Minaret,

Welcome to MIP.  I am so glad you are here.  Please stick around and get to know us awhile.  I do so value each opportunity to meet a newcomer on our board.

For me my first few Alanon meetings were exactly as you described.  I found it was difficult being around what I thought were "senior" members.  I was the one that cried at every meeting, passed mostly when it was my turn to speak.  When I found the courage to share I said I was a newcomer and I would really like to get to know you all better after the meeting.  That opened a door for me and created friendship in the program that I counted on.  I too am from another city and it sure is lonely when you dont have your friends and family to count on.  By throwing myself out there asking for help and support, I got it.  

Leaning on my new friendship network helped me through the nights with my spouse that you described.  I would call them during the day and get the time, attention, and love I needed to carry me through the evening.  One day at a time, one meeting at a time, the program started working in my life.  

I do so hope you will continue to keep coming back and sharing.  We are here for you in love and support.

Sincerely,

Tommye 

Hugs and welcome Minaret,

I just wanted to welcome you and say keep coming back, keep sharing things start to make sense as we get clearer.

You've already received some really great ESH, don't feel bad about crying at meetings. I know of people who literally they spent the first month or two doing nothing but cry from meeting to meeting. All you can do is the best you can do at each and every meeting. There are online meetings here as well. Plus there are all kinds of free podcasts to listen to, it makes a difference though to just know you aren't alone.

Hugs P :)

I am glad you are here. And you sound EXACTLY like me when I first came to Al-Anon in January. I was broken, angry, emotional, lost. Your description of your life and your struggles is so similar to mine that it is hard to believe! It really hit me hard reminding me of where I was at the beginning of this year. Pure insanity.

It can get better and even if you cry at meetings, I suggest you keep going--or come here and get some literature. I went to 4 meetings/week for months and am no only able to go to 2. I cried A LOT and I find that when we have a newcomer and are asked to explain to the group how we came to Al-Anon, I cry all over again because it was so horrible then--and I can see how much I have changed that it overwhelms me. It has changed my life--my relationship, my feelings on the deep deep inside. I am starting to know myself again and most importantly--be a better parent!!! I hope you can get help--please keep coming back. HUGS!!! You deserve better--don't forget that. It will work if you work it, but it takes time. Best wishes to you.

I am nervous to go to Al-Anon tomorrow because I know since my husband relapsed and went to rehab I will be a blubbering idiot. I completely relate about the emotions being raw... my heart is wide open and gushing right now. But I have to go, Minaret. I have to stay away from negativity and surround myself with the opposite. I truly think you are so involved right now, in the middle of this tornado, its impossible for you to see the mess and chaos clearly. You are a good person and you want whats best for your children. It starts with you. If the plane is crashing you have to breathe before anyone else, right? Pull down the oxygen mask and breathe... so you can start to heal. One step, one day at a time. Keep posting, keep reading, and if you can bring yourself to do it.. go to a meeting. From personal experience stay away from the wine and become closer to HP. My prayers are with you, Minaret!!!!

Wow, thanks for all the response and support. Those messages made me cry, and I'm at work, the only time I have to respond. Last night AH was better. This is how it goes on, one day he is fine and nice, the next night it is chaos and yelling at each other and going to bed angry. And at first it seemed to be that the nights he didn't drink or drank less, he was nicer, but now they all seem to blur together. Sometimes he can be a grouch even when he's not drinking. He blames, blames, blames--mostly on our son and how I have raised him--without discipline and that is what has caused our problems: we don't have a relationship anymore...I ask him, don't you think some of that has to do with your drinking? No, that's what makes me drink more....right....and then other nights he gets it--after going to an AA meeting. But then two days later he is drinking again. He doesn't get the part that it has to be NOTHING for the rest of his life. Eventually he will start to see it, but we may be gone by that time. The part I dislike is going to bed angry and resentful. Or leaving the house without a kiss goodbye in the morning. What if it's the last one?

I just spoke to my daycare person and she is going through the same thing, she is about to throw in the towel. I've asked her to go to an al-anon meeting with me. She is going to try. I hope I would be stronger with her there. I just don't want to cry through the whole meeting...it just hurts to be that raw. I am overall a very optimistic person---or used to be. I want to have hope again. Thanks for giving me some hope to keep going.

I'm not sure if I am looking forward to the holidays. For the first time, our credit cards are at their limit, thousands of dollars. I never thought it would get to this. We aren't buying extravagant things, mostly stuff we need for the house--a bed, shoes, clothes. But AH could be doing so much better, moving forward not backward, starting a career, going to school, getting small tasks around the house done, being an equal partner. Daycare costs $1300 a month for two kids full time, where it would cost half that much somewhere else. This is such a scary place for me. I have always been so fiancially responsible, had good credit. The DUI cost us a lot of money, but not all of that is his fault. We are just living beyond our means in a wealthy town that is expensive. We don't have a fancy house, but it's better than the 2 bedroom dump we were living in, and it's ours, we became first time homeowners a year ago. That feels good, especially in my late 40's, when I never thought it would happen. So I don't want to loose it right away, that would be a failure, that I couldn't handle my finances (there is some learned behavior here from my parents who are very tight and responsible with money and made guilt trips about money my whole life). A second job on the part of one of us would get us through for about a year, but he is so unstable that a second job would just make him drink more. It happened once before when he took a job at night that turned into another second full time job (it was supposed to be part time) and he let the guy work him full time. I got blamed for that one (I had asked him to get a second job) and for the heavy drinking that was "caused" by the stress of the second job and no sleep...

Depending on my day, I always seem to re-evaluate and say it's not so bad, I can handle it. How can I stop doing that? Start living instead of just coping from day to day...I don't want to be an angry, resentful person anymore, traits that I've picked up. I do want to do the right thing for my children. But I've also seen the damage that can be done with a struggling single mother. There is one in my office who divorced, and her children seem very unhappy being shuttled back and forth.

AH does improve in his own way from year to year, so I am seeing some progress. My supervisor just popped in my office and scared me and I minimized what I was writing and she asked if it was something she wasn't supposed to see. I've tried talking to people who are not involved with al-anon, and they don't understand. Even neighbors, who always see the "good" side of AH and can't understand why I would complain. I have probably pushed a lot of people away and people are what I need right now. I can't go to my family because my Dad is borderline alcoholic. When they were visiting this summer, I asked my Dad not to drink in front of AH or offer him any alcohol. AH was doing good at the time, but still vulnerable. By the end of their trip, I was putting the kids to bed one night and started to hear AH and my parents talking downstairs. So I pretended I was asleep. I heard every word...instead of my parents applauding me on how difficult it was to be a working mother, I heard them disagreeing with my parenting methods (my methods: more gentle discipline, nursing my daughter until she wanted to stop--right now she's 2 yrs old and has a genetic disorder that will lead to learning issues down the road and needs as much of my time and love more than anything. Them: I should spank, I should not nurse anymore, I should let them cry, I should let my husband be number one), and then they offered AH beer and drank with him for several hours, with my Mom saying to "hide" the beer cans so I wouldn't see the next day. I felt so betrayed.

Now my Mom calls me up and often asks how AH is doing, "is he being a good boy and not drinking" etc and it makes me want to scream at her. Finally I mentioned to her that I knew they drank with him but she completely denied it, and also says that Dad doesn't drink much anymore, (even though he drank like a fish when he was visiting). He even told AH when we went out to dinner that it sucked that he couldn't enjoy himself with a beer and that it was "boring." How manipulative and selfish, knowing that my AH was struggling with drinking. I waited for my Mom to call back and apologize about drinking with AH, but that never came. They are never wrong about anything. And the other day they had the nerve to say I should go to church again, it would do me some good, and I felt like saying, "it didn't do you any good." Of course I would never say that. I realize that many others have a higher power, but my higher power in my family circle has always seemed hypocritical and has turned me off, but I still consider myself a spiritual person, just not in a church going way. But I'm learning about all these things, and they are slowly bringing me into the light. I know my parents are not to blame for AH drinking while they were here, he could have said no, but he wasn't strong enough at the time, and his mother abandoned him at birth, so he wanted to be accepted by my parents. So he goes along with how they feel and agrees with them when they interfer about parenting. And yes, I make excuses for him all the time. Another thing I've got to stop. Thanks for letting me get my feelings down and listening and accepting.

Minaret