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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Loving my AH this Thanksgiving
Post Info TOPIC: Loving my AH this Thanksgiving
tlynna


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Loving my AH this Thanksgiving
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Hi all.  Thanksgiving is coming, ready or not.  Give me strength to be strong and ensure that I don't contribute to any imbibing on the part of my AH.  How does one weigh keeping the peace (being an enabler) versus standing strong (resulting in his anger perhaps directed at others, ruining their holiday too)?  cry

I've been learning (wish I could say that I have finally learned) that the good days lead to promises, lead to giving way (my enabling), lead to days and days of drinking, lead to bad days, lead to repeating the cycle.  disbelief  Just finally, this past month, I've become stronger and more consistent in not enabling him.  (Mostly, I can control the purse strings, but really - it's a demoralizing and depressing, but sometimes necessary, situation for him and me.)

So, this brings me back to the "promise" if I deny any alcohol - this would be the very first holiday - it will most certainly be an unpleasant (most extremely unpleasant) day for me and most likely for everyone else too.  Or I can partially enable and guarantee a great day for everyone.  confuse

And, like I said in the subject line.  I love my AH.  After all of the abuse and the growing certainty that when I get strong, I will lose him, because, like I told him last weekend, he and I are in a love triangle with alcohol, and alcohol is getting bigger and bigger, and he and I are getting smaller and smaller.  And so is our family.  And so is he.  But I never got to these last two parts because he never even heard the first.  He was too focused on choosing to believe that those words were "retaliation" for his decision to drink his way through our anniversary weekend, and even careful explaining on my part couldn't disuade him from his determination to avoid the truth.

Yes, that last paragraph was me meandering.  But I had to put it to paper because it just plain hurts.

Happy holidays everyone!



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pinkchip


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Sounds like some difficult boundaries you have to draw for your own sanity and serenity. It also seems clear you will still love him even though his behavior is resulting in your detaching more and more as well.

I guess what I am saying is it sounds like are working some good alanon tools :) Keep it up.

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Jerry F


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Aloha tylnna...here's a thought heading, "loving my self this Thanksgiving and letting go of my AH."  Enabling is the Al-Anon side of the disease of alcoholism  as much as we want things to get better and would do anything to have it like that, what we do makes it worse (for us).  I sense you are feeling hurt and have been walking on eggshells and if that sense is accurate maybe a move over to doing a gratitude or Thanksgiving list just for you, between you and your HP.  Hoping you have a great Thanksgiving.

(((((hugs))))) smile



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GreenerGrass


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If you say "no alcohol", will he really not drink anything? I ask because my A would just hide a small bottle in his pants pocket, or spend lots of time in the garage or, most likely, disregard my wishes and drink outright anyway. I mean, you can't really control whether he drinks or not can you? I see what you are saying, either way you are screwed right? Maybe you could just make some plan B's, you know. Like if he gets out of hand maybe you could take a long walk, go to a movie, do something that will help you keep your sanity. Sending you good energy for a pleasant Thanksgiving!

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Debilyn


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We are not the A's and we are not responsible for trying to control them. When you say enable, I invite you to put in control.

Let me tell you if I was there and you were pussyfooting around, it would be just as bad or worse than him acting out as an A.

No family wants to see you act out. You are not the disease, you have no responsibility for it.

If he falls on his face, or is not appropriate, he can be asked to leave or someone can take him home or wherever.

To baby him makes everyone uncomfortable pretending everything is ok, which it isn't, everyone is holding in their pain. Not so fun at dinner.

If he gets real bad, that is what the police are for.

I have no idea how anyone would think they can control something like this. Its  not possible. Whatever you do, others are going to hurt anyway.

Plus we are not there yet. He may be appropriate. There are also boundaries of no drinking at T Giving or you will be taken home. And arrange that.

I remember my A years ago when we were at a friends stage. It would be xmas and he would get all weird and take off. So then everyone was concerned. Ruined it all anyway.

We cannot control it period.

I do hope it goes ok. Right not his illness is putting insanity into your head. We have all been there! hugs hugs hugs. debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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GreenerGrass


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Right on Debilyn, why should we pussyfoot around these people? They are the ones with the problem, they are the ones acting innapropriate and we should have enough courage and self respect to ask them to leave if they are ruining a nice time! I wonder why that didn't occur to me, but it makes perfect sense.

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tired of trying


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I can relate-I am pretty good at not enabling/controlling except when he starts lashing out at the grandkids in his dry drunk state-he does just enough not to cross the line where I could get the police involved-but his words/tone of voice are so hurtful and it seems so unfair-I know if I say something I will feed the fire.



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