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that alcoholics are basically inept people- defunct and incapable of relationships that are healthy and nurturing- (well- in my experience that is) and when the result of this manifests itself...they go on the attack. its not really the fact that youve left your cereal bowl out and havent washed it up- you are not really a slob- what it is- is that the alcoholic is cross- as they cant pin you down and control you- their loved ones are busy living their own lives as bst they can and the world isnt spinning round the alcoholic- as they have to be the centre of the universe. so they go onto the attack.
My mum- shes been sober 20 years- and has made huge strides- but in some ways- certain things still manifest and rear their ugly head. people arent there to be controlled- if you want people in yur life yu have to take an interest in them and not just use them to fulfill your needs. people arent in your life out of duty,,, they always have free will.
i think my mu is in for another shock- that i see her and chat to her but cant be controlled. and the fake illnesses- the black mail- the favours,,,it still wont control me. if somene wants to speak to me on the phone then they have to have a proper conversation- im not here to prop anyone up- to listen or to tolerate. i want a proper healthy connection....or no connection at all.
my mum thinks she can go back to controlling- now that she been ill and needs her cleaning doing...its her chance to get into the limelight and get the attention she craves and to feed her entitlement. so shed rather give me money for cleaning- so she can tell me how to do it- how she likes things done- and then can pick and gripe if an ornament is out of place by one inch.
but im kind of ahead of the game....as ill clean and leave the money behind....so my helping her is a gift and not a barter....that she will pay so can then start pulling the puppet strings
as my strings are cut....they were cut years ago as she didnt pull them correctly, and now i am living my life as it should be lived...painting and selling my paintings...shipping them off to people over the world- developing and growing as a person and if she has a gripe with this- she needs to look at herself - not me.
and quite frankly....if she tells me how she likes her bed turned over a certain way...just one more time.....im not only going to die of complete BOREDOM..but i couldnt care less. i have my own friggin bed that would like to be looking a certain way. Unfortunately i got my own life and cant be pinned down for long about the intracacies of how sh likes her rooms to look. i am well past doing her chores and playing fiddle to her tune.
ok, ive had a re-think....im going to try and be more patient and tolerant. if talking about her bed covers repeatedly is the only way she can be near people and communicate then i need t recognise this- its a lonely place for some people- being them (and i aint prefect either.....oh- so far from it)
but it will be a fine line between understaing and not letting her control or dominate me...because im not the little servant girl. know what i mean? it would be easier...if she wanted more attention and to have more company...if she could engage in conversation a bit more that doesnt spin around her needs...thats all im saying. she would find herself with support without having to manipulate it- because i would want to phone her up and chat.....
but it is what it is. ill try and give her some special treatmen...put a little bunch of flowers in her room or somehting. its so hard when your life is difficult as it is- i can barely look after myself let alone anyone else...and when someone puts a lot of store into it.....
anyhooo.........the controlling thing...still drives me nuts...talking about times- dates and meeting places.....argh- yuk. but then thats her condition of BPD and i got to keep trying to take this into consideration.....
(so its 2 pm you are coming then.....or maybe sooner? yu should park you car- out by the left...not out the back.....out the front....but make sure its an inch from the curb...and the windscreen wiper is slighty the left...oh and when you come in...dont frget you key.............) lol
Keep your serenity prayer filter on when dealing with her. Just visualize insanity flying by you and away from you and the true feelings in your heart and hers coming in. You seem to have the filter to recognize what is her sickness how some of her needs are normal and healthy and some aren't.
You also seem to recognize she doesn't do some of this stuff with the intent of being evil but rather it's just her personality disorder. Doesn't mean you have to buy into it, but doesn't mean you are totally unsympathetic either.
I guess it's just an ongoing balancing act between boundaries and compassion...same as all of us have with our qualifiers.
Gee Rosie, do you know my 1st ex mother in law? She's the same way, and I feel for her, to be so unhappy in her own world, a world of her making. She does EVERYTHING right (so everybody else does it wrong), will remake the bed after you make it (so you don't bother making it anymore) and I think even if we were to spend the hours necessary for me to learn bed making her way she would STILL readust things after I was done. She has chased away everybody because she is like a tape recorded lecture on everything - she will roll from one topic to the next and all you are required to do is say, yeah, uh huh, oh i know, yes you are right. I've tried to talk her into volunteering to work with other seniors, reading to them, talking etc. but she won't fill out the paperwork, is aghast that they want to fingerprint and background check her in order to be accepted and how dare they try to lock her into a specific time/date to volunteer. I tend to avoid her which only makes it worse because she really is really lonely but there is only so much of the one sided conversation type of talking I can do - to be told everytime i throw something away that she recycles and watch her dig it out of the can then lecture about it; poor supermarket checkers who are just doing their job - they get told that employees are lazy and don't do it the old fashioned way, don't catch mistakes, and if someone is going to get a mistake it is going to be her and oh no, how dare the employee tell her to "have a nice day" because then they get the lecture that they don't really mean it, it is just a canned phrase they HAVE to say; you can't eat around her because she will go on and on about the fat content, how unhealthy it is, how much healthier what she eats is (then load you up with sweets to take home, sweets you don't eat because you don't like em but who cares what you like since she knows so much better???)
I can OH SO definately relate to having to deal with this difficult personality type of person. My luck is she is an ex, though i still relate to her and care for her but I do feel sympathy for my ex and his current girlfriend - nothing she does is right and she tries SO hard to please her, but you can't please her and HE tries to tell gf not to even try.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
oh my crikey- yes- uh huh- thats it. yur mum in law sounds the same......thanks pink chip about that serentiy prayer thing....i think its where i am tired- not sleeping well and my compassion just goes amiss. however- my mum just rang up just now and i had a full five minutes of saying "yes." or "no". she just collars people into being listening vessels.....and i think she knows that she does it- but gets gratification doing it so continues....but wouldnt we all love to do that? I know id love to talk the hind legs off of all the donkeys round here and talk about myself and issues with me.... its really sad...i hear the phone bleeting....going "bleet- bleet" and i know as soon as i pick up there will be a torrent of words coming my way that i have to listen to. id love an "organic" conversation- where she says...hi ya...whats up......
oh well. the compassion part is really hard when im tired and REALLY irritable through tablet reducing. but ive just got to try and do it....because she knows no other way.
It appears that your mother was dealt a "double whammy." She has a problem with alcohol AND she has BPD.
From your previous posts, I gather that she has not gotten help with her BPD. If this is the case, it is likely that she will continue to be the center of her universe and expect you to place her in the center of yours too.
As you know my mother suffered from BPD too. She never sought help and her life appeared very difficult for her. I use the solar system to describe my relationship with my mother & siblings. My mother was the sun and her children were the planets who revolved around her (the sun). The planets never visited each other. The planets' perceived "source" (aka HP) was the sun (Mom). My dad was kicked out of this solar system long, long ago.
The last year or so of my mother's life, she was no longer my "source." This disturbed her greatly. She did not understand, nor did I expect her to. I accepted this harsh fact (her incapable of understanding me).
As a child of a BPD parent, I experienced a lot of pain too. However, I finally found some sense of relief and peace. Before Al-Anon, I did my thing without her approval, but I carried loads of guilt.
Fortunately, I found that applying the principles that Al-Anon teaches helped tremendously when she was alive and continues to help whenever the past creeps into my thoughts. So far her prediction for my future has not come true: She often told me that I was going to be so sorry when she died because I did not treat her well. (I realize she was not well.) So I let it go.
The Serenity Prayer pretty much sums provides the solution.
...accept the things I cannot change
...courage to change the things I can
...wisdom to know the difference
From 1 daughter of a BPD parent to another: Please don't take what she says or does personally. I did for most of my life - But I now see that it was never about me.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
