Why Does Doing the "Right" Thing Have to be so Painful? - Al-Anon Family Group

ythannah · Senior Member

Why Does Doing the "Right" Thing Have to be so Painful?

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

You're not silly- dealing with this disease is horrible. It sounds like you did a good job of keeping to your side of the street when talking with him and not getting sucked in.

You're not alone. My mind tends to favor the positive to the point of being nearly dangerous. I'm working on that. I romanticize my marriage and relationship with my ex. I guess I use it as a distraction from focusing on myself. That selective mindful process served me well growing up- it was my survival with my family; however, it has become my obstacle in personal growth.

Now, I must face acceptance as I am about to end a relationship with someone for whom I care deeply. I know it isn't working, despite all of his good qualities and character. At least I am making better choices.

Fear is huge and I am only able to start overcoming it when I can focus on myself. Tall order- scrubbing toilets is looking more desirable, but that was not the choice.

I would have thought with all the times I have been stuck in fear, it would have truly become a comfort zone. I'm planning to feel the fear and ending the relationship anyway. I second guess myself and make excuses, but I know in my heart that to continue like this is not in my best interest. This is about what is right for me. I'll be very sad, I will grieve, and I'll then move on.

We can't predict life's twists and turns. I look at it as ending something that isn't working to make room for something that will.

I'll be making calls from the phone list when I feel stuck and start second guessing myself.

Be gentle with you. Do what is best for you and in your own time.

ythannah · Senior Member

bud wrote:
Now, I must face acceptance as I am about to end a relationship with someone for whom I care deeply. I know it isn't working, despite all of his good qualities and character. At least I am making better choices.

I second guess myself and make excuses, but I know in my heart that to continue like this is not in my best interest. This is about what is right for me. I'll be very sad, I will grieve, and I'll then move on.

Thanks, those are excellent reminders for me that I AM doing this in my own best interest. And the fact that I can do that can only be credited to my growth in the program.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

After about 2 weeks of seriously not looking back...I guarantee you will feel an awesome freedom. The pain wont last. I admire your conviction.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like you work a great program and have good awareness. Take care of yourself and easy does it. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

Doozy · Senior Member

I identify with so much in your post here. Thank you for sharing. I don't think you need to feel silly or like you are whining with no real problem. It's never silly or whining to grieve over losing someone you love. Sure, there are always things that could be worse, but there.s no need to minimize your pain. I find that I minimize my pain and often let my feelings be less important than others'. That's one of my things I'm working on now through alanon. Anyway, I also wanted to share something my counselor said to me. I told her I just couldn't take the pain of my relationship with my ex anyone, said I couldn't take it. She offered a small but powerful correction. It wasn't that I couldn't take it anymore, I wouldn't take it anymore. That was important and empowering for me. It was a choice I was making to take care of myself and my needs and it was the right decision for me. I'm still sad and we went back and forth for a while before finally calling it quits. I miss him, but I know I did the right thing for me. Wishing you strength and hope whatever you decide!

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I bet you would be surprised at how many people in al anon can totally identify with you right now.

My abf is sober today 2 months after another slip he has been in AA for 2 and a half years and is still struggling. We have seperated and are trying to focus on our own recoveries.

However there are no promises with an A and I have all the same feelings and fears you talk about hate being on my own , want a loving partner. BUT reality is my partner can not give me whAT i NEED BECAUSE HE IS VERY ILL. I get so angrey when my needs dont get met I try and work my programme hard but reality is he is sick alcoholics especially active ones can not be a true partner, even if get sober it can take years before they are capable of truley making amends. Today I am trying to remember its not personal its ois so sad we love each other but as you say it just does not work we both have to much work to do on ourselves. I want a healthy relationship an equal one. I have the fear you do that I will get into another sick relationship if I do then there is a lesson to learn and hopefully I will remove myself quicker. I will not lie to you the past 2 months have been hard for me seperated from him. However I am going to meetings, talking on the phone reading trying to get al anon in my head and not go with the stinking thinking and fear.

thanks for your post it helps to know I am not the only person feeling this and that it is alcoholism that is to blame not me or the drinker hugs tracy xxx

_heather_ · Member

"To be honest, there's fear there too. Fear of being relationshipless. "

Don't fear being relationshipless....focus on yourself and your recovery. You will become a much stronger, clear headed person and the right man will come along to appreciate you and give you what you need. Remember what it feels like to begin a new relationship....and all the good that comes along with that.

Obviously don't rush into something but having time to focus on yourself is normal. He needs that time to be selfish for himself and his recovery...you deserve the same.

Lots of hugs for you on this difficult journey. :)

ythannah · Senior Member

Wow, so much great stuff here! smile I'm glad I have this thread as a touchstone to keep coming back to when I start waffling.

I keep tripping up on all the little day to day habits that we had, thinking of things I would normally share with him and I know I have to get working on a list of everything that was wrong and unhealthy about the relationship as a reminder of why I have made this decision.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.