Relapse - Al-Anon Family Group

Mr44 · Newbie

Relapse

tired of trying · Veteran Member

She will stay sober only if SHE wants it-nothing YOU do will make her stay sober OR drink. Focus on yourself and your recovery. Try not to get in the negative or the questioning-find a meeting and start reading about the disease your family is faced with.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to the community.

An alcoholic wife is a cause for LOTS of worry, and you will find lots of support here from people who haved lived and are living with the same kinds of stresses and challenges I am sure you are facing.

Focus on taking care of YOU. You can't control her or her disease -- it's like trying to control a natural disaster....there's lots of good stuff in the posts here, too.

Please also know that you are not alone...there are many of us out here...and we can and do support one another through the madness of addiction.

Take care, welcome, and keep coming back.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi,welcome!

Does not matter if you can detect it or not. We learn thru Al Anon that her disease is her business.

We cannot control it anyway.

She is very sick, good for her for going to rehab! Every time she goes she learns more, and hopefully gets some clean time in for her body.

It's no different than any other disease, if she needs rehab twenty times, and she goes great!

We can learn to live with them and be ok. Its up to us. We learn skills thru Al Anon that will help us.

Their using can just be part of life. If you choose to stay with them, then we learn to accept them as is, drunk,sober in recovery,relapse whatever. That is not our life, it is hers.

Sometimes all we can do is love them. Remove ourselves from the room whatever. We learn to naturally go read or play golf,watch a movie. make a meal for another day, whatever. If things are wonky and uncomfy, we go find our own space and make it ok.

We work our program to be able to stay. Or we try to fight it, control it etc and make it worse. or we leave or they do.

It really works. Meetings are very helpful.

I hope you find some peace. We are here to help. love,debilyn

tired of trying · Veteran Member

great post-I too am in the process of trying to live with my AH, sober, in recovery or during relaspe-did this before-more for my daughter-now relearning, remembering for myself this time-love you all

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Mr 44,

First of all, welcome to MIP. I am so glad you found us. Please stick around and get to know us awhile. I think you will find that there are many of us who understand your problems as few others could.

My experience is I do not have the power to get my loved ones drunk or sober. The three C's come to mind here. You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, You cannot Cure it. I only can control my attitudes, actions, and be responsible for my inner being.

For me what worked was I began a program of recovery for myself regardless of what my spouse was doing. I went to face to face meetings, got a sponsor and worked the steps with her and still do.

When I was able to change the things I could and put down the magnifying glass and pick up a mirror, I handed my spouses choices and consequences back to them. I gave him the dignity to rise to the occasion or stumble and fall having him clean up his own mess.

Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress, for me and my spouse. Nothing changes if nothing changes. When I was ready to do something different, I got different results. That is why I decided to go to alanon. Not because I wanted to, because I needed to.

Glad you are here. Please keep coming back. I would appreciate the opportunity to get to know you better.

In support,

Tommye

danni · Senior Member

Welcome Mr44! This must be incredibly painful for you. My AH still drinks, and I know how intense the fear and suspicion can get. What helps me tremendously is attending face to face al anon meetings. I have been going for a year now, and I cannot imagine going through this without the experience, strength, and hope of others. I have found the al anon community, here and in person, to be so very kind, loving, understanding, and non judgemental. I am so glad you found us here, and I hope you will keep coming back. Take care.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I would say Alanon is the best help for you.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome! You have received great ESH already and I just want to shadow others in saying I hope you find a face to face Al-anon meeting. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Mr.44,

I sure can relate to your post.

My husband went through 3 rehabs within the last 3 years. Third time appears to be the charm; however, I know there are no guarantees that he will continue a solid AA program. But there is one guarantee for me: I can be happy regardless what he chooses to do.

I discovered this guarantee at Al-Anon meetings. If one practices the program, things will get better.

I avoided meetings like the plague. I attended one as the last resort. I could have saved myself a lot of grief & time had I not been so stubborn.

My husband is 60 and had been drinking since he was around 15. A few years back I had given up ALL hope. I truly believed he wouldn't stop drinking, let alone go faithfully to AA.

I now believe that it's never too late. If the problem drinker is still breathing, there is hope. My husband was knocking on death's door the 3rd time he entered a rehab. That's what it took him to wake up. I hope he stays awake.

MIP is a great place to learn and share. However, face-to-face meetings can take you to the next level.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.