lit. At meetings, you will find other parents who are going through similar plights.

There will be more posts from much more experience members coming soon. Keep checking the board. Posts will come. In the meantime, I hope you have time to explore the posts here. You can use the search feature, located towards the top of this page. I find it handy at times to located posts on a specific topic.

Please keep coming back to share!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Mama bird, I believe there is no one answer that is going to suffice for you. You already know that enabling is bad and you are trying hard not to do that. You also don't want to go completely crazy, ruin your marriage, and totally overextend yourself due to his addiction either. Nonetheless, he is your son and you will always want to help him help himself.

Part of recovery is learning to ask for help and to do it in a reasonable way. What help has he asked for? Has he said he wants to move in with you? Or has he said "I don't need anything from you."? It's important to know because the help you give may differ depending on what he communicates as his honest plans.

If someone came to me and said - "I need some money to get back into a sober living environment. I thought I could handle more freedom and I was wrong" - I would be way more inclined to help than if they were just minimizing blowing hundreds of dollars on a cocaine binge and saying they needed money to get another place. Let's be realistic.

Unfortunately, 24 is very young to be fully grasping a life in recovery. It's not too young as I have seen others do it, but it is harder because it seems every one is "partying" and such at that age and young addicts/alcoholics dont realize that other people are "partying" without going crazy binging and such. I thought everyone drank like I did when I was in my 20s - Only in retrospect I realize it was me always drinking more than everyone else.

Anyhow, can't make up your mind for you. I would suggest really praying on it.

Mark

sookie · Senior Member

I cannot imagine how hard it is to watch your child going through this and naturally you want to take care and help. At age 24--he is a grown up and can make his own choices, thus dealing with his own consequences, but that is young to face/accept a life w/o partying for sure. A relapse is not too surprising, although devastating (especially for those who are hopeful for the person's sobriety!) none the less.

Often in Al-Anon we learn that when we are confused or overwhelmed with a decision like yours, that it is best to do nothing. The right answer will come, as it is inside you like GM said above. There is no way to Control or Cure your son and you didn't Cause this either. That is his life. At times like this, and I have also gone through this roller coaster with my alcoholic husband, I often try to pray on "Live and Let Live"--to ease the burden and anxiety I am putting on myself worrying about a man I have no control over, so I myself can Live a healthier way, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And then to let him Live--he will only learn and grow by having to deal with his own choices. It is brutal watching a loved one destroy themselves making these choices, but the reality is, it is all up to them to change and given enough space, they can have some ownership over their own recovery and be proud.

Best wished for peace and making a decision you feel is right for you. If you can get to a face to face meeting it might be a great relief to talk with others in person.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Mamabird and Sookie reminded me of a personal slogan which an elder sponsor gave me during the time I was confused over choices on what to do or not do for my alcoholic/addict wife. "When in doubt...don't". That is of course when you have doubt about what to do next...don't do anything next. Get to a local Al-Anon meeting if you are now attending and if you are not go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call that number for places and times we get together to help each other survice the disease of addiction.

Your son might be an addict and he already knows all about that. He knows what it's like to be clean and sober and not using and he knows what the program says and does and what it offers to him...so you don't have to supply that Experience Strength and Hope...he already has it. The pain of not working the program is helpful pain. Often it drives the alcoholic and/or addict back into the rooms of recovery.

If you already have a Higher Power...God as you understand God...turn your son over to this understanding and step back out of trying to control the outcomes for him.

In support...((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome.

I believe it is the hardest when it is our kids. As parents it is instinct to take care of them. We are driven to do so!

Sadly with an A child its not the same. Same as marriage to an A is not the same as marriage to a non A.

No one can be forced into going on a recovery program. They may play along for awhile, might even accept it.But until they believe it, they won't have the strength or desire to do anything they can not to use.

We know smoking is wrong. But until we believe it, we don't quit.

Myself, I let my son go. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life. I had to show him I had enough faith in him, to believe he could do it on his own.

If we don't let go, they will never learn how to do it on their own. He has lots of tools now. It's up to him to use them or not.

This is not a curable disease. He will have to grow on his own and learn how to stay clean and on a program of recovery.

I am sure you heard how if we buy our own first bike, car whatever it means more to us. We did it totally on our own. Same with him and his health, he has to do it totally on his own to know the value of it. When we intervene we weaken them.

An A needs to find being clean, on program is better than using and losing.

Hugs, Al Anon is for YOU. It will help you to be ok in this process. Support you, listen to you. We are here to share our experiences, our hopes.

Myself, my son was 22 he is now 35 and has made me proud. He never asked for anything and still doesn't. My daughter is the same. I still want them to come home......

Anyway a positive is he did go thru a lot of program. Hopefully when he finds he needs it, he will use it. If you take away all his reasons to, he is lost. A's have to get hungry enough, sad enough, sick enough and more to want to do anything not to lose again. If we catch them, it only prolongs it.

Just reread your post. In my experience the people who got on program and stayed on the longest, were the ones who fell and got up on their own. They did not ask for help from parents. They went to their aa sponsor. went to meetings read the big book.

There is NO way for you to know if he is manipulating when you think he is serious. We have no way of knowing how they feel. So for me the best thing was and is, to let them fly on their own and figure it out.

Hugs to you both, I hope you can concetrate on each other, enjoy your lives, discover what you are into, and allow your son the dignity to find his own way.

I used to say to my kids when they asked for things,"Hey I know you are smart enough to figure this out for yourself." and they did.

love,debilyn

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey there Mamabird - you've received some great responses from the group... the only thing I had to add was a book - many of us on this site recommend "Getting Them Sober", by Toby Rice Drews. Toby has also written a book more specifically aimed at situations like yours, and it is called "Getting Your Children Sober"....

I think they are great helps

T

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"