"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

atheos · Senior Member

Alcoholics invading our meeting!

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

is there an exec board or group of folks who organize these meetings? can they quietly suggest what the purpose of the meetings are to the interlopers?

Minaret · Veteran Member

I had this experience at a local al-anon meeting in my town that only meets once a week. I think this person had an alcoholic family member too, but he would chair many of the meetings and go on and on and on, talking about himself, more related to his past drinking than his current issue with an alcoholic family member. I was annoyed when he was there. It seemed like it took up so much of the hour.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

All I can hear, when I read this post, is the words of my wise old sponsor - "what is the learning opportunity, that this presents to you"

Tom

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

What I got from alcoholics in alanon meets was that I was too sick to be in a meeting where I was going to be subjected to the tough love
that AAs seem to be able to give and take with each other.
My sponsor said that she just sat and cried for the first three months. I thought I was in a safe place. But then a double dipper told me
she was going to be my sponsor and she was going to whip me into shape.
So I quit going.
And I let myself be run out of two other groups by similar behavior.
Not all AA/AlAnons act like that--we owe so much on this board to the wisdom and kindness and love we glean from our friends who know both sides.
I could, perhaps, take it now. But then again I probably wouldn't want to.
My theory is that AlAnons are more fragile than As, because we were conscious through it all and because we are sick with somebody
else's disease.
I can understand your newbies being frightened away.
Good luck,
Temple

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear your concern and know that several meetings that I have attended have held a Group Conscience and Business meeting to discuss these issues. The most effect resolution, that I have experienced is to reword the alanon opening. It should include some verbiage to the effect that this is an alanon meeting and members from all 12 step program are welcome however we request that when sharing your focus be on the alanon topic/. focus and that no mention of your other program be part of your share.

As far as anyone offering to be your sponsor and whip you into shape that is completely unacceptable. If new comers listen to the opening I do believe they will feel the love and intention of alanon.

I remember complaining about how some people behaved at a meeting and my sponser said:"If you do like what they share then share on the topic from your heart and others will follow suit " That also works.

Please keep going back you are worth it . This alanon meeting is for members who need to recover from the effects of this disease.

Do not walk away!!!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

It is disheartening to hear some people have walked away from meetings, because of others not respecting how the program is supposed to work. No one should even use the word whip towards you and when someone overtakes the meeting for their own cause time and time again that doesn't sound right either. There should also be a way to address these things without having to stop meetings. I don't have any other choices in my small town, but for the 2 meetings a week that are held and I have been so lucky to really enjoy the people in them even through their flaws and I found my great ol sponsor there shortly after joining, not to mention they seem to love me flaws and all. Is there other meetings you can move aorund to or a way to share gently pointing out that Al-anon and AA meetings are a bit different. I am sure there is a lesson here and just try to stay open to learning it.

kris10 · Senior Member

I agree completely with canadianguy!! I believe it could be a learning experience IF WE LET IT... See their side of things and maybe even get something out of it for the alanon purpose... We have to try to be open minded here... Hey at least they are at a meeting right?!! Also I'm sure the A could get alot out of the alanon meetings as well....

atheos · Senior Member

I'm really lucky to live in a city with enough Al-Anon groups that I could go to a meeting every day if I wanted to... so I have the choice of avoiding the meeting that seems to have this problem the most, and still being able to go to other meetings.

In a way I guess it is helping me learn to restrain my temper, because I have some very anger-filled thoughts towards the intruders and have managed to *not* speak or act out of anger, just remove myself from the situation...

But I worry about newcomers who come upon a meeting like that as their first contact with Al-Anon, and about people in areas where there aren't so many Al-Anon meetings to choose from...

Too hard · Senior Member

I am sorry this has been allowed to happen in the Al-Anon group you have been to.

I think one needs positive, caring messages to take home from an Al-Anon meeting.

Generally I don't remember that happening when the Acoholic takes up time in a Al-Anon meeting to talk about himself/herself, unless it is a stated shared meeting/conference....there is enough of that nonsense in our homes.

Good for you that you have had the courage to challenge this behaviour on this board.

You have already learned now what it does to you and some other vunerable partners....it drives them away.

Congratulations in recognising the harm. T.H.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Tom and Betty. They need to be welcomed like everyone else. Yet make sure at the beginning of meetings the rules set up so things go smooth. Starting with five min. to share on topic. Once everyone shares then its not so stringent.

We surely can learn from each other.

Myself I don't believe an A or Al anoner needs a different approach, I believe it is different person to person.

I know sometimes I need a kick to my bum and others a shoulder.

Myself I quit going becuz of kids being at meetings. It was not a place for them to be under the table, smashing food on the table, playing etc. I LOVE kids, but I won't cry or talk about things in front of them.Plus I cannot consentrate when a cute baby is crawling around and I watch her!

So thus MIP became my home.

I hope these responses helped. love,deb

danni · Senior Member

Hi Atheos. The meetings I attend specifically request in the intro that people not identify as members of other 12 step programs and to keep the focus on Al Anon. There is also a yellow tent card from Al Anon set out that states it as well. I'm not sure how these things get addressed, maybe a group conscience (I haven't been present for many of those yet)? I, too, worry about the newcomers, but I am trying to Let Go and Let God on that one. Hope this helps!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Atheos,

I just wanted to share that we have in our meeting opener the following language from the top of my head. Paraphrased as: "

"....Please refrain from discussion of religion, treatment centers, other 12 step and self help programs, counseling, or the use or mention of material other than our Alanon conference approved literature."

That seems to take care of the problem should everyone be there while the opener is read. However, so many walk in after and miss the opening. At that point the chairman is encouraged to interrupt the person who is talking about "outside issues".

For me what it boils down to is that when I was a newcomer, I dont think I could have shared what was going on if I felt like there was a strong AA pull in the room. I am not sure if I would have felt I was in a safe environment to share. Today I feel differently as I love and treasure AA members in our group who are double winners. When they share they keep it to how they work the Alanon program.

Great Post!

Tommye

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"