Do I really need to do the "adult child" stuff? - Al-Anon Family Group

atheos · Senior Member

Do I really need to do the "adult child" stuff?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

This is me, I've gotten far more out of the Co Dependent side of things. Face, trace and erase works for me. I can't keep going back to the past, again this is just me, I find that I get sucked into the past and then I start expecting a different future .. lol .. that just doesn't work for me. The books by Melodie Beattie do far more when I do the exercises in the back of the chapters than holding the magnifying glass and staring to the point I see spots or my retinas are burnt from the glare.

Hugs P :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Atheos

At the risk of causing a disagreement I would like to share MY experience with ACOA and Alanon.

In the very beginning I was attending both programs and found that each time I left an ACOA meetings I was angry, disconnected and not very enriched.

In alanon I felt the connections the recovery and heard the use of tools to recovery Not so in ACOA

I left that program and stayed in the alanon program and found that doing my 4 th thru 1 0 step --more than once addressed most of the Acoa issues Still a work in progress.

Make the adhesion that works for The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them Take what you like and leave the rest. smile

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 19th of November 2011 11:48:38 AM

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear atheos,

I can't answer your specific question. I'm not a child of an alcoholic. However, I am a child of a mother who had a personality disorder, which impacted my life significantly. I found, and continue to find, recovery from my childhood experiences within the walls of Al-Anon. That's my experience.

Now, as I was reading your post, the this thought came to mind: Let thy gut be thy guide.

Nowadays, I honor my feelings, for I believe it's one way God (HP) speaks to me. But that can be tricky. With practice you learn to recognize those God-like feelings. Again, that's been my experience.

I can only share what has worked for me. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Take good care, Gail

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I have some Alanon friends that rave about their ACOA meetings and find them extremely helpful. I haven't attended, but wonder if, some meetings might "speak" to you more than others... if you are able to try a different ACOA meeting.

I remember not feeling connected to Alanon meetings on my first go around with Alanon... but I returned, as there was/is no other place for me to go. Now, I'm starting to get it.

There was alcoholism on my Dad's side of the family, but what seems to have impacted me the most was my mother's mental illness. I was raised encouraged to be the good little caretaker of others and put myself last. Always a work in progress, working the Alanon principles helps address unhealthy thought processes birthed and nurtured in childhood. I acknowledge where the pattern originated, but spend my time on functioning solutions.

I hope this helps.

Tracey C · Senior Member

Hi,

For myself I find I need to work multiple programs. At times some more so than others. I try to go to al-anon meetings twice a week, as well as read from the Big Red Book and the workbook from the ACA group (adult children of alcoholics) and also study the overeaters anonymous group literature. We don't have any adult children meetings around here and I find it hard to make the overeaters meeting. For myself I need all 3 to help me function on an even keel.

Regards,

Tracey

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I have. I can understand certain meetings are difficult to go to. There is an adult child section to this web site.

I have found much of the acoa literature to be very helpful too.

I think it is very very painful to delve into.

Maresie.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There is something to be said about nurturing yourself and responding to maladaptive patterns that you learned or picked up due to traumatic childhood experiences. I have learned to make more positive affirmations and to generally take myself a little less seriously and this is in direct response to having a high strung anxious compulisive very critical mother (albeit she did and does love me in the best way she could/can).

For me, when I entered into recovery (AA), I heard a bunch of people talking about nurturing their inner child and junk...Meanwhile, I didn't know how to be responsible, pay bills, look after an appartment...etc. I kept telling myself it was way more important for me to focus on changing my outer child than my inner child for these reasons lol. I still find that just being mature and trying to handle life like a grown up is more of a challenge to me than nurturing my inner child.

Mark

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Atheos, I want to say I usually love your thought provoking shares. I am an ACOA and haven't gone to a meeting for it, but do attend a regular Al-anon meeting where a majority of us are. We do share about our childhoods in regards to getting through some of it to stop history from repeating itself any further. My first thought is if it's not happening in your group maybe try being the first to start it. I went through this and it has helped me to be who I am and like me, kind of a share. I have learned in my group if I introduce something in my share that I have heard from MIP and that isn't happening, I just start it and see if it takes off or not. The group has been going for a long time before me and I am the newest. They have been suprisingly open to new ideas and shares about things I read online and in new literature.

I do look back, but try very hard not to stare. I now realize that my parents truly did the best they could every day and I am a great person and would love to be my own friend even with my faults. Today where I live is opening day for deer gun season and the woods are packed with blaze orange and you can hear shots all around this small town. I was thinking as I saw a loan doe by the side of the road that looked very much the worse for wear, that it is because it is keenly reactionary that it had made it through the entire day. It reminded me of my childhood and I had to learn how to react to sick people growing up that loved me the only way they knew how and now I am an adult and it is up to me to try to shed these unneeded reactions and mind sets and form myself into a more balanced and stable person. It took me 33 years to get here and it will take some time to rid myself of the character defects I don't wish to hold onto. I think it does us good to know where and what we come from to know ourselves better and at times I have gotten stuck in the vicitm role, but I always get unstuck and shake it off and carry on. I think it is for the better to go back and make sure every nook and cranny has been inventoried before you can feel it and move through it thoroughly and you still may need to revisit things as different situations arise. Everyone has there own timing and I wasn't able to face somethings until I accepted people and life on it's terms and that HP has control not me. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You made me think about this. I grew up with no addicted people in my family. But my Mother grew up very shy. A characteristic like if you are an extrovert.

When I went to counseling I ended in pain like you. Reliving things etc.

You wouldn't know knowing her that she was very shy.

Now all my life I have hated crowds, groups of people like in school assemblies, going to my sunday meetings, all that stuff. To meet me you would think I am very extroverted sure.

But knowing what makes me as I am, has not helped me changed that feeling i have. What it did do was to teach me that it is ok to be who and what I am. Not have to be embarrassed or make excuses.

I grew up with Native American culture and a Grama who was Lakota Sioux. I always had ways about me from deep inside that I did not understand. When i went to college I took Native American literature,anthropology, science,history, art,foldlore. That taught me what made me feel and believe and think like I do.

If anything it made me stronger and not willing to try to change my unique

"squarepegness."

You are an adult, myself I would say thank you to my friends for the observation, I have my own personal way of looking at things.

I mean really is it any of their business? I believe it is no different than an addicts business is their own. I mean we don't say you better go back to AA.

I might say wow that sounds like stinking thinking to me.

Anyway Al Anon helps us build up, like ourselves,protect ourselves. One thing I know for sure is, you are in the right place and I am glad you are here!

love,debilyn

ythannah · Senior Member

My experience with ACoA meetings locally was much the same as yours and basically turned me off the program for about 20 years because I thought Al-Anon was just more of the same. I can understand the value of venting, but those meetings seemed to consist of nothing but members dwelling on the negative in their lives.

There are no longer any ACoA-specific groups running locally; I don't know when they folded.

The ACoA literature was a little better but I still found the focus to be more "this is what is wrong with you" than "this is how you get better". Great for awareness and understanding but not so strong in guidance for moving ahead. And I can be a bit dense when it comes to stuff like this, I pretty much need a very concrete paint-by-numbers approach -- I don't do well with vague and intangible.

It was finding this board that actually started me thinking that maybe Al-Anon was a different program, and what nudged me into going back to the meeting rooms. I walked into my first meeting feeling hopeless, like I was an irreparable mess. Because what I really want to do is look ahead and get better, not wallow in the wounds of the past. I found that Al-Anon has that focus and I've been attending faithfully ever since.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I like what hot rod said. For me Alanon is a program that includes Adult children of Alcoholics. There is a book that is particularly meaningful to me which is: From Survival to Recovery. I find I did not have to do another 12 step program for the steps in Alanon were the source that I needed to resolve the pains of the past.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

I started on the ACoA trail and found my way here.

In my opinion, this stuff, the Al Anon stuff, helps me on the day to day tribulations wtih my partners smoking. I was finding ithard to work on me and my past when Iwas still in the really bad throws of my own thoughts and I could not slow down enough to think about anything other than his actions and his smoking. Al Anon is good for that day to day CBT type of stuff for me.

The ACoA stuff, gives me some insight. I find it speaks to me on a deeper level. And guess what, addressing deeper issues is harder and it is uncomfortable and it is not a pleasant experience. I want to know... WHY do I react like this???? WHY do I think some behaviours are ok and others are not.... WHY did I think walking down the road and getting punched in the face by my boyfriend when I was 17 .. was ok..

Anyway, to cut a long story short.... Al Anon helps me on the day to day stuff, ACoA digs deeper for me and that is harder in my opinion. I read both sets of literature and get different things from the different areas. I am on the ACoA board here and yes, it is differnet to this board. It speaks very differently, not somuch of the 'step work' perse.. more ... thoughts and ponderings that we share on.

ythannah · Senior Member

Just a postscript -- I do like the ACoA Daily Affirmation book by Rokelle Lerner. It contains some powerful messages for those of us who acquired low self-esteem growing up.

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

I've just started with ACOA so my experience is limited. But at this point, it has become apparent to me that my primary issues in my life are related to my childhood, and not to what I am experiencing currently with my wife. I have literally just started to scratch the surface on ACOA but it just feels like it must play a crucial role in my path to recovery. Alcoholism was a daily issue in my home growing up, as both my parents were alcoholics. I've never dealt with those issues and talked to less than 10 people about it, even though I am in my 40's. My siblings and I have NEVER discussed it, and I am the youngest of 5.

I wrote something a few weeks ago here about how my wife is exactly what she was supposed to be. I chose my wife for my life partner for many reasons, but one of the primary reasons was because she represented so much from my childhood. Why would I do that? Well, 2 reasons maybe--it gives me a chance to "re-do" it all, and try and make it better. But also, it is comfortable and it is what I know. As someone bluntly put it at a recent Al Anon meeting I attended--"sick attracts sick". Focusing on ACOA is allowing me to see that I am indeed sick and I need to work on me. I don't think I made that connection prior to ACOA. Everything was my wife's fault.

I think a lot of it has to do with your upbringing and just how "bad" the alcoholism was in your early years. For me, it was horrible, so ACOA feels very comfortable to me so far.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.