Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> psychologist
Post Info TOPIC: psychologist
Lindaoakford


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 741
Date:
psychologist
Permalink  

As some of you may remember, I started seeing a psychologist a few weeks ago.


My first appointment was when I was advised that yes I did meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder.  The second appointment we mainly got to know my actual psychologist who will take me through the sessions, and we talked about mindfulness and we had some exercises to work through like 'band of light', 'inner and outer meditation' that type of thing... and thought difussion.

Yesterday we spoke about how that was going and how I was 'grounding' etc.  We talked for an hour and things were going round and round in my head.  I have been open and honest with my psychologist and I tell her exactly what is going on in my head even when my head is arguing with her.

We talked alot yesterday about my reactions and my feelings toward my husband smoking pot.  We basically talked about it being 'ok' that he is a pot head.  I am not the pot head.. HE is... I am not addicted to pot.. HE is... That is not a reflection on me. (several Al Anon messages there)

The argument in my head is.. but it is wrong.. he is addicted and that has to be fixed.  It is bad, its wrong. The other argument was.... who says.. who says its bad?  He is good to you.  He is not abusive, he is not an 'xxxx' when he smokes.  Why is it bad?  Who's rule book?

She was talking about thinking in shades of grey.  That thoughts and feelings are separate and its good that they argue.  That is normal.  Everyone does that.  That was a bit of a relief.

I talked about being on hyperalert.  I was in the shower and my hubby walked past and up to the bedroom.  Immediately I lost all sense of 'grounding and mindfulness' and perked my ear to hear if he was going into the pot drawer.  Then he walked downstairs to the back yard... my head raced.. is he sneaking off like he has before???

In the past I have actually gotten out theshower dripping wet to investigate without being seen.  This time I just said, "well, ifhe has, I can't change it now.. its already happened" and stayed in teh shower.

She said that was good.  She commented on how much energy it takes to be hyperalert all the time.  ALOT!!!!! (she said some Al anon similar stuff to.. it is what it is etc)

The main argument in my head and in my solar plexus area where thetension was is... "its ok" was the trigger.  Its ok that he is a pot head and smokes pot.  Its ok. Its ok that I dont' like that, I don't have to.. its ok.

It was like a cold block of ice sitting there, my head was arguing, she was talking, I didn't get it, how could it be ok? Its wrong?  What do you mean shades of grey???? Then I said, My Dad went to AA when I was 8.  Abstinence was the key word in our house.  Do NOT drink, it will kill you.  If you have an addiction, you CANNOT use at all EVER. It is NOT ok to drink, that aint no grey area.  (please I do understand this is right for my Dad... AA has been a god send and a life saver and I am not saying that mentality is wrong at all.... I believe it I really do)..... My partner is a pot addict and he smokes pot and that is NOT RIGHT!!!!! (this is what was in my head)

My psych stopped talking and I said the argument andthe feeling inside.  She said she could see it happening (Note to self: Do not play poker with my psychologist).  The world was spinning around.  LIterally the walls were changing shape and moving around (LSD flash back??? nah not really)... I told her and she said that isn't unusual.  It happens when a core is being addressed.

then.. something shifted.  Literally I felt like something shifted actually physically moved inside me, not metaphorically. It was like when we have a stiff neck and we crack it back in to alignment.  I felt a ?movement? in the solar plexus area.  It became warm again.  The world stopped spinning eventually.  I drove home feeling a bit tingly.

What was that?  Is it ok that he smokes pot?  It must be.  I am not him.  I am not my father, I am not my mother.  I don't have to look out for my Dad anymore.  I don't have to look at what mood he is in to report back to Mum.  I don't ahve to take care of him (DAd) when everyone else hates him and I sit there and hold his hand when he is drunk.  My husband is not my Dad.  I don't have to be careful to not have alcohol in the house, or have a party at a pub or be on teh watch out for him to have a drink (Dad.. metaphore.. you get it)... in fact.. I don't have to do that for my Dad anymore either... Am I treating my husband like I did my Dad.  Being on alert for him.. enforcing abstinence on him when he doesn't want it.

I am Linda and I am married to a pot head.... and thats ok.. I am working on it being ok anyway....

Validation I think is what I need  I don't have to like pot smoking, in fact I know I never will, but its ok if he does. He is a good man to me AND he smokes pot... Its ok.

I dunno if this is going to end up being a controversial post... but its what happened yesterday in my head and in my psychologists office.



-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 22nd of November 2011 11:20:45 AM

__________________

Linda - a work in progress
Breakingfree


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3972
Date:
Permalink  

It sounds like you are finding acceptance and that is progress my friend. I can hear Tom, He will either smoke or not... What are you gonna do? I think you are figuring it out and what a good place to wrestle with it right in a session. My Mom is a pot head and I love her through it and have dettached from her disease and no longer take it personally. I don't have to like it, I am sure there are a few things she would love to change about me, haha. Because I have never been around an A that doesn't have unacceptable behavior's while using I was unable to live with it. Which worked out better for me, because now more clearly I took the focus off them and on me where I need it to be. Keep up the good work!

__________________

Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

Hugs Linda,

What great progress, it really seems like it should be more complicated than it is, a simple program for a complex issue. None of us like the fact our A's (whom are active) are addicted. Without alanon for me it's literally waiting around staring at the next shoe that is going to drop. I didn't cause it, can't control it and won't cure addiction. I don't like it and I don't like the chaos that it brings into my life. It has nothing to do with the fact i'm ok with him drinking, I have a choice I can make about my personal situation. I can become a shell of a person OR I can live my whole life which is what I would rather do. Plus it's healthier for my kids as well.

Keep up the good work. What great progress Linda you have a LOT to be proud of, it's not an easy road to walk.

Hugs p :)



__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

I don't see it as controversial Linda. Sounds like some good work and it sounds kind of spiritual actually. Miracles happen when you reach out for help with an open mind.

__________________
Very Very Tired


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 178
Date:
Permalink  

Isn't it amazing when you feel that shift, Linda? I'm still new to all of this healing, but I know exactly what you are talking about: the feeling that something physically is shifting inside. I can't explain it, but I know the feeling.

I know this is a spiritual healing program, but I am amazed at the physical sensations that have gone along with it. Who knew my spirit had physical feelings?smile



__________________
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

 

That in a way is called (my experience) giving grace or living in margin which is a choice.  My alcoholic/addict wife over drank and used and that was okay for her...it wasn't okay for me because I have choices about how and what I want to live with and in.  She could have her choices and I wasn't responsible for her life.  I took responsibility for my life and moved off away from what I chose not to live with.  I loved her...I didn't need her.  I came to understand the difference between it's okay and it's acceptable.  Today I live in what's acceptable to me...no drugs and no alcohol around me or in me.  That's okay for me and acceptable.  My psychologist told me that I am responsible for my choices including what I think.   It is what it is as a result of choices and for that I am responsible.    ((((hugs)))) smile



__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

Do you even know how amazing you are??? This is major work. You really put your whole self into it.

I hope this was a break through for you. Sure is a good one.

It is ok for him to be who he is. You love this man, he loves you.

Lotsa progress. thank you soooo much for sharing. It is so humbling to me when people open their hearts and minds here.

hugs,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Jadie


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 69
Date:
Permalink  

Nice awareness.

You felt a shift maybe because you 'let go' a bit, relaxed that knot in the stomach, and your body was happy to acknowledge that by flooding it with happy hormones rather than the painful 'fight or flight' ones.

Letting go is empowering, it frees us to frame our choices.

By accepting 'they are who they are' we can detach lovingly, they're going to do what they're going to do, now is the time to truly and honestly look at ourselves, time to take our power back, focus on our needs and wants.

Love that you're here sharing your journey.

((((hugs))))

Jadie x



__________________
Jackie11


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 609
Date:
Permalink  

WOW, thank you so much for sharing. I'm so very thankful that you wrote all this out!



__________________
orchidlover


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1036
Date:
Permalink  

I am glad you  are  getting the  help you need.   Sounds like your psychologist is using  Dialetical Behavior  Therapy.  Who said any new line of thought is  easy.

Maresie.



__________________
orchid lover
Mattie


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:
Permalink  

This sounds like a breakthrough for you, so that's wonderful.

For me, I have trouble with "It's okay," because addiction takes my partner away from me and makes him obsessed and not responsive to me, and for me that's not okay.  However, "it is what it is."  So that's what I try to say to myself: "It is what it is."  Not within my realm to fix or not fix.  Depending on my level of need, sometimes I can nod and accept it, and sometimes I feel consumed with disappointment.  And it may be harmful to him -- but it is what it is.  It sounds as if that's something like what you've been arriving at.



__________________
White Rabbit


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 895
Date:
Permalink  

Oh, wow - be proud, friend. Your post shows such tremendous self-growth! You're so sooo right. You don't have to like pot smoking. Odds are very good you're never gonna like pot smoking - just like odds are good I'm never gonna like my alcoholic relatives drinking. But being at peace with the reality that someone else is an addict doesn't mean we like it. It just means we can accept reality.

Good for you!!!

__________________
* White Rabbit *

I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> psychologist