The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sorry I am new here I just had to reach out to someone.
Where to start. The man I love is an alcoholic. We met 10 years ago and built a bond like no other I have had before or after. We have a deep and loving friendship and a deeper loving and caring for each other. When we first met he didnt drink. Once he tried it he could socially drink but things got bad quick. Sense then he has been locked up for many things he has done while drinking. The most current time was for 4 years. I have walked out of his life a few times before the longest being 6 months with no contact. I was hoping and praying it may be a wake up call or that I could fall out of love with him and finally move on. He is aware he has a problem with drinking but doesnt see he has a reason to quit. He believes he is a failure and that he has already suck so low drinking wont make a difference. He gets upset that everyone he once new is living life and growing up while he is stuck in jail and doesnt see that alcohol is the only thing holding him back. For now while he is in jail we talk over the phone. He is very honest with me about his drinking because I do not get angry with him for it. I accept that this is his struggle and he has to find his own way. I accept and love him even with all his flaws but it kills me to see him killing himself. I know he only has two choices if he continues and that is back to prison or death. I love him with all I am but I am afraid I may love him to death. I am so unsure what to do. Part of me thinks I should walk away but I know I would live with regret and pain the rest of my life. Part of me wants to stand by his side until he finds his way but I am not sure he ever will. I know he wants to get sober but he cant find a reason to fight. I just dont know what is best for me or what is best for him. I feel that no matter what I do I will experience great pain and I believe living without him would be worse pain than waiting while he finds his way. Please help. I am hurting deeply. I am not sure how to stop the pain.
I think you found the right place. Alanon is for you and will not fix the alcoholic. Remember you didn't cuse it, you can't control it and you cant cotrol it. However you may be contributing to certain behaviors. Alalonon gradually peace and serenity into your life. With working the steps and attending meetings your decisions will become clear. Some couples make it and others dont bu the clarity your looking for will be found in alanon. if you can attend ftf meetings it would be very helpful.. I'll thinking of you.
Hi (lost))) and welcome! So glad you found us. You said, "I don't know what's best for him or what's best for me." You'll never know what's best for him, only he can figure that out. You have to figure out what's best for YOU, and the things you'll learn through al-anon- the literature, books, meetings, this site- are all geared to help you decide what that is. You also said that you felt no matter what you do, you'll experience great pain. Please know that doesn't have to be. Whether you stay with him or not, you CAN find peace, contentment, even joy in your life again. If there any al-anon meetings in your area, please try to make it to one. This site is also a great source of information, comfort, and support from people who know exactly what you're going through. There are a lot of great books that vie found very helpful, especially 'Marriage on the Rocks' by Janet Woititz.
Keep posting!
Denise
__________________
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Aloha LostinLove...welcome to the board and I also suggest finding the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call for the meeting places and times we get together. The hotline number for AA Central Office might also be in the book and though you didn't cause the alcoholism and cannot cure or control it you might call that number also and see if they do meetings in the jail he is in. AA will bring the message to him. That is probably the best you can do other than "love anyway" and then Let go and Let God. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I am so glad you found us. I do so hope you will continue to post as I just love to get to know our newcomers. I think you will find that you are amongst a group of people who understand you as few others could. Please stick around, keep reading, get to know us awhile. We are a motley crew.
Like others have shared, face to face Alanon meetings is where I found comfort, support, love and understanding I needed. I was able to begin learing the tools of the program so that I can learn how to love someone who is in sobriety or actively drinking. I first had to focus on myself before I could help anyone else. When I can understand my motivations, thoughts, emotions, and feelings, (a sponsor helps with this) I can begin to detach with love.
I hope you will find the forum a comfortable place to share. I thank you for coming and introducing yourself to us. Please keep coming back.
In all my past relationships, I thought I would be so lost and alone without the other person. After working the 12 steps and spending a lot of time getting to know myself, I can say that the relationship I am in now is different. I would be really sad if things ended, but I would not live my life in sadness and regret. Why would I? Life is too short for that kind of misery and my partner is there to compliment me and to enjoy my free time with...travel...He is not a part of me. He is a separate individual and I am my own person.
I can certainly empathize because I was in a relationship with someone that caused me lots of pain and I really thought I was going to have to just sit back and suffer and watch him die (or kill myself). Work on yourself in Alanon and then you will be at a point were you don't NEED him. If at that point you CHOOSE him, that will be a different story. It is not easy to go against what is normal for you. It will feel wrong to step out of your comfort zone and to work on just you. Progress may be slow, but it is worth it. Alanon won't give you a sober partner, but it could give you a new you that no longer sees the world without options and so gloomy just because of the bad choices, the disease, and suffering of another person.
i dont see why you cant detach just a little bit and let someone find their way on their own for a bit- i dont think you need to be living in someones pockets on a daily basis to support them- you can also love and support someone from a distance. i dont see why it has to be an all or nothing. i think it can be still something. you can love someone lots but you still dont have to sucked under by them.
pinkchip I agree with you. I dont believe I NEED him because I have lived my life without him and I was fine I just want him in my life because I am a better person with him. And rosielee I like your point its great advise I will try to follow but its hard for me I am a black and white person and i rush into thing. BUT I AM TRYING TO CHANGE!! lol
For now I have taken some space to think and consider though I do love him despite his drinking could I live a life with him. I have been bouncing back and forth debating boundaries and just kinda sitting on it. For now at least I have decided to at least try. We found this love and this friendship when he was actively drinking before and though we did have bad times we had ALOT of good too. So for now I think I will give him a chance. I also told him I am no longer going to bring up his drinking. I am done talking about it til I am blue in the face with no point. I could say everything he needs to hear but if he isnt ready to hear it, it wont matter. So I told him it is his problem not mine and if he chooses to talk about it he can feel free to bring it up but if not I am leaving it on him. No reason to make it my problem. I am hoping these are steps in the right direction and hoping to become more of an active member to gain some knowledge. Thanks EVERYONE for the great responses.
