He loves me! - Al-Anon Family Group

atheos · Senior Member

He loves me!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I raised 4 daughters. I don't remember ever teasing them about something that would hurt them. Normal parents don't purposely hurt their kids. And your reaction of cutting is very severe. And it sounds like now you are thinking you are "playing victim?"

I'm glad you could enjoy a good afternoon with your dad. Those memories are so important. But don't make a molehill out of a mountain. Don't minimize what really happened in the past. Everyone always says, "they did the best job they could at the time". That doesn't mean it was a good job. It just means they had some bad times and they did a bad job. I"m sorry if I sound harsh. Take what you like and dump the rest.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

someone else on this board said.. you can look at your past.. just don't stare.. I think it was Canadianguy said that.

We all have left overs from childhood, good bad and indifferent.

Idenifiy them, see how/if they effect you now and do what you will with them. You are allowed to enjoy your time with your dad now. You are an adult now.

I am not sure what you mean by teasing. The important thing is how it made you feel and how you are effected by it. If it effected you, then you were not over reacting... the question is.. what are you going to do about it now you are an adult.

You can see it in adult ways now. Boundaries will be important while yo uwork through this stuff.

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

I was raised by an alcoholic father, and he was always telling us kids that we were too sensitive. But u know what? He was just Insensitive! He would embarrass me in front of others and I think he got some enjoyment out of it. if we cried when we were in trouble, then we were overly dramatic. We weren't really allowed to show much of any kind of emotion. If you were cutting yourself, I think you had some pretty heavy emotional issues. You just weren't allowed to feel them or express them to anyone, so that's how they manifested themselves. I love my Dad too, and I know he loves me, but I experienced a lot of needless pain in my childhood. And the pain was real and my feelings were justified.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I have two sons and I would not find it a benefit to anyone in our family to tease them. For me anything less than loving is abuse. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I was criticized brutally, it never seemed to end. In my mind before I speak I often have that intuitive thought, is it kind? If not, I probably should keep the thought to myself.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

There's a difference between teasing and then looking to hurt another, the teasing I experienced was not kind teasing. I was constantly told I was to sensitive and what's wrong with me. Well, when I said STOP I meant STOP.

Playing victim is different than being victimized, maybe you were victimized and then fell into the roll of victim of believing what you were told. When there is no show of affection, caring or love as we grow the teasing becomes real words that define who we are we buy into what was said. I know I was always a "sensitive" kid what I wanted was affection and love not the teasing I got. It hurt when my adopted dad started his "real" family and I got totally left out.

Staring at the past hoping for a different outcome isn't going to happen. I hope you are able to build a strong bond with your dad moving forward. Don't try and rewrite the past to color it one way or another (it worse or better). I don't know how to say this, .. my dad was a crappy dad, .. I can certainly change my perceptions of him and he did the best he could. My reality is he did some crappy things. I'm fortunate I have a few memories I can remember of really cool things we did together. I don't have much as he walked out when I was 9 and at this point has been out of my life more than in it. I'm the one who holds on to it or let's it go. I don't get to play judge and jury in the situation. If he tried to tell me or I tried to tell myself that it didn't hurt or I wasn't angry about it (I'm sure that's one for the 4th step .. lol) that's stuffing something I haven't dealt with. Right now I don't have a relationship with my adopted dad and I will either resolve that or not. At this point I am not looking to resolve my relationship only my feelings so I'm kind of coming from a different place. I don't have the anger I once did either I'm just at a place of I'm ok with it.

I don't know if that makes sense or not??? Just be gentle with yourself as you deal with your feelings, don't confuse them with what you wanted in the past or what just was, I'm a reality girl .. I prefer to deal in the reality of the situation good, great, bad or ugly, give me reality and I can at least DO something with what I've got. Now I do have the option of going back and seeing that 100% wasn't ALL bad. Sometimes it was 90% good and then sometimes it was less than 2% good. It just was and now as an adult I can choose what I do with the past, present and shape myself into someone in the future that has infinite possibilities and probabilities.

Anyway, hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

My parents joked some. It was my sisters that would start it. I had 1 best friend and we hung out a lot. They thought it was funny to crack jokes about how we were "boyfriends" and such. Little did they know that those specific jokes were hitting a very sore spot for me as I was realizing I was gay at about the age of 11 or 12 (Didn't come out of the closet til 25 though and it was probably due to some of this teasing). I don't blame my parents. I do think they were normal parents. They are great parents - There is a combo of them teasing me about some things and me being sensitive or perhaps overly sensitive to those things. They didn't know what they were saying at the time.

I have an aunt that has never worked, is miserable, and has had to be taken care of by my grandparents and now my father her whole life. All the while she has blamed my dad and my grandparents for all her problems. She will state things to my dad like "Remember when I was 5 and you pretended to be a pirate to scare me? That gave me PTSD...blah blah." Anyhow, having had that model of a person that constantly plays the victim, I have been determined not to act that way. It is obvious to me that she has suffered way more than any of her supposed "abusers" due to having that mentality.

P.S. - There are shades of grey to everything and this is not meant to diminish the experiences of people who really have been victimized.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My parents neglected me, but never teased me. My Mom would fly off the handle and scream and cuss and call names and even hit us once in awhile and just be a bully. My older brother would tease me mercilessly and torment me beyond what I feel is normal sibling rivalry, from what I get from others and a couple counselors I have had. Abuse usually carries forward in one way or another. I was always told I was being too sensitive, but now that I am older and had counseling about childhood things I realize my feelings were right on and it was sick people telling me the sky was a different color than it really was. I had red flags that I was told and taught to ignore since early on and now I am learning to read them and realize they have merit. It is a process and it sounds like you are getting a better awareness. I love my Mom and have forgiven her and know she did the best she could coming from what she did and I know she loves me. Keep up the great work. It got easier for me as I went through the stages of realizing I didn't have a normal childhood and it formed certain coping mechanisms in me. You don't have to be physically abused to have been abused in childhood.
I am reading a great book right now "Boundaries- Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Katherine, I find this book to help me understand from early on some of the how's and why's and even better what to do now as far as moving forward through it and becoming a survivor rather than a victim. "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie also was helpful with becoming aware of some childhood dysfunction for me. Keep up the great work! I am sending you love and support on your journey!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 21st of November 2011 07:32:36 PM

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