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I am fairly new here and as I described in an earlier post, I have an Active A, my husband. Each day is up and down, one day good, one day horrible. It went that way this holiday weekend. AH and I went to a friends house for Thanksgiving. They drank a lot of beer, but it went ok. No tempers flared. Next night, went to another friends house, they too like to drink. In fact, they are german and have a keg that they keep in their garage at all times. It's really too bad, since I would really like to be friends with these folks in the future, and dispite the fact that they have a keg all the time, they do not seem like they have a huge issue, but I don't know for sure. Even though AH drank that night, it was a pleasant evening and went well.
Then the next morning, our ADHD son is jumping off the couch and hurt his leg, but not badly. AH started shouting and cursing at him and yelling that he broke his leg (our son has broken his leg twice and he is only 5). I was upset at his reaction and started telling him he was overreacting and that he should not shout at him like that. We have never been on the same page with parenting and I know I am not perfect, but constantly berating this kid is getting us nowhere. Every time we come up with a solution, he agrees to it and then a different result happens and we go back to the same place. I fear our children will have no self esteem in a few years. So AH left without telling me, he does this a lot now, left in the morning and didn't return until 4 pm.
Meanwhile, my Mom called and started prying. It's always negative about both of us. She is an enabler that has protected my Dad (an active A) his whole life. They came to visit in July (we live several states away) and I specifically asked them to not offer my AH anything to drink. Even though they are not responsible for his deciding to drink, he was doing very well at this point, but was still weak and vulnerable (he was in a stage where he had stopped for a few weeks). I told my parents I would put a small frig in their room and they agreed to this. The denial is so thick in my family that my Mom insists that Dad does not drink at all anymore, even though he had a cooler full of beer in the car while visiting and filled the small frig up and also drank constantly during the day with a covered coffee cup.
We went out to eat one night for my Mom's birthday and my Dad kept telling AH, "this is no fun without a beer, "etc, being really manipulative. Finally, they were being very immature about several things and things were tense in the house. I went to put the kids to bed and pretended to be asleep. When I peeked around the staircase, I heard them talking to AH about me in a negative way--complaining that I was still nursing one of my children and how they disaaproved of so many things I was doing, etc, and my AH agreeing with them, blaming me for all our problems. Meanwhile, because they thought I'd fallen asleep with the kids, they offered my AH beer and drank with him over the next several hours of the evening. I heard my Dad say, oh, we better hide these bottles so she doesn't find out," and it just got worse. I felt so betrayed at the time and hurt, that I couldn't sleep all night and wandered around our street, crying. I decided the next day to pretend nothing happened.
But in the past several months, my mom has been saying things like, "is he being a good boy, is he still drinking, etc, which just pisses me off. Then she always has to find something to pick at, "well why didn't you do this, "or why hasn't he gotten another job if you're broke," etc, so finally yesterday I told her that I knew she and dad had drank that night with AH and she flat out denied it and said I was wrong and told me that they were never going to come out and visit again. I couldn't believe the coldness. I kept telling her that I wasnt blaming her for AH's drinking, that was his responsibilty, but for offering him some behind my back and then trashing me as well, instead of saying something positive about being a hard working mother, something I needed to hear so badly. Instead she kept saying they didnt make him drink and dad didn't drink anything, and that I even drank something one day (I did with my Dad because he kept pushing me and by that point I was stressed, and AH was back to drinking and hiding it). I tried to point out that it was about me and the two of them, the hurt and betrayal they caused me, but it was like a broken record.
Later I told AH when he finally came home, and thank goodness he has been to some AA meetings, because it has had an influence. He said, they will never get it because they are German and don't think a man is a man with out drinking and they will never understand it, and with that, said he will never speak to them again or visit. I kept asking my Mom to apologize on the phone, but no one can ask for that. I always thought we were close, but after this conversation, I realized how much we avoid expressing our true feelings. I decided to tell her how I really felt hurt (something I never do) and I even cried on the phone (something I rarely do--maybe one other time) with my mother. She basically said, wait until I tell your father about this! (A line I still remember from my childhood). Next year it is their 50 year anniversary, some marriage. My mom has never driven, is completely controlled by my dad and is always given cash for groceries. Her main job is to protect him and she has done a good job over the years. I grew up Catholic and I can't stand going anymore, only because I saw such hypocritical behavior and out right lying from them and self-righteous BS that it was me who finally decided to protect myself and move away. Should I have not confronted her about it? I guess I was half-expecting a different response...sorry, a lot of anger is still inside me...
I wanted to add that this has happened once before, so I should have known better...right after AH conviction, he was still on probation and we went back with our DS to visit my parents and brother. I specifically asked both my brother and Dad not to offer him beer, because I knew he would take it (he wants to be accepted by my family and sobriety was new to him). He was doing good until we went to a restaurant which had lots of speciality shops, the women went off to shop, and the guys were with us but my Dad snuck off with AH and my brother. My AH later confessed that Dad took him to a bar and they said have a beer and he said I better not and they both said, aw, the girls won't know. I personally confronted both of them again about that one.
They came out to visit another time and this was when AH was sober for six months and doing well. I made it very clear...so they stayed in a hotel but complained the whole time and blamed me when the hotel over charged them once (I had to call and clear it up even though I had not made the reservations). So this time they said they would not come out and visit the two grandchildren--if they couldn't stay with us. (The motels are very expensive here), so that's when I made it clear again that if they stayed in the house, I would make it easy for them if they had to drink, they could do so in their room after they closed the door to say good night. Now I know better.
I guess they will not get to see their grand children out here unless AH is either stronger, or I decide to let go and let him get drunk with my parents when they come to visit. Right now I no longer try to stop him from drinking, he freely drinks in the house, and I will not do it again. I do have a limit with young children in the house. I'm trying to get better. The parent thing is a big wound that I can see so much clearer now. Maybe that means I can begin the process of healing, which means sadly, not being around my parents for long periods of time, which is impossible anyway because we live 1500 miles away. It would be nice to be able to lean on them and have their emotional support and to be near them as they age, but I realize I have too high of expectations.
This disease is beyond awful and ruins many relationships. They call it going to the hardware store for bread, trying to get your needs met by sick people. I hope you have meetings you can get to soon. I visit my Mom every few years and it is hard on me, but now with Al-anon I believe it is possible in short spurts to love her through her sickness and stay dettached. My Dad passed away 9 years ago. She used to manipulate my exAH and I against each other and just say hurtful and bad things about me to him and down talk him and his drinking to me. My family of origin is very sick and I have gotten better this last year with attending Al-anon and finding my sponsor. Have you read, "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, it is a great book. There is nothing wrong with making boundaries. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Sunday 27th of November 2011 03:03:10 PM
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi there, so sorry you have a lot to deal with! I have often second guessed my own feelings when people around me defended my husband or coaxed him into drinking, saying he didn't seem like an alcoholic. Unfortunately I still find myself sometimes struggling with boundaries - it is a tough issue for me! And those were not even my own parents so I can imagine you are struggling right now. You are on the right path to work through your own healing and recovery - it truly always gives me hope that we still always have the choice to heal ourselves regardless of how many disfunctional people and situations surround us
Thank you. I still have not heard from my parents and do not know whether I should apologize or not. Someone at work told me I should. Where should I go with this? I'm so tired of being the one to give in, even though I was betrayed and every time the subject comes up, I'm lied to again. A bleak future, since AH really has no family (he just got in touch with his real mother in Mexico) and we won't likely ever meet up with his family, and on my side, it's frustrating. Even my brother, who has had two DUI's and still drinks, but doesn't consider himself an alcoholic, does not believe my Dad has a problem and probably never will. He will not support me either with my stance on being lied to. Oh well, live and learn.
Have you tried any face to face al anon meetings? I have found the meetings incredibly helpful in finding some serenity and clarity. I used to feel like I had to solve it all right way and make quick decisions. What a relief it was when I started learning about being gentle with myself and taking my time in the company of such understanding, supportive people. Outside of Al Anon, I was given well meaning, but now I can see misguided advice. I know how frustrating this can get. We have 2 small children, and my husband still drinks, but my life has gotten better. I'm wishing you well, and again, I am so glad you are here!
